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June 20, 2006

 
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MORE SHERMANISMS

Marty Sherman on Tipping...
Somewhere along the way I got a reputation for being a lousy tipper. Well, my friends, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Whether I’m out on the town for drinks or having lunch at Twingo’s West, I’m a solid twenty-percenter. I’m a leg-and-ass man, myself, and have been known to double that, so keep yourself in shape, ladies.

Note: There’s a direct relationship between the number of drinks I’ve had and the amount I tip. Make sure I’m well lubed and I’ll hold up my end of the deal.

I never leave a strip club with folding money in my pockets. Never. Ever!

Do I tip every Tom, Dick and Harry that brings me mail, holds a door open, cuts my hair, gives me a manicure, washes my car or picks up my trash? Fuck no! Do you?

By the way, I never got a tip for telling a good joke, either.

Oh, and I’ll carry my own bags, thank you.

On Being Funny...
Nobody’s funny all the time, but I come pretty damn close. Either you think I’m a riot or you just don’t get it. That’s on you and I really don’t give a shit either way.

On Not Giving A Shit...
In jazz lingo it’s "bust your conk" and the French call it "sans-souci" but "not giving a shit" has a much funnier sound to it. For example: "This sans-souci motherfucker busted his conk a long time ago and I really don’t give a shit."

Jokes are like sex. They’re really only funny when you don’t have to explain to the audience that you’re done.

Did I mention that women are like anchors? Well, they are.




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