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June 12, 2006

 
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'IDOL' ELLIOT YAMIN
MASSACRES
NATIONAL ANTHEM!
Singer's Rendition Worse Than War in Iraq?

FERNDALE, Mich., June 12 ... Hey, there's still blood coming out of my ears.

The wife wanted to see last night's very important basketball game. I was in the middle of Game of Shadows, the Barry Bonds steroid book, and said "Sure, watch it, I'll sit here and read." It's a killer book, by the way.

So I'm reading and I hear the Tom Petty song that kicks off the TV basketball show and the sportsguys talk about how exciting the game is going to be and then they announce that Elliot Yasmin from American Idol will sing our National Anthem.

Whoa, they have my attention; I look up at the screen ; I smell entertainment.

Yamin is the dude that looks like a dumbed down Adam Sandler. And like all of the American Idols, he's an oversinger.

I put down my book - there's nothing quite like a book: open it, read it, tuck a mark in, set it down and pick it up whenever you like, no muss no fuss. Books are the best.

I look up at the glowing tube as the announcer introduces Elliot Yasmin. The crowd goes nuts.

A few years ago, the wife and I had a similar situation, but Aretha Franklin sang the Anthem, and Good Lord, it was one of the most powerful versions I'd ever heard. Made me proud to be an American and a Detroiter ... tears ran down my cheeks, it's true ... yes, it was that good. But that was then ...

Tonight, Yasmin comes out and without any instruments behind him (in show business we call this acapella) and he absolutely nails it ...

... like when those fuckers nailed Jesus to the cross. Quite the caterwaul ... it was that painful.
'O say can you seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ...'

Every 'e' in see was a fuckingly mangled note - not unlike Yoko Ono's studio outtakes from the late 1960s.

From there it got worse.

'And the rockets' red glaaaaaaaaaaaaaare, the bombs bursting in ehrrrrrrrrrrr...'

Ow. Ouch.

The camera panned across the faces of the players; they couldn't believe it either.

It went on ... and on ... Goddamn, it was worst fucking singing I'd heard in my fucking life.

I should have been laughing my head off - it was that bad - but I thought about the TV network genius who invited Elliot to kick this beloved song in the balls and it made me sad.

He probably had a wife and children that would surely leave him after his horrific misstep.

The man would end up alone, in a one-room apartment with a hanging lightbulb and cheap card table, smoking curbstone beauties in a wife beater and piss-stained boxers ... asking himself why, why, why did he have to have Elliot Yasmin sing our beloved National Anthem?

He knew why.

I don't tape or TiVo television shows but this may have been a keeper. I'd like to maybe have a copy to pull out and show to friends. On second thought, probably not.

I swear to L. Ron, for a moment I thought it was a sick terrorist attack on America.

It went on ...

You know that one high note at the end that can make or break the performance?

'O'er the land of the freeeeeeeee eeee and the home of the braaaaaaaaaaaave?

Well, the douchebag didn' t even come close to hitting it. In fact, that note wasn't even in the city where the game was being played.

It was really something. Ow.

If there's any justice in this world, the cops are cutting Yamin's hanging body down right now, and Elliot left us knowing he did the right thing ... like a fucking manly man.

I shook my head and picked up Game of Shadows. The Stooges ticket stub took me right to page 194.

Books are the best. ... (LYZAKO)


A.) Elliot Yasmin? I thought he was great!
B.) Elliot Yasmin? His Anthem cut Aretha's to shreds!
C.) Elliot Yasmin? Why, he's the Placido Domingo of his generation!
A.) Whew ... are we out?
B.) Yes, thank God...
C.) Wow, that performance was a piece of shit.
A.) Fucking horrible. I've never heard anything so bad in my life.
B.) You got that right ... how much did we get?
C.) Three hundred apiece.
A.) That's all?
B.) The fuckers at Idol are cheapskates.
C.) Wait a minute ... look at the monitor.
A.) Oh no, we're still on the Internet!
B.) What?! The readers caught us lying for money?
C.) Shit, we're fucked ... fuck!
A.) Fuck me!!!
B.) There goes our street cred, fuck.
C.) Fuck. What are we going to do?
A.) Let's apologize and say we will never do it again.
B.) Good idea. I'm sorry and will never do it again.
C.) I'm sorry and will never do it again.
A.) I'm sorry and will never do it again.
B.) Damn, that was one close shave.
C.) Fucking money, ha, ha, ha ...







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