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June 01, 2006

 
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From Beyond The Grave...
Jimmy Hoffa Laughs At F.B.I.
Interview With Satan Part Two


Satan: So, have you read the papers? They didn’t find anything on that farm, just like you said.

Hoffa: Sinatra told me. I’m not a big reader myself, but Frank polishes off the Times every morning.

S: Do you think this will be the end of the search for your remains?

H: God, I hope so, Satan. I mean, why does the F.B.I. need closure if I don’t? Know what I mean? I’m no genius, but it seems to me there’s better ways to spend tax money than diggin’ up the entire friggin’ country looking for me. Diggin’ and friggin’...ha. I’m a fuckin’ poet! Ha!

S: But the F.B.I. says that they had reliable information.

H: What? Some penny-ante dope dealer gets pinched and offers up my whereabouts to get a few less years in the joint? Shit, the Attorney General’s office shoulda known better than to make that deal. Listen, would you let me out of Hell early if I told you that I knew who had Jack and Bobby Kennedy killed?

S: No.

H: What about Martin Luther King? What if I confess to knowing who planned that one?

S: Uh-uh.

H: See, I rest my case. But you’re a lot more clever than the average government official, Satan, if you don’t mind my saying so. People won’t believe me when I say it, but it comes from the heart. You’re a pretty sharp cookie.

S: Thanks.

H: Don’t mention it. Now, enough about me. All that stuff about Mac’s farm reminded me of a story. Can I tell it?

S: Sure. Why not?

H: Well, he was one tough sonofabitch. One of the meanest bastards I’ve ever known. Still is probably. Anyway, the story goes that there was this union guy who needed to be taught a lesson and they sent Mac over to see him. This was way back in the ‘40s or ‘50s I think. So he catches this guy in his car and the guy’s scared shitless, right? I mean Mac’s a big sonofabitch, too and he could put the fear of God into you just by looking at you. No offense, Satan.

S: None taken.

H: Well, Mac gets in front of the car and punches the fuck out of the hood. Dents it! And starts shakin’ the car. This was back when cars were heavy, not like the lightweight plastic crap that comes off the assembly lines today. Then he comes around to the driver’s side, punches out the window and pulls the dumb bastard out by the hair. By his hair! Ha ha! Mac gives him a good kick, then reaches into the car and pulls the gearshift right off the steering column! Ha ha ha! Then he proceeds to beat the poor guy half to death with the thing. It was funny. Kinda like a cartoon, know what I mean? That’s all I could think of was it looked like a Bugs Bunny thing. Only a lot more violent. Maybe more like the Three Stooges than Bugs, but it was funny as fuck.

S: I can picture it.

H: Yeah, that Mac. He could sure swing a gearshift. Really takes me back... ... (SATAN)



A.) I didn’t realize that they got newspapers in Hell.
B.) I wonder if they read blogs down there?
C.) I think Shemp was the most underrated of all the Stooges.





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I should be in bed. I've got a lot of work to do this weekend.
 
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