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May 19, 2006


March 21 - April 19
How’s it going, Aries? Feeling all alone? Well, join the club, mister / missy, the world is a cold, cruel place that gets colder and crueler by the minute. I have just two words for you: end it. Lucky number: .44 Magnum

April 20 - May 20
Nothing’s funnier than watching a Taurus get frustrated. You hold the shit inside until you just can’t take it anymore. Then...Look Out World! Go ahead and let it all out this week, Taurus. It may be the last chance you get. Lucky numbers: 929, 55, 25

May 21 - June 21
Nobody likes a smart ass, Gemini. Except me, of course. I have a sneaking admiration for your ability to piss people off with your overbearing personality. It’s a weakness of mine. What can I say? I’m fond of dickheads / cunts. Guaranteed lottery winner: 12, 14, 21, 29, 40, 41

June 22 - July 22
Cancer, it might be time to consider a change. Feelings of helplessness and responsibility have destroyed your sense of freedom. Well, get this: nothing’s more liberating than shedding your clothes, my friend, and I recommend you do it publicly. It will be spectacular if you get arrested. Make your own luck this week.

July 23 - August 22
Remember, Leo, it’s all about the kill ratio. An automatic weapon allows you to squeeze and keep firing even after your bullet-riddled body is convulsing while you die. Find an area with a lot of people (e.g. a mall), get into the middle of the crowd, stay low and fire in a circular pattern. I’m betting you can kill dozens before they take you down. Lucky number: 1

August 23 - September 22
Depression is a deep, dark hole, Virgo. Well, you need to get off your fat ass and exercise or something. Eating and drinking are not substitutes for happiness. So put down the Whopper and ride a bike. Lucky letters: O, u, t, F,a,T,t

September 23 - October 22
Being confused about your sexuality isn’t a crime. And even though it can be tough to deal with, it’s not the end of the world, either. Save some cash, Libra. Thailand has the best specialty surgeons in the world and they can put a penis / vagina where your vagina / penis is now. Bet on it. Also bet on red. Lucky number: eleventy-eleven

October 23 - November 21
It’s time to do something about your wife’s / husband’s cheating ways, Scorpio. Be creative. Poison is something we don’t hear enough about in the news these days. And you can get whatever you need at the local pharmacy or hardware store. I’m on you’re side. The cunt / prick deserves whatever she / he gets. And then some. No lucky numbers.

November 22 - December 21
Did you ever imagine as a kid that things would be as fucked up as they currently are? Well, I’m with you, Sagittarius. Let’s take a road trip and kill innocent people at random until we’re caught. Sounds like fun. Lucky numbers: 313, 248, 586. 734

December 22 - January 19
Finally things are looking up. After struggling for years, Capricorn, I see success in you future. The bad news? The future won’t really last all that long. Sorry.

January 20 - February 18
Close your eyes. Picture a beautiful sunset. A beach. Warm ocean breezes. Mmm, smell that fresh air? I hope you have a good imagination, Aquarius, because that’s as close to paradise as you’ll ever get. Open your eyes and get back to work! What? Am I paying you to daydream?! Get drunk and play your birthday in the lottery. Oh, and get used to being a loser.

February 19 - March 20
Keep your fingers crossed, Pisces, and maybe, just maybe things will take a turn for the better. Expect lots of bad new before they do, however. Death in the family and legal problems will keep you stressed until late in the year. Remember to keep you damn fingers crossed. What did I just tell you? Cross ‘em! Lucky number: 88888


things go better with suicide ;)
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