You’re secretary told me you were too busy to take my calls and suggested I write you instead, so that’s what I’m doing.
Let me start off by saying I believe you are one of the Hollywood greats, I remember that Tom Jones show you wrote about recently in your wonderful blog, Lady Bomb Escorts, and like you, I think Sir Tom is one hell of a performer, if you excuse my French.
Speaking of French, I am a 63-year-old gay man writing from prison and I have an idea for a movie. I have been pitching it for many years but now that Brokeback Mountain was loved by many people I thought now would be a good time to try to have it produced again.
I also understand you are good friends with Pat Sajak. He has always been my favorite TV game host and I’m glad he doesn’t have a coarse prickly moustache like Alex Trebek.
My movie idea is this…it’s a serious drama. Two 2 guys are writing to each other--they’re married to one another, see? One is in prison because he shot another guy he caught his husband blowing, and eventually marrying after this jealous guy went to prison for shooting the other guy’s balls off.
Everyone in the film is gay -- so from here on I won’t have to mention it anymore.
Anyway, the shooter goes to prison…and the cheating husband ends up marrying the guy with no nuts. It’s a guilt thing. He can still do it, but has to use a pump, a really noisy pump, to get any action going.
Anyway, shooter dude hides in a dirty filthy laundry hamper for three days, when the laundry guy comes, wheels the hamper into the truck, and drives to Wichita, Kansas, which is coincidentally the place where the original guys fell in love and cheated and shot the guy’s nuts off…the scene of the crime if you will.
Long story short: The convict eventually sneaks into the house of his ex-husband and he puts poison into the pump bulb.. No nuts comes home from work and he wants to relax by masterbatin and starts to pump it up and have sex, he instead pumps himself with poison and dies.
Well, what do you think? Do we got a deal? Is this some kind of movie or what?
So truly yours,
Renaldo Vayquaz #47699
Marty Sherman replies...
Hey, I’ll run this by my contacts at HBO and get back to you, Renaldo, but don’t hold your breath.
My first instinct is that Hollywood, even after Brokeback Mountain, isn’t exactly ready for this type of love story, but as Pat says to me time and time again, "What the fuck do you know, Marty?"
He means that in the best possible way, I might add. You gotta love the guy.
Anyway, the direct-to-video market is another option, and as a last resort, there’s always fetish porn.
Good luck and keep those letters coming...