#"A Guy Walks Into A Bar ..."
Writer and Scholar Team Up To Help Readers
And right now, local media star Musty Scribblins
officially kicks off the weekend with three jokes in case you end up at a barbecue with nothing to say to people you don't want to be around but you don't want your wife pissed off at you so you're there.
BOMB BONUS! After each joke, Professor Stanley Stakarski
from the University of Warsaw
follows up with an in-depth analysis designed for the intellectual hipster set.Joke Number One
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby. His elbow hits her left breast, and they are both quite startled. “Madam,” the man says, “if your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 227."Genre: Hotel Sex Joke
Accidents happen, and in this case, it finishes with a happy ending or two. The man’s elbow excites the woman and the woman wants the man’s penis inside her. And being a modern woman, she understands that when a man gets a hard penis, he wants to have sex. She, as evidenced by how casually she tells the excited man her room number, is ready for hot sex action. The punchline is priceless—and of course, the number 227 is the funniest room number in the annals of hotel sex jokes.
Joke Number Two
One night, a couple lays down for bed. The husband suggestively rubs his wife's arm. She turns over: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, rolls over. A minute later, he turns around and says, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"Genre: American Newlyweds Sex Joke
As any young married couple knows, oral sex has the same end result for a man as vaginal sex and is way less work. In this scenario, the man signals his wife that his penis is hard and he wants sex. She, being a modern married woman, understands the importance of pleasing her husband while balancing the need to keep a “professional eye” on her vagina; she is justified in not wanting the doctor to discover semen in there the next morning. He could have worn a condom and had vaginal sex, but the husband obviously understands his wife’s need to “stay fresh” and suggests in a witty, marital way that she blow him instead.
Joke Number Three
For 26 years, Bill worked in a pickle factory. He came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion: An urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. The wife suggested he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill nixed the idea; he vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. A few weeks later, Bill came home early from work. His wife could see the twisted grimace on his face. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" He asked. "Oh, Bill, tell me you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did!" he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too!"Genre: Old European Married Couple Sex Joke
An element of surprise is at work here--we are led to believe that the pickle slicer is a machine that would slice the man’s penis and cause horrendous pain. The Hitchcockian - no pun intended - elements of the story’s first half weave a blanket of mystery. The wife senses something wrong (“What’s wrong, Bill?”) and voices concern over Bill’s fantasy of sticking his penis in the pickle slicer. At the end, we laugh in relief as we discover Bill doesn’t want to slice his penis in the pickle slicer, he wants to stick his hard penis in the vagina of the woman that slices the pickles, AKA “the pickle slicer.” #