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July 10, 2006


March 21 - April 19
Oh, man. Do I really have to tell you what you’re doing wrong? Aries, you have moved to the dark side. I salute and fear you at the same time. Enjoy the taste of blood. No lucky numbers.

April 20 - May 20
It’s a good idea to stock up this week, Taurus. Nuclear apocalypse is a possibility thanks to those pesky North Koreans. Make sure you have at least three week’s worth of supplies. That includes pot, tequila and canned food. The end is near. Lucky numbers: 8,1,2.

May 21 - June 21
Hey, Gemini! How’s it hangin’? I’m guessing that the last two weeks have been something to write home about, good or bad. Next stop: trouble. Expect major setbacks in the coming week and it could mean a death in the family. Lucky letters: R.I.P.

June 22 - July 22
It’s a given that shit is going to go wrong, Cancer. But this week is the King of Shit for you. No lucky anything. I’m talking MAJOR SHIT.

July 23 - August 22
Your effort the past week hasn’t earned you any fans, has it, Leo? Well, don’t be surprised if that same indifference earns you a pink slip. No, homo, a pink slip is NOT a good thing. Lucky animal: elephant.

August 23 - September 22
Is it the end of summer already? I realize we’re early for birthdays, Virgo, but you need to know that there are special days coming this fall. Don’t expect to live through them, though. Lucky blanket: grave.

September 23 - October 22
If you free your mind, Libra, your ass will follow. Major mental overhaul followed by major ass reaming. And I do mean reaming. Lucky fuckstick: 9 incher.

October 23 - November 21
Sorry, but one more skip this time, Scorpio. Nothing happens this week. And even if it does, who cares?


November 22 - December 21
I wish I were born in December, Sagittarius. That way I could share something with both you and Jesus–Fucking-H-Christ. I can only wish you and your crucified cousin the best. Hope you do better than he did, fucker. Lucky cross: Maltese.

December 22 - January 19
I can’t believe that I’m almost done with my horoscopes for the week, Cancer. Only a couple left after you, and believe me, those Aquarius and Pisces retards will believe anything, unlike you. This week, you’ll be suddenly wealthy beyond your wildest dreams! Yeah, right, loser. No luck.

January 20 - February 18
This is the absolute dawning of the age of Aquarius, Aquarius. It won’t last long, though. People are really tired of your bullshit. Lucky clock: alarm.

February 19 - March 20
It’s all I can do to stay interested in you plight, Pisces, let alone writing something funny. Honestly, I just don’t give a fuck. But you can move out of that basement apartment if you find a roommate. You’ll need to admit your homosexuality to get the best deal. Lucky cake: fruit.... (SAL "THE CHAMELEON" BENSEN)


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