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May 05, 2006


Sal "The Know-It-All" Bensen's


March 21 - April 19
Look at you, big shot. Things go your way for one minute and you think you’ve got it knocked. It’s temporary, Aries. You come crashing down to earth this week. And I mean it will be a spectacular crash. No lucky numbers.

April 20 - May 20
I don’t normally agree with you, Taurus, but this time you’re right. The boss is an asshole and if he / she gives you any shit this week, you have my blessing to tell him / her to fuck off. Do it by Wednesday and you can take the rest of the week off..

May 21 - June 21
It’s not a perfect world, Gemini. Even a brain as limited as yours must understand that. But keep holding your breath. If you turn completely blue, you may get your way. I doubt it, though. Play the three digit daily: 666

June 22 - July 22
It’s a tough decision isn’t it? Choose rehab, Cancer. You’ll thank me for it. Lucky number: 8

July 23 - August 22
What little luck you’ve ever had has completely run out. You’re normal troubles with the opposite sex will only get worse. Expect to die a lonely, bitter old man / woman, Leo. Lucky numbers: 1,3,5,7,9

August 23 - September 22
I know it scares you, Virgo, but you need medical attention asap. That sore on your penis / labia is exactly what you fear most. Good news, though. They have dating clubs for people with incurable sexually transmitted diseases.

September 23 - October 22
Invest in a good handgun, Libra. You have more enemies than you realize and you never know when you might need it. If things get too bad, it’s also a great way to check out. Lucky letters: s,H,i,t,y

October 23 - November 21
Listen up. Nobody likes a crybaby, Scorpio. So suck it up and take it like a man / woman. Whatever it is, it will all be over soon. Try a new recreational drug this week.

November 22 - December 21
So you thought that little caper wouldn’t come back to haunt you, eh? Well, it’s comeuppance time, Sagittarius. And you’ll be lucky if you get out alive. Live it up this week. You may not get another chance. Lucky numbers: 2,4,6,8,10,100

December 22 - January 19
There’s more to life than being happy, Capricorn. There’s also the crushing weight of responsibility. Combine that with chemical dependence and you have a recipe for destruction. Your recipe? Add one fifth of vodka, skip dinner and stir well.

January 20 - February 18
Keep hitting your head against the wall as you redefine the word stubborn. There’s a fine line between stubborn and stupid, though. This week you’ll find which side of that line you’re really on, Aquarius. Lucky numbers: 1,1000,2,1000,3,1000,4

February 19 - March 20
There’s no shame in giving up, Pisces. Especially if, as in your case, the future is obviously bleak beyond hope. Don’t expect things to get better any time soon. Get used to being depressed. Lucky numbers: 23, 30, 45


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