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June 27, 2006

 
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PETA DROPS CHARGES
Marty Sherman Vindicated, Still Jaded

First off, I’d like to thank all the readers who wrote in support of me after my animal cruelty arrest fiasco.


From the bottom of my heart I thank you all, especially those of you in Slovenia, where I’ve been informed that squirrels are often kept as pets, cherished as a delicacy (squirrel goulash), commonly stuffed and displayed for good luck, and routinely worn as winter hats.

Believe it or not, my lawyer got a call from the Michigan Chapter of the ACLU last week and they were eager to help me get off the hook for that dead squirrel photo that was published a while back on Lady Bomb. Once the PETA folks found out that the ACLU was on board, they decided to drop the charges. Hoorah!

I’m having my attorney work on a counter suit against the pricks for defamation of character and wrongful arrest. I’ll keep you posted.

Ironically, I met Pat S. In NYC two weekends ago for a quick visit. I say ‘ironically’ because Pat was there to personally woo Beyonce, who recently had a much publicized run-in with the PETA people herself, for the Wheel Of Fortune’s upcoming R&B diva week.

Even though she had already tentatively committed to do the week-long series of shows to help promote her new CD, Pat is always looking for a good excuse to do the Big Apple, and a chance to meet with Beyonce was something I just couldn’t pass up.

We met Beyonce at a trendy Soho supper-club, where she and I commiserated over our PETA difficulties while drinking Mimosas and eating shrimp cocktail. She was shocked (along with most of the civilized world, I might add) that I actually spent time in jail for publishing a photo of a dead squirrel.

We talked for hours about fur, dead animals and which ones look best when hung around which parts of her body, eventually coming to the conclusion that it was a shame Prada didn’t make fur slingbacks.

It was a conversation for the ages and I wish I had a recording of it.

After several more drinks, the three of us jokingly decided to start our own organization called PETE, which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Entertainers. A quick vote amongst ourselves produced an Executive Office that consisted of Beyonce Knowles - President, yours truly - V.P., and Mr. Pat (my good friend) Sajak - Secretary / Treasurer.

Pat lost the minutes to our first meeting, by the way.

Once dinner was over, we talked Beyonce into singing a funky rendition of Rocky Raccoon, with Pat on backup vocals and me playing my bare belly like a bongo - I’m very adept at cupping my hand and slapping over my navel to create a loud, hollow back beat. There was zealous applause all around and we got a standing "O" from the rest of the crowd, many of whom let out with shrill whistles and shrieks.

After Beyonce called it a night, Pat and I encored with a stirring version of Wipe-Out, then bar-hopped around Manhattan until 4am. ... (MARTY SHERMAN)


A.) Man, that Sherman prick lives a charmed life.
B.) He did spend a weekend in jail you know.
C.) He deserved it, dead squirrel photo or no. He’s got to be guilty of something.




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