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May 27, 2006


20th Century Bomb: 1999

Magical Motown Memories

Hey, Musty, Toku, and I are sitting around guzzling Chocolate Rothkos and talking about highlights of the 20th century. Remember the summer of 1999 when the famous Three Tenors — you know, those fat opera dudes — came to good old Tiger Stadium to do a concert? We were there with Musty and it went a little something like this...

Tiger Stadium was magically transformed into the world’s largest crackhouse last week as internationally famous opera stars, the Three Tenors, came to party. More than 38,000 rich and beautiful swells smoked rocks and nodded, as the crack pack trio — Placido Domingo, Jose Carreras and Luciano Pavarotti — sang, smoked, and mugged to thunderous applause.

The very idea of opening with the RomanticsWhat I Like About You was a stroke of pure genius. Though Pavarotti is no Wally Palmar on the harmonica, the crowd showed their approval by packing their pipes and lighting up.

Drunk as a skunk Placido was a crowd favorite, handing out Bic lighters and cans of Stroh’s to the adoring throngs.

The three drunkards stumbled through their greatest hits, Moon River, O Sole Mio and other tunes we were too high to jot down, before bringing out Tino and Jeff from the Howling Diablos to help close the show with Devil with a Blue Dress.

If only for one splendid evening Motown became Cracktown — as the smell of hot dogs, and designer colognes mingled with a fluffy cloud of crack fumes and rose heavenward — an indelible memory forever etched in the psyche of Detroit’s crack smoking elite.

Since the entire security staff was pretty wasted, getting backstage was a breeze. A table sat in the middle of the dressing room, topped with chips, dips, pretzels, iced Stroh’s and of course, a basketball sized crack rock especially flown in from Philadelphia for the occasion.

The tenors were scattered about and winding down. Legendary Detroit columnist, Amanda Love, sat in Domingo’s lap, happily lighting and relighting the maestro’s pipe.

Pay-for-play gal Ginny “Baby Doll” Lovsitt and the rest of the Lady Bomb Escorts were a definite hit. Lucky bastard Jose Carreras disappeared with three of the girls to enjoy some crack in private.

Though the local print and radio media were blasted out of their skulls, it was the TV crew that puffed the most. All night they stood near the master rock, packing and lighting their pipes while taking turns video taping themselves getting high and goofing on the print and radio media.

It was truly a night to remember.

It was almost 9 a.m. when Luciano, Jose and Placido left the party, carried to their tour bus by huge bodyguards. The backstage area dwindled; a FOX 2 investigative reporter smoked the last rock.

The Lady Bomb staff went to meet friends at the Lafayette Coney Island. We ate Coney Islands and made Pavarotti fat jokes.

As we walked out, shook hands and said good-bye, the FOX 2 dude came up and asked if we had anymore crack. My secretary Simone tossed him a $20 rock and we all went home.

I slept for 20 hours, woke up and drank a pot of coffee. It felt good to be alive. I walked to the office. My secretary brought me more coffee.

"Simone," I said, "bring my pipe, rocks and lighter while I wish the readers a terrific holiday weekend.

Have a terrific holiday weekend. ... (MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)

A.) I'm barbecuing, how about you?
B.) Yep, b is coming by and we're doing the same.
C.) I'm going to Toronto.
A.) Sounds good, ay?
B.) Ha, ha, ha, Toronto's a great town.
C.) It really is, ha, ha, ha.


funny as fuck mutherfucker!
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