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May 17, 2006


Metal Music Not Technically ‘Heavy’
Study Finds Rock Lags Behind Jazz, Classical In Terms Of Weight

In a recent study done at NYC’s famed Juilliard School, music scholars ranked popular forms of Western music according to several factors, including artistic merit and complexity.

Not surprisingly, their research determined that Classical music tops the list, followed by Jazz, Folk, Pop, Showtunes, Blues, R&B, Rap then Rock.

"In terms of weight, there’s no doubt that Classical music is the heaviest of all music," said one researcher. "And Jazz, especially free-form Jazz, comes in a close second."

Fans of Rock music were incensed with the findings, however, and voiced their displeasure at a small rally outside Manhattan’s Lincoln Center, where the school is located.

Signs proclaiming "HEAVY METAL FOREVER", "ROCK WEIGHS MORE THAN JAZZ" and "SHOWTUNES ARE FOR SISSYS" could be seen as the young people circled in front of the building with their fists held high in protest.

"I don’t care what these freaks think, dude," said one Heavy Metal fan. "Metallica rocks, and I’m not stupid for thinking they do."

Sonny Rollins, one of the Jazz world’s elder statesmen, agreed with the school’s rankings.

"Bartok was heavy, man. Miles, Bird, Monk...heavy. Bob Seger, not so much."

Seger, who wrote the Rock anthem "Heavy Music", was unavailable for comment.

A.) Where do the Stooges fit into this whole thing?
B.) Moe, Larry and Curly? Or Iggy?
C.) Either way, they’re way heavier than Bob Seger, that’s for damn sure.



What about "Metal Machine Music" by Lou Reed? Where does that fit in?
Junior, my man. Good to see you lookin'.
Nothing really "fits in", now does it?
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