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May 25, 2006


Suicides Claim Portion
Of Squirrel Population
University Study Exposes Intelligence And More In Rodents

A new study at Harvard University Veterinary School has determined that the North American squirrel is one of the most intelligent mammals on earth.

And it doesn’t matter if the little critter is red, black or gray.

"We tested the subjects thoroughly," said a professor involved in the ground-breaking study, "and each variety passed with flying colors. We found that all squirrels were capable of very advanced forms of thought, not dissimilar to human thinking."

The tests found that the tree-dwelling rodents were quicker to learn simple tasks than any other domestic pet, including dogs.

"Squirrels can be seen to cross busy city streets within crosswalks and with the light," stated the report.

But what of those that we see flattened in the street? How smart are they?

"The study also turned up something very surprising," said a researcher. "The greater an animal’s intelligence, the greater it’s capacity for emotion. In other words, squirrels have genuine feelings...of joy, love, happiness and unfortunately, of depression. The vast majority of the squirrels you see dead in the road have thrown themselves in front of cars because they no longer wish to live."

The study also found that each variety of squirrel was extremely intolerant of squirrels of a different color, preferring to keep within small populations of the same variety.

"You could almost say that they were racist." ... (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) Is a dead squirrel supposed to be funny? I don’t get it.
B.) Dead skunk. Now that’s funny. In the middle of the road.
C.) Stinkin’ to High Heaven! Yeeeeeee-haaaaahhhhh!!!


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