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June 23, 2006


Open Letter To Simon Cowell

New Show Blows Big Time...

Dear Simon,

How's it going? Hey, I love you, man. You are some kind of judge on American Idol - the best - you give it to the contestants good. And you get what … $36 million a year for doing it? I salute you, fucker. I salute you. Never has one man made so much for goofing on the pseudo talented.

It's not unlike what we do, except for the money part, ha, ha, ha ...

Per your request, last night I watched the new show you sold to NBC - America’s Got Talent -and dude, you have to agree it was a train wreck. I’ll give it another week but then I may have to bail. I could barely watch the 2-hour debut. I wish I’d spent the two hours more carefully and wisely.

I really do have to alphabetize my tofu recipes.

Ah, but you’re a genius, mate; I know you got your money up front.

AGT is nothing more than a new fangled Gong Show / American Idol hybrid without the charm, right? Except for the precious and genuinely funny 8-year-old stand-up comic, Syd the Kid, there was no heart - just a funeral parade of egotistical yahoos compelled by their need to be on TV.

Yo Simon, who’s idea was it to sign Regis Philbin as host? Enough with the Regis already. Look under his toupee; he’s two years past his shelf life. God bless him - he’s terrific – but goddamn it, come up with a fresh face, grab some up-and-comer … or get Chuck Fucking Barris, for Christ's sake; he has to be at least ten years younger than Regis.

And the judges led by washed-up TV star David Hasselhoff … come on. I’m too busy to research his um, body of work, but I’m sure at one time he was really something. I have no idea who the Bozo is, but this Haselhoff clown is absolutely gay. No, not in a homosexual way, but you know … fucking gay. Like hard-to-watch gay.

If memory serves he wouldn't gong the 65-year-old male stripper until Gramps was about to reveal his wrinkled package.

Come to think of it, maybe he is a homo ... but hey, that's cool.

The other judges – a snarky Brit guy and a thin black chick – are useless. Put me and Musty on - we'll give you a performance.

Well hell, you asked me to check in and tell you what I think. You got paid, that's the main thing, bro.

Give Yolanda my best, and thanks again for the dough to get the Bomb website up. The cops are getting closer and Marty Sherman's an occasional pain in the ass, but other than that it's going swell.


Lyzako ... (LYZAKO)

A.) Damn, I missed it. Did you TiVo it?
B.) Dickhead, you traded the machine for crack last night.
A.) What?!
C.) Dont you remember?
A.) What?!
B.) After you threw up at the bar, we went to the crack house.
A.) I threw up?
C.) On an Asian realtor.
A.) No!
B.) Yes.
C.) Then we went to the local crack house and smoked rocks.
A.) I don't remember.
B.) You have no brain, stupid.
C.) We ran out of cash. You traded in the TiVo machine for more crack.
A.) Why, that fucking crack ... see how it is?
B.) Yeah, you were a riot last night.
C.) Don't forget the Asian chick's body is in your car trunk.
A.) What?! Fuck.


I wish I could make that kind of money for telling people how terrible they are.
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