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May 13, 2006


March 21 - April 19
I know, I know. Everything pretty much tastes like a shit sandwich nowadays doesn’t it, Aries? Well, my advice to you is chew, swallow, smile and politely ask for another. Learn to enjoy the flavor of shit. Lucky numbers: 23, 25, 33

April 20 - May 20
Tsk, tsk, tsk, Taurus...Did you know the neighbor saw you fucking your husband’s / wife’s (best) friend(s) last week while your better half was out of town? Yep. In fact, the rascal caught it on video. Hope it was worth it. No lucky numbers.

May 21 - June 21
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. You need to focus on getting through the day and THEN you can start boozing. A trip to jail is in your immediate future, Gemini, if you insist on drinking breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lucky number: 1-800-LAW-YERS

June 22 - July 22
So, how’s that old monkey on your back these days, Cancer? Whether it’s crack or meth or heroin, you’re pretty much fucked, aren’t you? Looking for lucky numbers? Forget it.

July 23 - August 22
It’s about time you grew up, Leo. The world doesn’t work according to your ‘grand scheme’, shithead. If you think you’ve got it bad, I’d advise you to wait a week. It’s gonna get much worse. Try these winning numbers: 44, 46, 7, 69, 0

August 23 - September 22
The good news? You won’t have to struggle to make a living much longer, Virgo. The bad news? You’ll likely be dead by the end of the week. Live it up until then and let somebody else worry about funeral arrangements.

September 23 - October 22
Both you and I know you’ve got problems, Libra. You just need to admit it to yourself. Go to the mirror and look yourself square in the eye and say: "Yes! I am a bastard prick / bitch cunt!" Honesty is the best policy. Lucky numbers: 4, 8, 12, 16, 20, 21

October 23 - November 21
It’s felt like the weight of the world has been on your shoulders lately hasn’t it? Well, Scorpio, you’re allowed to live a little. Let go and have unprotected sex with a stranger in a dangerous public spot. Then kill him / her. Lucky numbers: 3, 9, 11

November 22 - December 21
For those of you Sagittarians behind bars, there’s a possible shanking and/or gang-rape in your immediate future. Watch your backs. You’re fresh out of luck this week.

December 22 - January 19
It feels good to be ‘King / Queen of the Mountain’ for a change, doesn’t it Capricorn? Oh, I forgot. You’ve never been there and you don’t know what that feels like, do you? Well, it feels better than you’ve ever felt. Lucky letters: c, O, m, B

January 20 - February 18
It’s hard not to admire someone who’s as ruthless you are, Aquarius. You need to go out and get a gun if you don’t already have one, and use it to take whatever you want. The world owes you. And that bitch / bastard down the street deserves to die. Three digit: 333

February 19 - March 20
It looks like things won’t be going your way anytime soon, Pisces. Take some solace in the fact that pretty much the whole world is on a Hell Bound Train. Maybe they’ll let you be the engineer. Lucky numbers: 23023, 122324, 43445, 5566, 768, 09890


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