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July 17, 2006

 
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aries
March 21 - April 19
I feel your pain this week, Aries. I know it's bad. Unfortunately, you'll be feeling it a lot more than I do and I strongly recommend self-medicating with your recreational drug of choice. Lucky malt liquor: Colt 45

taurus
April 20 - May 20
Unlucky in love this week, Taurus. Sorry, but that's what it says. No matter how smoothly things have been going with the old ball-and-chain, it's about to get dicey. An unwanted pregnancy followed by a botched abortion could be the straw that break's the alcoholic camel's back . Drink until you turn yellow. Lucky color: yellow

gemini
May 21 - June 21
Take nothing for granted, Gemini. Even if you are my favorite sign, the sweet life can be over just like that (snapping of fingers). And there's going to be a lot of you finding that out this week. The stars are saying bad financial news, repossession and eventual bankruptcy. Hey what can I say? It's in the fucking stars. No lucky numbers this week.

cancer
June 22 - July 22
Ah, Cancer. Next to Gemini, you're my favorite sign. Unfortunately I don't have much good news for you this week, either. If you're a user, you might want to find a new supplier. Your guy is cutting it with some dangerous shit. Lucky numbers: 10cc

leo
July 23 - August 22
Yo, Leo. Why can't you listen up when I'm giving you good advice? I've told you time and again to watch your temper, maybe even take an anger management class. Did you listen? Of course not. Well, this week it gets the best of you. I see a bloody barfight followed by jail time. Lucky shot: Dewar's, neat

virgo
August 23 - September 22
Half way through with my astrological chores for the week and I look down and see your chart, my Virgo friend. I was encouraged at first when I saw that there would be transition for you this week, but then I realized it meant from this earthly life to the beyond. Have a nice trip. Lucky prayer: Hail Mary

libra
September 23 - October 22
I have been pretty vague with your horoscope in the past month or so, Libra, but that's because the stars haven't been telling me shit about you. Unfortunately, that means I have to make something up just to move this whole dog-and-pony show on. I just can't think of anything right now. I'll wish you luck, but...No lucky numbers.

scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Okay, Scorpio, after waiting for two weeks I owe you a doozy of a prediction for this week. Here it is: by the end of the week all of your mother-fucking problems will be solved. And I mean ALL of them. That's right, you lucky shit...no more worries, anxiety or fear. Too bad it also means no more eating, breathing and having sex. Lucky roll: egg

sagittarius

November 22 - December 21
I believe in you, Sagittarius, even if those closest to you have deserted you. Your spouse has abandoned you when you needed him / her the most, and nothing feels worse, I know. Nothing except maybe a knife stuck in their back, instead of yours. And in this case, I mean literally, not figuratively. Get a knife and stab the prick / bitch. Lucky getaway car: Pontiac Sunbird

capricorn
December 22 - January 19
I can't believe I wasn't deluged with complaints about addressing you last week as Cancer, Capricorn. Just goes to show that as a group, your astrological sign isn't all that bright. You're a friggin' Capricorn, okay? Not a Cancer! I hope you followed my advice last week, though. That part was right on. No lucky anything.

aquarius

January 20 - February 18
Okay, Aquarius. I give up. You win. Go ahead and ruin your life. You know that having an affair with your best friend's boyfriend / girlfriend isn't a good idea, but you're proceeding anyway. Just know this: best friends can be psychos, too, and they can fuck you up good if they find out. Lucky position: doggy-style anal

pisces
February 19 - March 20
What's shakin' this week, my Pisces friend? Not much, you say? Well, hold on to your hat because by the end of the week there'll be a whole lotta shakin' goin' on. So much so that you'll feel like you survived the San Francisco earthquake. Which one, you ask? Okay, just for that, you won't survive. No lucky numbers... (SAL "THE CHAMELEON" BENSEN)




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