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July 11, 2006


A Chat With Satan
Featuring Wacky Dictator Kim Jong-il

Satan: I have to confess I’m a big fan of yours.

Kim Jong-il: Sank you. You my idol, too. I hope to someday be big man down in Hell. I work very hard. Make my country rule the world soon. You will see.

S: I’m rooting for you. A lot of people are dying to know if you play poker, because it seems like you’re playing a mean game of Texas Hold’em with the rest of the region right now, not to mention the United States.

K: Ah, poker...I watch on Satellite television. I know what you mean, but this is not poker I play. It is chess. Your move Mr. Bush. Ha ha ha.

S: I must say your English is very good.

K: Oh, I learn from best teachers at University of Malta. They teach me well.

S: So you play poker and chess?

K: Yes, but my favorite game is Guess Weight of Criminals. I take lawbreakers in my country and guess how heavy they are. If I am right, they are shot. Wrong, get torture, but allowed to live. I love that game.

S: Torture?

K: Yes, break fingers, burn face, chop off toes, cut tongue...rape. Man or woman, rape is always big fun. A win-win situation for me. I enjoy that game very much. Also, wrestle with arms. No one ever beats me. I am champion of the arm wrestle. How about you Mr. Bush? Wrestle arms with me? Ha ha ha. Maybe you try, Satan. I bet I beat you, too.

S: Some other time perhaps. I’ve read that you’re bi-polar. Is that true?

K: Not bi-polar! I have sinus trouble.

S: Okay...What did you think of how you were portrayed in that Team America movie?

K: Oh, puppet movie! Very funny South Park guys. I have complete South Park on DVD. Watch all the time. I like it very much. Also big fan of Bernie Mac, Michael Jordan and Beyonce. She so hot I want her for personal performance. Request many times but always she says no. Planning a kidnap next time she comes to Japan.

S: You mentioned Michael Jordan. I also read that you like to watch NBA basketball. True?

K: Yes. I like basketball very much. Root for Houston and Yao Ming.

S: What do you think of Ben Wallace signing with the Bulls?

K: Detroit make big mistake with free agent. They also lose Darko and get nothing. If I know Joe Dumars, he has something up sleeve. But Big Ben in Chicago spell big trouble for rest of division. Look for Bulls to make noise in playoffs next year. Mark my words.

S: Think they’ll go all the way?

K: No, but pre-season favorite to make Eastern Conference Finals. My people say Pistons try to work three-way deal with Atlanta and Houston to get Yao Ming. If deal go through, they will be champions again. If not, middle of pack in Central Division.

S: Well, you certainly sound like you know your basketball.

K: Sank you.

S: For the record, can you clear up what your official title is?

K: Not President! No elections! In my country I am called Great Leader or Dear General. I am Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army and General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea. Some also call me Dear Father and am also known as The Sun of the 21st Century. I make last one up myself. But whole world will soon know me as Lord of Darkness.

S: Wait, Lord of...?

K: Whole world except for you, Satan. Sorry.

S: No problem...

K: Say, why don’t we wrestle arms for it? I win, I am Lord of Darkness. I lose, you take name and I call myself Sweet Dark Lord of Planet Earth Above Ground.

S: I don’t think so. But it’s been fun talking to you and we’re keeping a prime spot here in Hell for you when you’re done with your work there on Earth. Good Luck.

K: Sank you, Satan. I look forward to it. (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) He’s a fan of the Rockets, get it? In the NBA? The HOUSTON Rockets?
B.) I got it. I’m more interested in the torture and rape and stuff.
C.) You are one dark letter, B.


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