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June 12, 2006

 
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aries
March 21 - April 19
Remember, Aries, there’s a dark cloud to every silver lining. So stay out of that gorgeous sunshine that the weatherman is making such a big deal about. There’s a large mole on your back that’s just about to become malignant. No lucky numbers.

taurus
April 20 - May 20
You’re my favorite sign, Taurus. I love watching you get waist deep in shit, like you are now. You have two choices: turn back towards dry land or head out to shit sea and swim like Lloyd Bridges. I’m betting you’re in a swimming mood. Grab your lucky snorkel.


gemini
May 21 - June 21
It started off innocently enough, I know, but your gambit is about to take a serious turn, Gemini. Your partner is planning revenge for something you didn’t even know until now that he / she knew you did. Confused? Me too. A trip to the emergency room is in your future. Lucky numbers: 9-1-1 .

cancer
June 22 - July 22
It’s time to take your frustration to a whole new level, Cancer. The world has come crashing down around you and I’m on your side. Everybody is going to pay for their transgressions against you. And that includes Mom and Dad. Lucky stuffed animal: Teddy bear.

leo
July 23 - August 22
You’ll be busier than Jim Nabors at a ball-cupping contest this week, Leo. But the bad news is, it won’t get you anywhere. Fortunately, you’re used to spinning your wheels. Well, step on the gas and go like Hell. The ride should be fun right up until you jump the curb and crash. Lucky prefix: anti-.

virgo
August 23 - September 22
You know, Virgo, I like you. Too bad the rest of the world isn’t on our side. I see some extremely painful experiences in the near future for you. Physical, mental and emotional pain beyond your wildest imagination. It will be horrible. Good luck.

libra
September 23 - October 22
Your best friend turns on you this week, Libra, and you will be shocked at the petty reasons for his / her betrayal. I suggest rather than forget the whole matter, you make them pay dearly for their behavior. Lucky weapon: bayonet.

scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Scorpio is one of the luckier signs this week, my friend. I must caution you that the sword of luck cuts both ways, though, and you could easily be in store for a long run of bad mojo. I recommend you prepare by drinking and playing the horses. Lucky pick in Wednesday’s trifecta: 7, 2, 8.

sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
That annoying cough that just won’t go away is what you fear most. While early detection is the key to a cancer cure, you haven’t caught it nearly early enough, Sagittarius. Sorry.

capricorn
December 22 - January 19
How many Capricorns does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It doesn’t really matter because you enjoy sitting in the dark anyway, don’t you? All alone. In a dark so dark that it matches the darkness in your dreary, black soul. Lucky numbers: 9, 199, 001909

aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Without being cruel, I’d say that you are in less than perfect condition this week, my Aquarian friend. If you were a collectable baseball card, your value would have been destroyed after weeks of being pinned to the spokes of a kid’s bicycle to make it sound like a motorcycle. Stupid fucking kids. No lucky numbers.

pisces
February 19 - March 20
Speaking of baseball, Pisces, I see a game in your future this week. But keep your eyes on the ball because there’s a good chance that a line drive will knock you out of that great seat on the first base line that you’ll be sitting in. Metaphorically speaking, I suggest you duck rather than try to catch it. Lucky mascot: Oriole.






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