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May 15, 2006


Hey Mutant,

I'm being let out, May 21 till May 28th. They call it a
vacation at work - I call it 7 days of bourbon and beer.

I'm a SWP (Single White Punk) looking for pizza and chicks.

Please tell me there's something/somewhere cool to do or go to that week! I really have to leave the room. This depression is depressing me.

Write me back, let me know, just dont eat the yellow snow.

Joey Malicious Detroit, MI

No prob,'re in Detroit, right? Okay, here we go.

Sunday, May 21: Get up at 11AM, shit, shower, shave then get to Tomatoes A Pizza in Farmington Hills at 14 Mile Road and Middlebelt and buy a large pie. I get the Classic w/pepperoni. This is the best thin pizza in the world, believe it. Eat half of it and save the rest for Monday's breakfast. On the way home pick up beer, snacks, and porn. Stay home and relax, there are many days ahead. Pass out by 10PM - sleep for 12 hours.

Monday, May 22: Wake up at 10AM, throw on jeans, tee shirt, and a leather jacket - drive to Ann Arbor. It's what - 40 miles from Detroit? Piece of cake. Eat the cold pizza on the way. Park in a parking garage. Walk around, hit a few bookstores, record stores, shop / don't shop - you don't care -and have a swell inexpensive Middle-Eastern lunch at Jerusalem's Garden.

Go to Ashley's on South State Street. Screw the bourbon; drink shots of tequila. Get the Chinaco kind. Talk to girls. Buy them drinks. If there are no chicks there, find another joint (many in walking distance) and repeat the process. Monday is a great night to meet babes that toil in the bar & restaurant industry. Their off-work nights are usually Mondays and Tuesdays so they party their asses off; get really drunk - in theory, anyway. Find a chick, don't be fussy, drink like a mutha, bang her, and stay at her pad. Or crash in your car. It's in the parking garage, remember?

Tuesday, May 23: Wake up when you feel like it and drive back home towards Detroit. Buy beer, tequila, lunchmeat and bread. Stop at the Book Beat in Oak Park and get Peter Guralnick's Dream Boogie, a bio on Sam Cooke - a killer read. Sam used to call everyone fucker, ha, ha, ha. Drink beer and /or tequila till you pass out.

Wednesday, May 24: Wake up, hit your favorite local crack house and smoke your brains out. Reflect on your life, contemplate the future. Bang a crack whore. Walk - do not drive, fucker - home the next morning.

Thursday, May 25: Stay home all day, nap, listen to music, watch TV, eat lunchmeat and bread (sandwiches) with snacks on the side, call relatives and friends you haven't spoken to in awhile and get some well-deserved sleep.

Friday, May 26: To Hell with the clock...wake up when you wake up. Have you ever murdered a man? If you've ever thought about it, may as well do it on vacation. Severing a head with a sharp knife is best when you don't have a gun. Take your time, clean up all the blood, don't leave any fingerprints. Dispose body properly.

Saturday, May 27: Make sure you have beer tequila, drugs, lunchmeat, and bread at the house and take advantage of the Lady Bomb Escorts special, 3-4-1 Outcall Saturday - that's three $200 all-day prostitutes for the price of one. Think about it. It's a whoretastic deal. Be discreet on the phone, thanks.

Sunday, May 28: Drink heavily and type up everything that happened last week. Send it to Chances are good we'll publish it, you'll get a book deal, and you won't have to return to your depressing job. Reality is big entertainment, as you know.

Enjoy your vacation. Hope I helped a bit. Have fun...(LYZAKO)

A.) Wish I were on vacation.
B.) Yeah, I feel like murdering someone, too.
C.) Uh huh, and then having a nice sandwich.



Man, that makes me want to eat some pie, drink some suds and kill some BODY!
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