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June 05, 2006


March 21 - April 19
Ready for some intrigue, Aries? Well, that Taurus who has become a problem is itching for trouble. It would be interesting to see who would win in a knife fight. I’m betting on you, my friend. Lucky catch phrase: "Just do it".

April 20 - May 20
Watch yourself this week, Taurus. The Aries asshole next door just went out and bought a knife and he / she definitely plans to use it. You might want to hang with your closest Gemini friend and make sure he / she’s got your back. Lucky number: 14

May 21 - June 21
You have a chance to prove what you’re made of this week. A feud will erupt with a Taurus who is close to you and it could get bloody. That’s where you come in, Gemini. You need to be the third man / woman in and it couldn’t hurt to be strapped. No lucky numbers for you.

June 22 - July 22
If I were you, Cancer, I’d stay in the house this week. The street will be a dangerous place to be if Taurus, Aries and Gemini have their way. Whatever amount of alcohol you drink each day, double that and take a sedative if you still can’t sleep through the noise. Lucky letters: zzzzzz

July 23 - August 22
I see relationship problems with a Virgo for you this week, Leo. He / she isn’t interested in a clean break. He / she wants to fuck with you as long as possible before taking you to the cleaners. I’m going to take the George W. Bush approach and suggest a pre-emptive strike. Good luck. No lucky numbers.

August 23 - September 22
Get ready for some underhanded dealing from Leo. The bastard / bitch has plans to screw you royally this week, Virgo, and don’t expect a kiss while he / she’s doing it. I see unemployment by the end of the week, too, but that could be the least of your worries. Lucky numbers: 2,3,5,1,0

September 23 - October 22
It’s a good week for violence, Libra. If a fight breaks out in public and you are anywhere in the vicinity, I recommend piling on. You have my permission to punch, pull hair and kick wherever you please. It will relieve a lot of the stress that’s been building up in you. Lucky word: Bicep

October 23 - November 21
Your mission, should you choose to accept it this week, is peacemaker, Scorpio. It will be fun to step in between battling friends, but don’t feel bad if you get a few licks in, too. I’m thinking a Jerry Springer type brawl. Scorpio! Scorpio! Scorpio! Make your own luck this week.

November 22 - December 21
Do whatever you can to crank up the heat a little this week, Sagittarius. Get drunk and be a mean drunk. If you’re not a whiskey drinker, try some and stick with the cheap shit. It will make you meaner, louder and more hung over the next day, which will make you mean even when you sober up. No luck for you.

December 22 - January 19
It’s time to call a spade a spade, Capricorn. Whenever trouble rears its ugly head you disappear. You, my chicken shit friend, are a chicken shit. have a golden opportunity to change this perception of you. Lash out this week at anyone and anything that upsets you. Don’t be afraid to use a weapon. Lucky numbers: 13, 666

January 20 - February 18
Try to be the last man / woman standing at the end of the week, Aquarius. It’s gonna get wicked scarey bad, too. I see dead bodies strewn all over the streets...dogs, cats, people. If you do manage to be the last one standing, you have my permission to set fire to something large. Like a building for example. Lucky letters: T, N, T

February 19 - March 20
An Aries relative might need a little nudge this week. It’s up to you to do it, Pisces, since the hairless bastard / bitch probably doesn’t have the guts to do what needs to be done. Remind him / her that he / she needs to get a knife and cut the fuck out of somebody. He / she’ll know who. Lucky numbers: 4, 244, 544, 404


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