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July 07, 2006


War in Iraq, the President’s birthday, North Korean missiles, metrosexual pirates, British talent show judges, wasted out-of-control celebrities, sudden death, midgets, cons, love, heartbreak, fuck … this ball of confusion is spinning out of control.

Let’s throw some of this on the screen and see what sticks.

Our favorite crack-smoking tenor Luciano Pavarotti underwent surgery yesterday for pancreatic cancer. His manager says the 70-year-old surperstar is "recovering well," and will still open for the Red Hot Chili Peppers in Cordoba’s Massaqua Stadium this Sunday. That’s good news ... cancer of the pancreas isn’t pretty. It is a deadly horrible disease unlike alcoholism where at least you get to drink while you have it.

A.) Thanks for mangling a Norm Macdonald joke.
B.) Pavarotti is the man.
C.) Did he say pancreas or pancakes?

Television: TV BLOWS ME!
The very important Emmy nominations have been announced and – no surprise, I’m told – action/adventure show 24 picked up 12 of them. Yes, best this and best that and other blahblah television shows blahblahblah. Kiefer Sutherland, of course, blah,blah,blah,blah ... blah. Like everyone else, we’ll just have to blah,blah,blah, to find out for sure. Blahblah ...

A.) Why, yes ... blahblahblah ...
B.) No, blahblah.
C.) It's why fucking blahblahblah blah blah.
A, B, C.) Ha, ha, ha.

Movies: 1, 2, 3 GREEN LIGHT!
If you follow IMFP religiously, you know that Steve Martin and I sold our first script together, Giddyup Vagina (formerly Showdown at the Crack of Dawn), to Miramax subsidiary, Edge Hell last week. While Steve doesn’t want the amount of the sale disclosed, I’m not shitting you when I say it’s an absolute fuck load of dough. This is a dream come true for me. If it hits big I can quit this stupid fucking blog business. God, how I hate that word … blog.

Anyway, Norm Macdonald will play Marshal “Rope” Chambers with Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss as the red hot, naked, tenderly probing first-time lesbian lovers, Paris and Dawn.

Troy “Boondock Saints” Duffy directs.

A.) What a coincidence—I’m drinking Busch beer.
B.) I smell a hit. Oops, no--I stepped in dogshit, fuck.
C.) Norm MacDonald is the David Niven of his generation.

Since Nick Lachey’s split with wife Jessica Simpson, the dude’s been banging chicks left and right, even though we’ve never been sure what ‘left and right’ means in that sexual context.

A.) It means he gets in an afternoon what you'll never get.
B.) It means he sticks his wiener into 2 girls - one on each side - when he makes sex.
C.) Go ahead, laugh ... guess who’s slipping the salami to Simpson now? That’s right, fuckers—me.

Dear Fucking Diary: WIFE CALLS WITH NEWS!
Christine just rang me on the cell. Says she found a pill on the floor at the 7/Eleven. Says it has a M357 imprint and asks me what it is. Ha, she sure is something … I love her to bits. I Google “M357” and POW, jackpot: hydrocodone … a good old fashioned generic Vicodin.

It's like finding a lucky penny - Detroit 2006 style.

A.) I love stories with happy endings.
B.) Yes, there’s far too much sadness and ugliness in this world.
C.) As artists we must promote truth and beauty …
A.) 3 ... 2 .... 1 and we're out ... later, letters.
B.) Fucking A!
C.) To the weekend then ...



Vicodin makes me so bitchy! I've got a drawer full of them, that I can't even bother to take...
I'm allergic. I can only take those wimpy Darvacets.

It'd be a REAL find if she spotted one that said "714" - wow, a collector's item!
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