Here’s almost a dozen new ways to feel groovy that we’ve checked out this year. Dig that.
FOXYCONTIN:Like giving yourself a roofie. If you don’t want to go home alone, take one of these. An hour later even the most hideous creature in the damn club is beautiful, charming and witty. The high only lasts three hours so be sure to get laid and lost before your Paris Hilton turns back into Rosie O’Donnell again.
CHECKSTASY:Money is no object when you take one of these tablets. You can buy anyone and anything - money is no object in your brain - for up to eight hours before you come back down to reality and rediscover the three one-dollar bills, a nickel and a penny in your filthy jeans pocket.
PRETENDIN:Like Checkstasy, this is a fantasy drug. You will not be able to walk, talk, or function, but in your mind you’ll be a local or international rock star depending on how much you take.
CUERVOZINE:For those who don’t like the taste of tequila, pop one of these every thirty minutes. Agave-based with a lemon coating.
ANTACID:Back in the late 50s, a group of demented scientists studied the effects of LSD on ants. They discovered that the hallucinogen “freaked out” the miniscule bugs not unlike their human counterparts. Antacid is like human acid except the pills are so tiny that a human would have to take thirty thousand of them to trip out.
DYKEODIN:Dude, drop one of these into a lesbian’s cocktail…an hour later she’ll be all over you like stink on a monkey. If a gay chick drops a Dykeodin into a straight chick’s drink, she’ll be gay for a few hours. Stronger than Feynomore.
BOTANATEBALL:Pill designed for cokeheads whose nasal lining resembles corned beef hash. Must be taken every twenty minutes.
BECKSLAX:Depending on your age, this makes you feel like a clever rocking Scientologist or a top-notch British guitarist.
CHIPITOR:If you smoke weed, you get the munchies. Take this wonder snackdrug instead. You’ll feel like you ate a big bag of Ruffles. Even better with Dipitor.
SOBERESQUE:When you’re way too fucked up to be driving, two of these will give you the false impression that you didn’t take any drugs or liquor at all. ...(MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)