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May 28, 2006


March 21 - April 19
Listen to those voices in your head this week, Aries. You know the ones. The ones that say "I was born to suffer," or "I’m never going to amount to anything." The voices are right. No lucky numbers.

April 20 - May 20
Since the past year has brought so many bad experiences it’s only natural to expect the worst every day. Well, Taurus, that’s not such an unhealthy thing in your case because there’s definitely more shit coming down this week. Alcohol will get you through it. Play the three digit at the party store: 4, 5, 9

May 21 - June 21
You’re employment outlook is bleak, Gemini. You’ve painted yourself into a corner where you are and it’s all downhill from here. The boss is onto your laziness and sloppy work habits. His / her boss also knows, and they’ve had some serious conversations about your future, which doesn’t include a severance package. Sorry. Lucky letters: M, A, R, V, I, N

June 22 - July 22
Knock. Knock. "Who’s there?" "Cancer." "Um, Cancer who? Go away!" That’s right, Cancer, the biopsy results are back and Big ‘C’ is in the house. Ironic, isn’t it? Cancer has cancer? Unfortunately, you just can’t tell it to go away. Good luck with that.

July 23 - August 22
Divorce isn’t the worst thing in the world. Half of America goes through at least one, Leo, and you were lucky to hold it together for as long as you did. Try not to imagine your ex sucking a new dick / eating a new pussy the way she / he did it to you when you first got married. But she / he is, and she / he seems to be enjoying it much more this time around. Lucky numbers: 6, 9, 69

August 23 - September 22
Bad news comes in the mail this week, Virgo. Remember that speeding ticket you got and never paid? Well, the DMV has caught up with you and your driving privileges have been revoked. My advice is to get a gun, go down there and show those punks a thing or two. They can’t treat you this way.

September 23 - October 22
A stolen car, a handgun, a bag of cash and a couple of pounds of weed are the keys to your future this week, Libra. If everything falls into place, you will be thumbing your nose at the God-forsaken wasteland you call home and heading for the West Coast. Unfortunately, it all ends in a fatal rollover accident after a high-speed chase.

October 23 - November 21
If I were you, Scorpio, I’d start packing now. Your little scheme has backfired and the cops are sniffing around, so you’d better plan on getting out of town while you can. By the way it was your sister / brother / cousin who ratted on you. Maybe you can catch a ride with Libra. Lucky numbers: 323, 232, 332, 233

November 22 - December 21
Okay, just for fun we’re going to pretend like everything is hunky-fucking-dory this week, Sagittarius. Live it up because it all ends soon. I see incarceration, cigarette burns and self-inflicted tattoos in your future. Lucky numbers: 2, 4, 24, 48

December 22 - January 19
Ah, sweet freedom. It’s time to hit the road, Capricorn. You’ve run through all your cash and it’s life on the dirty mean street for you, my friend. Just remember, you can still sell your body and get by. No lucky numbers this week.

January 20 - February 18
Right now your boyfriend / girlfriend is getting it on with somebody else. That’s right. At this very minute as you read this. How can I be so sure you ask? Well, Aquarius, it’s in the fucking stars, that’s how. If you don’t believe me, call his / her cell phone. I’ll bet he / she doesn’t pick up, because he / she’s getting LAID. Lucky animal: dolphin

February 19 - March 20
Eviction or foreclosure is in your future, Pisces. It won’t happen this week, but now’s the time to start planning for it. Make that dreaded call to Mom & Dad or Sis or whoever it is that’s always there to bail you out. They’ll say no this week, but keep trying. They might cave one more time. Lucky, lucky number: 7


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