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July 05, 2006

 
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aries
March 21 - April 19
You’ve heard of a Catch 22, right? Well, Aries, you’ve just found yourself in twice as much of a dilemma. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. And I do mean, literally, damned. Straight to fucking Hell. Say "hi" to the Devil for me. Lucky number: 44, as in Catch-44, get it?

taurus
April 20 - May 20
Let’s see, the stars say...hmmm. For some reason I’m not getting a thing on you this week, Taurus. Do me a favor and hold a mirror up to your mouth and see if there’s fog on it. I’ll wait...No? Just as I thought. You are one dead motherfucker. No lucky numbers again.

gemini
May 21 - June 21
I can relate to your stress these days, Gemini. Between working a fucked-up job, dealing with that fool you sleep with and trying to keep up with your boozing, you’ve got it pretty rough. You can cut your stress by eliminating one of the problems. I suggest the fool. Lucky weapon: trash bag (over the head)

cancer
June 22 - July 22
If it were up to me, Cancer, I’d give you a pass this week. Unfortunately for you I have to stick to what the stars say, and they’re telling me that you’re fucked. Financial problems involving an ex-business partner will wipe you out. Physical revenge will make you feel better. Lucky weapon: baseball bat

leo
July 23 - August 22
How many times do you have to be told you’re an asshole before you straighten up your act? Huh, Leo. Oh, I see. You’re listening now you say. Well stupid, it’s way too fucking late. And to be honest, I don’t give a shit what happens to you anymore. No lucky anything.

virgo
August 23 - September 22
It’s gnawing away at your insides, isn’t it Virgo? That sinking feeling that he / she’s cheating on you again. My advice is to accept it and drop the worry. So what if the they need more pussy and/or cock than you can provide? Does that make them bad? I don’t think so. Lucky blanket: security

libra
September 23 - October 22
Ah, you’re a sly one, Libra. You truly planned the perfect murder. My hat’s off to you! Know this, though: You may not do jail time for it, but you will have to live with it for the rest of your sorry life. Plus, you’ll always wonder if you’ll do it again. Smart money says you will, and you won’t be so lucky next time. Lucky color: orange jumpsuit

scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Is there any way we can just skip Scorpio this week? Fine with you? Okay, thanks. Later...

sagittarius

November 22 - December 21
I wish there was a way to express my overwhelming joy today, Sagittarius. You’ve broken so many of the commandments that Moses is taking it personally. I hereby give you my blessing to break even more in the week to come. Kill. Kill. Kill. Lucky TV character: Baretta

capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You have hit one sweet stretch of good fortune, my friend. Capricorns don’t often get me envious, but this week is something special. Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll be richer than Trump in no time. Who would have thought that selling drugs would be so lucrative? Lucky metric unit: gram

aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Listen up, Aquarius. That big guy / gal with the skull tattoo in the next cell block is sweet on you, new meat. I know it’s not your thing, baby, but try to relax and enjoy it. After all, it’s only for 20 to life. No lucky numbers

pisces
February 19 - March 20
Hot diggedy-dog, Pisces. Celebrations all around this week. By that I mean that all around you people will be celebrating the holiday, but you will be closed up in your room strung out just like you are most of the time these days. Good news is those loud bangs are fireworks this time and not guns. Lucky tree: Sequoia... (SAL "THE CHAMELEON" BENSEN)




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