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June 19, 2006

 
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aries
March 21 - April 19
Don’t look to your friends for help this week. You are truly on your own, Aries. A misunderstanding with the opposite sex means a lingering, painful death by Friday. For you, Aries, I want to make sure that you understand that you are the one going to die. No lucky numbers again.

taurus
April 20 - May 20
Good news, Taurus. That extra weight you’ve been trying to drop will start coming off this week with little or no effort on your part. The bad news? You’ll be well on your way to rail thin by the time they diagnose the tumor. Lucky surgical tool: rib spreader.

gemini
May 21 - June 21
If you’re celebrating a birthday this week, Gemini, avoid the water. The stars are painting a vague but beautifully impressionistic picture that depicts capsizing, shipwreck and/or drowning, depending on how you look at it. Unlucky nautical name: S.S. Minnow.

cancer
June 22 - July 22
Dealing with depression by drinking and using drugs only exacerbates the problem. And exacerbates means makes it worse, you Cancer dolt, not better. Nevertheless, you have my blessing to exacerbate away. Lucky drink: Chocolate Rothko.

leo
July 23 - August 22
Remember when you were a kid, Leo? When you didn’t have a care in the world and summertime meant three months with no school and unlimited fucking around? Well, those days are long gone and you can expect a summer full of painful surprises. I could be specific, but surprises are more fun. Well, these won’t be. Lucky numbers: 32, 33, 34, 35.

virgo
August 23 - September 22
You know what they say, Virgo: Love is for Losers. I see that you’ve lost big time and it’s really got you down. He / she broke your freaking heart, right? Well, you can teach them a lesson they’ll never forget with a strong rope, a quiet corner in the garage and a folding chair. Oh, don’t forget the suicide note that blames them for everything. Your luck has run out.

libra
September 23 - October 22
You should be feeling better than you have in a long time, Libra. The stars are aligned in a very favorable pattern for you through mid-week. Oops, I guess that wasn’t a star there on the chart, just a crumb from my bear claw. Sorry. I see poor health and unemployment. Lucky cartoon character: Betty Boop

scorpio
October 23 - November 21
No shit, Scorpio. Have you finally decided to stand on your own two feet and show the world what you’re made of? I’m surprised. You’re normally such a chicken shit that I’d expect you to buckle under the pressure like Kirstey Alley’s knees when she waddles down the stairs after dinner. Good for you. Lucky buckle: belt.

sagittarius

November 22 - December 21
I know it’s hard to hear that you have a terminal disease, Sagittarius, but it’s true. It won’t be some run-of-the-mill illness like cancer or heart disease, either. I see something so exotic and rare that it could land you on the six o’clock news. See, you’ll be kind of famous. Not so bad, is it? Lucky finger: index.

capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You’d probably consider yourself lucky if only you had a rare terminal illness this week, Capricorn. I see a bludgeoning from a relative that you would least expect. There’s a less than 50-50 chance that you’ll survive. No lucky numbers.

aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You will need to move quickly this week in order to avoid arrest. If you’re newly paroled from prison, Aquarius, you can expect to end up back in the joint if you don’t drop what you’re doing and get out of town now. Now! Move it! Lucky cigarette: Lucky Strike. How lucky is that? And they’re like money in jail.

pisces
February 19 - March 20
Avoid air travel this week, Pisces. Due to unresolved labor issues, I see planes falling from the sky like rain in the...umm, rainforest. It’s probably a good idea to spend the week underground. If you don’t have a basement, dig a hole and hop in. Lucky nonsense word: dagnabbit. ... (SAL "THE CHAMELEON" BENSEN)




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