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May 18, 2006


What's wrong with this flick? Ten Things.

1. Jesus Christ is wearing a Timex wristwatch during the chariot race. They didn’t have wristwatches back then.

2. During the poignant Jesus and Mary Magdalene love scene, you can hear someone off-camera yell “Go to Dairy Queen, fuckhead.” This highly inappropriate line, while probably an accident, should have been caught and taken out in post production. Jesus never enjoyed Dairy Queen; soft serve ice cream wasn’t invented yet.

3. Casting Norm Macdonald as Judas Iscariot probably looked good on paper but it just flat out didn’t work. Norm couldn’t hide his famous crack smirk. He looked ready to blurt a crack joke at any time.

4. For a film that cost $125 million to make, Karatako the Time Machine could have looked more authentic. You could tell this was once a photo booth with Styrofoam wings painted

5. When Tom Hanks confronts Jesus in the marketplace, a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights sits next to His glass of wine. Christ didn’t smoke cigarettes; and Ultra Lights were not created until 1986.

6. Naming Mary Magdalene’s brother Opie – like using Norm Macdonald – may have looked smart on the scripted page but onscreen it made us wish we were watching Opie Taylor on the Andy Griffith Show. Remember Otis the Drunk? Twas the golden age of television, my friends.

7. In the alley scene after L. Ron Hubbard chases down Jesus and Tom Hanks and holds a gun on them, for a brief moment the bandage is on Jesus’ forehead, the next moment it is on His chin.

8. The significance of the film’s last line spoken in unison by Christ and Hanks: “Da Vinci? No, Da Pinci!” made absolutely no sense at all. The entire preview audience left the screening either in bewildered silence or mumbling to each other, “What the fuck?” We did both.

9. While rock and roll hits from the 60s are always fun, the Twelve Apostles drunk on wine, dancing with each other to Louie, Louie by the Kingsmen at the Last Supper seemed a bit sacrilegious.

10. Jesus’ back tattoo of Jesus on the Crucifix was plain weird. More David Lynch than Ron Howard. ... (LYZAKO)

A.) Christ, what a stupid flick.
B.) Hanks is a boring mess.
C.) Norm was great in Dirty Work.


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