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June 29, 2006


New Bin Laden Tape!
Osama on Zarqawi, Bazoombas,
and Death to Pagan America ...

BAGHDAD, June 29 … A brand new Osama bin Laden tape will be available in stores in the next few days. Available on VHS only, bin Laden touches on the death of Abu Musab Zarqawi but saves most of his hosannas for Iraq’s burgeoning topless club scene.

“Don’t worry about Zarqawi; we will replace him,” bin Laden says sounding like a beaten-down old woman. “But I must somehow sneak into Plinqo (suburb of Baghdad) and see the beautiful things men have told me about in secret.”

The evildoer is referring to Baghdad Girl - a secret club where Iraqi men watch topless American girls dance ... in secret. Its location is telegraphed only by the word-of-mouth of excited men whispering in the alleys of metro Baghdad.

Here in the good old U.S.A., we can see strippers shaking them proper any damn time we want. Over there they can’t even say the word 'strippers' without being killed and burned in the town square at midnight.

And while we call breasts: jugs, patooties, cans, melons, tsitskas … whatever we want … like American men in the 1950s, the modern Iraqi dudes call the funbags bazoombas.

“Yes, we will destroy your pathetic pagan world,” Osama goes on, “But first I MUST SEE THE AMERICAN BAZOOMBAS … when I think of young bazoombas there is an uprising and insurgency inside these dirty filthy foul rags I wear … So be it - DEATH TO AMERICA!”

And life to bazoombas, thank Allah.

The five minute tape ends with bin Laden sitting on a dusty boulder in a bug infested cave whittling a new slingshot.

A.) That bastard. We will kill and burn him.
B.) Fuck that scumbag - stick a fork in him, he's done.
C.) He seems like an all right guy.
A.) What?!
B.) Letter, are you absolutely nuts?
C.) I've heard worse singers ...
A.) What?!
B.) Fuckhead, the guy's a terrorist and murderer!
C.) Taylor Hicks?
A.) Osama bin Laden, dumbass - pay attention.
B.) You smoke too much crack.
C.) You're right - I think I've got drain bamage.


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