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May 10, 2006


Cult Of Worshipers Form To View Near Drowning On Prime Time

After holding his breath underwater for more than seven minutes, magician David Blaine was forced to give up when he was unable to free himself from shackles in front of a prime time audience Monday night on ABC.

His goal was to break the world record of 8 minutes, 57 seconds.

The modern day Houdini had already set one world record after being submerged in water for a week in a plastic bubble in NYC’s Rockefeller Center.

Loving fans and admirers, many of whom recently became members of the Church Of God In Blaine, were on hand to cheer him on.

"We love you, David!" and "Fly, David, fly out of the waters of Hell on Earth!" were just two of the chants that could be heard as they awaited the witnessing of yet another miracle.

But alas, it was not to be. After eating glass, reading minds, bending solid steel bars, cleaning up in Vegas at the roulette table and tying his shoes without using his hands, it seemed that the Magic Man was fresh out of miracles for one night.

Blaine ran into difficulty when he was forced to wear thick rubber gloves in order to avoid damage to his wrists from the chains that bound him. Doctors feared that his skin, which had softened after a week in the drink would be torn from his flesh without the gloves’ protection.

Unfortunately, they also greatly hindered his miracle-performing ability.

Evel Kneivel, founding member and pastor of the Church Of God In Blaine, said afterwards: "My faith in David is undeterred. He will perform another miracle. He was born to it."

Shortly after, members of the Church lined up to touch their idol, and many volunteered to have him remove and restore their incisors, which is a part of what they call their ‘True Doctrine of Baptism.’

The soft-spoken Blaine, who appeared fatigued, declined to perform the rituals and was led away wrapped in a linen shroud....(MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) The shit was unbelievable! It really was.
B.) If I could do the stuff he did, I’d take over the world. No shit.
C.) I’d use it to get chicks. Really hot chicks.


Yeah, David has dated Fiona Apple, Madonna, and he was dating Josie Moran when he was stuck in the giant ice cube.
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