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July 14, 2006

 
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Global warming, insane oil prices, bad jokes, dollar burgers, stupid blogs, way too many celebrities, sick chickens, homos, heteros, hope, despair, fuck … this ball of confusion is making everybody crazy.


Let’s all get on our knees and pray.


Right after we read this column.






ROCK STAR, SHLOCK STAR!
This train wreck of a show, Rock Star: Supernova, may well be this season's most entertaining. It's about a rock band looking for a singer.

Watching the band / judges - Tommy Lee (Motley Crue), Jason Newsted (dumbass that quit Metallica), and Gilbey Clarke (late Guns & Roses? Not sure, sorry) - is not unlike seeing bad Spinal Tap outtakes with Tommy Lee as obnoxious as ever. Makes you wish one of the contestants would strangle the fucking guy.

Rock is the latest way to make a buck in reality TV.

The would-be rockers vying for the chance to front Supernova are spoiled snot-nosed wannabes; they make the Americal Idol crew look like seasoned pros.

The highlight and sexiest part of Rock Star is when hosts Dave Navarro and Brooke Burke exchange blouses. Navarro looks like a young Geraldo Rivera in drag.

Extremely entertaining televison at its sickest.

A.) Jason Newsted? That's the clown that quit Metallica?
B.) Yes - ha, ha, ha ...
C.) To do his own thing, ha, ha, ha ...
A.) Hey, now he's on TV with Tommy Lee, ha, ha, ha.
B.) Maybe he can make a sex tape with Tommy Lee, ha, ha, ha.
C.) I like that Rock Star show.
A.) Yeah, but you like crack too.
C.) That's true. We should go to the crackhouse.
A.) There are a few upcoming pieces to comment on, I think.
C.) Fuck that, let's go get high.
B.) Yeah - fuck it, it's Friday.
A.) Hmmm ... I got it! Let's just write a few generic lines ...
B.) ... and plug them in ahead of time ...
C.) ... and it will be swell.
A.) Yeah, fuck this place, stupid blog; let's go.
B.) Let's hurry up and type some crap.
C.) Let's do it right now.


SCREAMS FROM THE BALCONY!
Hipster book reading fiends are drooling on their thrift-store Dockers: Charles Bukowski's Factotum with Matt Dillon as Chinaski is coming to the big screen this August. Don't count on too many moviegoers checking it out; ten out of ten people don't know who the fuck Buk is. That means the DVD should be available by Christmas which means Factotum will be on dollar store shelves in the second quarter of 2007.

A.) Yes. As usual, the writer is right on the money.
B.) No, he's wrong - but he is incredibly handsome.
C.) I buried a prostitute under home plate at Comerica Park.



BALL OF CONFUSION 2006!
What's wrong with these teenagers today? They're kookoo. Did you hear this? Some kids in Burbank, Illinois beat up a fifteen year old boy. Then they tore off the prosthetic leg from his body and used it to whack another kid on the head. Now he doesn't have a leg to stand on. See how life is?

And the youngsters and their drugs ... why, Norm Macdonald remembers when pot was something you used to boil hot dogs in.

A.) Huh. I never looked at it like that before ... a refreshing take, thanks.
B.) I can't agree but your punctuation is always top-notch.
C.) Most Embarassing Moment? Drank too much and licked a lamb's genitals.





BONADUCE OR BUTTAFUOCO? WE GIVE UP!
Not sure if it's Danny Buttafuoco or Joey Bonaduce, but one of those knuckleheads has scored their own new game show on the Game Show Network. In case you're one of the suckers that still actually watches cable TV, the name of the waste of time is Starface.

Pop culture, ha, ha, ha.


A.) Someday Oliver Stone will make a movie about that person you just mentioned.
B.) First the war, now this.
C.) I wonder if Miss Perchakowski really blew a priest.


THE TRUTH, MAN - LIKE IT OR NOT!
Unless they can add a couple of hours to a day and then give it to me for free, satellite radio can kiss my ass. That’s right, I have spoken. Stern, Oprah, Martha, Jesus, 70's music, Blahbla … who fucking cares? I mean, really.

You have AM, FM, CDs, records, cassettes, TV, and DVDs to watch and listen to. You've got a mother, wife, mistress, and gay lover to entertain you. Will the motherfuckers never cease? I think we have enough crap for awhile, okay? Everybody take a deep breath, get a firm grip.

Refuckinglax; let's smell the roses.

And remember there’s a beautiful thing called silence that won’t kill you for two fucking minutes either, for fuck’s sake.

A.) Tell it like it is, brother.
B.) Rock Star rocks!
C.) Can’t read the column right now, I'm too high on crack.



artlyzak@ladybombescorts.com




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