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May 31, 2006


Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

By the time they turn 50, two out of every three men suffer some form of baldness.

Me, I wear a hat.

But researchers in America and the U.K. claim they can grow hair on a bald mouse. It’s true — by mutating the rodent’s “baldness gene,” they can reverse the loss process and instead promote successful fur growth.

So hopefully someday in the near future, man will grow soft and fuzzy fur on his head. Not unlike a Chia Pet or a cute fuzzy bunny rabbit.

Truth of the matter is, my shiny brothers, most women don’t care about our hair or lack of it.

But you’d better have a sense of humor, lover boy. The ladies like it when you make 'em laugh.....(MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)

A.) I kill chicks with my Homer Simpson shtick.
B.) I kill chicks by doing my Christopher Walken impression.
C.) I kill chicks and then bury them in my back yard.




'Sick' fucked-up photo at fault...

Poor Marty Sherman. He sits in a cell with other evildoers.

The air smells of piss and blood and vomit from the thousands that have occupied the space before him.

Lyzako and the Lady Bomb staff try to unravel this strange tale in this unforgettable, in-depth, exclusive report.

Tokugawa Marinski Make Report:

Marty Sherman in Oakland County jail for showing picture on left. Police say it mean to squirrel after Sherman write story about many squirrel commiting suicide. Then PETA (you know who they are) make complaint and Mr. Sherman, a Hollywood legend / writer, have trouble begin.

Why they do that?

Musty Scribblins Reporting:

On the right is the original photo chosen to accompany Marty Sherman's in-depth report on the squirrel suicide dilemma facing our nation.

At the last minute, someone replaced the poignant phot0 with what police and PETA are calling an unusually serious affront to small animals ... in other words, cruelty.

Authorities are trying to determine who would do such a thing.




Marty Sherman’s

"Heeelp! Let me outta heeere!"

"Hey, get the fuck away from me man."

Holding cell in Oakland County is no fun. Am writing this on t.p. with burnt matches. Have to write. Record for blog. Note: Hitler wrote in jail.

"Listen, man, I said get the fuck away from me. Don’t you understand English?"

Peta can kiss ass. Didn’t kill squirrel, just used pic.

"Hey, when can I talk to my lawyer? Hey! Anybody! I need to talk to my lawyer!"

Fuckers. Must post bail. Must get out before Mem. Day wkend. Techno fest at Hart Plaza. Girls in trance from x and music. Dance. Drink. Smoke grass. X-Men movie opens.

"If you touch me one more time, man, I’m gonna kill you! I’m in for armed robbery you know! I wouldn’t think twice about fucking you up! I’m warning you! Hey, I NEED TO TALK TO MY LAWYER!!! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?!! HEY!!!!"

2 more matches. Need more dry t.p. Drunks in here too. 1 guy shit pants & smells awful. Puke smell, too.


"Hold it down in there, asshole. You’ll see your lawyer when I say so, got it? Now keep it down. Some of these people are trying to sleep."

Hate jail. Always have.

A.) I feel for the guy, I really do.
B.) Yeah, after all he didn’t kill the squirrel and the caption was funny.
C.) I have a pair of squirrel slippers with fuzzy tails on the back. They’re cute.



Kiefer Sutherland Climbs On Wagon, Falls Off Occasionally

Kiefer Sutherland, star of Fox Television’s hit drama 24, is putting his heavy drinking behind him. The actor acknowledges having a drinking problem and is working hard to mend family relationships and get his alcohol abuse under control.

Contact Music quotes Sutherland as saying: "I have a few drinks and I’m not worried about tomorrow and I’m not thinking about yesterday."

Reportedly Sutherland is going public with his problem to help curtail a popular drinking game that has grown around his successful 24 series. The show’s two-hour finale topped the ratings for Fox last Monday night with nearly 15 million viewers, and plans for a film based on the series are also currently in the works.

The drinking game, which has taken over Monday nights on numerous college campuses and is also popular in Japan, involves downing a shot each time Sutherland’s Jack Bauer character says the word "Now!" which happened 23 times in this season’s final episode.

The game, known variously as 24 Shots and Drink Jack Now, has been publicly condemned by University officials and MADD chapters across the country, but has been officially endorsed by DAMADD (Drunks Against Mothers Against Drunk Driving). (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) All this talk about drinking is making me thirsty.
B.) Me, too. Let’s knock off early and hit Happy Hour. Whaddya say, guys?
C.) I’ll meet you after I stop by the house and "punch" the old lady.


May 30, 2006


20th Century Bomb: 1953

Ban the
Playtex Living Bra!

Hey fellows, there’s a new monthly magazine where you can see a girl’s bazoombas in color. It’s called Playboy. A guy named Hugh Henfer in Chicago is the publisher and boyoboy - the “centerfolds” (middle of the magazine foldout of different girl showing her bazoombas every month) are beautiful young girls with their beautiful young bazoombas on parade.

Buy your copy now at your local drug store.

You’ll have to ask the druggist for the magazine as it’s behind the counter with the Kotex feminine napkins and Trojan prophylactics. ...(MUSTERVILLE SCRIBBLINS)

A.) Will read this item later — am shaking martinis right now.
B.) Looking at naked bazoombas is a sin. See you in Hell!
C.) Because of Playboy, my wiener is harder than Chinese math.



