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June 26, 2006

 
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aries
March 21 - April 19
Hey, Dumbass! Wake up! You’re about to be taken advantage of, Aries. I realize that this is nothing new to you, but if you don’t watch your back this time you could be penniless in the very near future. Court dates, fines and fees are in the stars. Lucky number: 9

taurus
April 20 - May 20
How many fingers do I have up, Taurus? That’s right. Just one, and you know which one it is. I represent the world telling you to fuck off. You can either lie in bed in the fetal position or get off your dead ass and do something to make things better. No fucking lucky numbers this week, fucker.

gemini
May 21 - June 21
I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of you this week, Gemini. You’ve avoided all the mistakes that could have sunk you by now and you’re thriving doing something that you marginally enjoy. Unfortunately, health issues will cut your life tragically short. Lucky letters: IRA

cancer
June 22 - July 22
Pull yourself up by the bootstraps this week. I know it’s not easy, Cancer, but you have to get off the bottle. You’re about to hit rock bottom. Again. Get a mirror, look yourself in the eye and embrace your weakness while acknowledging your strength. Then have a drink. No lucky numbers.

leo
July 23 - August 22
Desperate times call for desperate measures, Leo. It’s time to make sure that handgun you have hidden in the bottom dresser drawer is in working condition. There’s a couple of liquor stores near you that are just ripe for the picking and the pricks behind the plexiglass deserve a gunshot wound or two. Don’t be afraid to pull the trigger. Oh, and wear a mask, dummy. Lucky fatal game of chance: Russian Roulette.

virgo
August 23 - September 22
Gambling isn’t the worst addiction that you could have, Virgo. But we both know that it also isn’t your only one. The blow is going to get more and more expensive while the casino continues to take more and more of your money. You’re falling into a deep hole, my friend. I don’t see you getting out. Lucky lady: Queen of Spades.

libra
September 23 - October 22
So, Libra, you think you’ve got everything under control, eh? In spite of my warning you will be blind-sided this week in some kind of way. Unexpected bad news from an ex-lover means another trip to the clinic. Unlucky letters: S.T.D.

scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Hooray for you Scorpio! You win first prize in the stupid fuck of the year contest! You have made so many mistakes since January that the shit that happens this week shouldn’t come as a surprise. Just remember, though...whatever happens, it’s all your fault. Lucky numbers: 3, 0, 5.

sagittarius

November 22 - December 21
Crap, crap, crap. That’s the sound of the shit raining down on you, Sagittarius, and I don’t see any let-up this week. I’m a lot more accurate than that motherfucking weatherman that keeps telling you the sun is going to shine, too. It’s not. Not for you at least. No lucky anything.

capricorn
December 22 - January 19
An unwanted pregnancy is at the forefront of your bad news this week, Capricorn. I happen to be an advocate of choice, but if you’re the father, you may have none. If you’re the mother, though, think long and hard about your decision. No matter who the dad is there’s a good chance you’ll drop a future felon onto the streets, and the entire process will be painful beyond your wildest imagination. Even with a spinal block. Lucky day: Tuesday.

aquarius
January 20 - February 18
If you managed to avoid jail last week, Aquarius, you were one of the lucky few. But the cops are still hot on your trail and you need to relocate somewhere where they’d least expect to find you. I suggest a big city where you can still get the drugs you need to get by. Lucky tattoo: Mom.

pisces
February 19 - March 20
I saved the best news of all this week for you, my Pisces friend. An accident will cause you pain and horrible disfigurement, and there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it. Play your cards right, though, and the future holds a big insurance settlement and maybe even a book deal. My advice: keep your fingers crossed and drive carelessly. Lucky licence plate: GETREAL. ... (SAL "THE CHAMELEON" BENSEN)




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