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May 30, 2006


Men In Black To Multiply
Secret Service Announces
Recruiting Drive

The United States Secret Service has begun a recruitment push that they estimate will run throughout the remainder of President Bush’s term in the White House.

The reason?

"We’re having a heck of a time keeping up with ongoing investigations concerning threats to the President and Vice-President," said Secret Service spokesman Ralph E. Malff.

"It’s simply a matter of manpower."

The latest threat to the White House came from a 52-year-old resident of Garden City, Michigan who allegedly made a series of phone calls to Dick Cheney’s office during which he wished another heart attack on the Vice-President.

After a brief visit with the man last week, investigators left without making an arrest or filing charges.

"He had been wishing a heart attack on his mother-in-law for a number of years and she's still alive and well," said one of the agents assigned to the case. "He also wished a heart attack on me, and I checked out fine afterwards."

During questioning the man reportedly also wished heart attacks on Madonna, Sir Paul McCartney, Liberace and "that dancing guy from those eyeglass commercials."

Investigators say he was unaware that Liberace is already dead.

A.) I wish my brother George was here.
B.) You have a brother?
C.) He’s doing an impersonation of Liberace, stupid.


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