Men In Black To Multiply
Secret Service Announces
Recruiting Drive

The United States Secret Service has begun a recruitment push that they estimate will run throughout the remainder of President Bush’s term in the White House.

The reason?

"We’re having a heck of a time keeping up with ongoing investigations concerning threats to the President and Vice-President," said Secret Service spokesman Ralph E. Malff.

"It’s simply a matter of manpower."

The latest threat to the White House came from a 52-year-old resident of Garden City, Michigan who allegedly made a series of phone calls to Dick Cheney’s office during which he wished another heart attack on the Vice-President.

After a brief visit with the man last week, investigators left without making an arrest or filing charges.

"He had been wishing a heart attack on his mother-in-law for a number of years and she's still alive and well," said one of the agents assigned to the case. "He also wished a heart attack on me, and I checked out fine afterwards."

During questioning the man reportedly also wished heart attacks on Madonna, Sir Paul McCartney, Liberace and "that dancing guy from those eyeglass commercials."

Investigators say he was unaware that Liberace is already dead.

A.) I wish my brother George was here.
B.) You have a brother?
C.) He’s doing an impersonation of Liberace, stupid.



Marty Sherman is currently in an Oakland County jail cell (full story six posts down). Musty and Tokugawa are on assignment tracking the story. We will have a complete updated report when it becomes available.

Here's a letter the comedy legend recently received before his troubles began...

Dear Mr. Sherman,

You’re secretary told me you were too busy to take my calls and suggested I write you instead, so that’s what I’m doing.

Let me start off by saying I believe you are one of the Hollywood greats, I remember that Tom Jones show you wrote about recently in your wonderful blog, Lady Bomb Escorts, and like you, I think Sir Tom is one hell of a performer, if you excuse my French.

Speaking of French, I am a 63-year-old gay man writing from prison and I have an idea for a movie. I have been pitching it for many years but now that Brokeback Mountain was loved by many people I thought now would be a good time to try to have it produced again.

I also understand you are good friends with Pat Sajak. He has always been my favorite TV game host and I’m glad he doesn’t have a coarse prickly moustache like Alex Trebek.

My movie idea is this…it’s a serious drama. Two 2 guys are writing to each other--they’re married to one another, see? One is in prison because he shot another guy he caught his husband blowing, and eventually marrying after this jealous guy went to prison for shooting the other guy’s balls off.

Everyone in the film is gay -- so from here on I won’t have to mention it anymore.

Anyway, the shooter goes to prison…and the cheating husband ends up marrying the guy with no nuts. It’s a guilt thing. He can still do it, but has to use a pump, a really noisy pump, to get any action going.

Anyway, shooter dude hides in a dirty filthy laundry hamper for three days, when the laundry guy comes, wheels the hamper into the truck, and drives to Wichita, Kansas, which is coincidentally the place where the original guys fell in love and cheated and shot the guy’s nuts off…the scene of the crime if you will.

Long story short: The convict eventually sneaks into the house of his ex-husband and he puts poison into the pump bulb.. No nuts comes home from work and he wants to relax by masterbatin and starts to pump it up and have sex, he instead pumps himself with poison and dies.

Well, what do you think? Do we got a deal? Is this some kind of movie or what?

So truly yours,
Renaldo Vayquaz #47699
Wichita Penitentiary
Wichita, Kansas


Marty Sherman replies...

Hey, I’ll run this by my contacts at HBO and get back to you, Renaldo, but don’t hold your breath.

My first instinct is that Hollywood, even after Brokeback Mountain, isn’t exactly ready for this type of love story, but as Pat says to me time and time again, "What the fuck do you know, Marty?"

He means that in the best possible way, I might add. You gotta love the guy.

Anyway, the direct-to-video market is another option, and as a last resort, there’s always fetish porn.

Good luck and keep those letters coming...

Marty Sherman



spotlight on a funny bastard

Happy Birthday, Fucker

Fans of comedy know this man for his performances as David Letterman’s Fugitive Guy, or Chris Peterson on Get A Life, or as Bill Murray’s cameraman, Larry, in Groundhog Day.

You know the guy, right?

You're no square, of course you do.

Most of us remember Chris Elliot's fuckingly hilarious turn as Dom Woganowski and his pizza faced hives in There’s Something about Mary. The talented sonofabitch is industrial-strength funny in that flick.

Elliot, born in 1960, is best known as cabin boy Nathanial Mayweather in the Oscar-winning (Screenplay of the Year) 1994 epic, Cabin Boy.

A snippet of dialogue:

Nathaniel: I love sitting up here, looking at those bright, twinkly things in the sky, I forget their technical name...

Trina: Stars.

Nathaniel: Whatever...

A.) Letterman was in that flick, too - right?
B.) Ha, he played "Old Salt in Fishing Village," ha.
C.) Ha, ha, ha, Chris Elliot and David Letterman.
A.) Whew, what a weekend. I can't fake laughter like you two.
B.) Ha, you got that right - it's hard gettin' started today, ha
C.) Ha, ha, ha, we are professionals and con't you forget it.
A.) You mean, don't you forget it, don't you?
C.) Ha, ha, ha, shut the fuck up.
B.) Ha, it feels like a Monday, ha.


May 28, 2006


March 21 - April 19
Listen to those voices in your head this week, Aries. You know the ones. The ones that say "I was born to suffer," or "I’m never going to amount to anything." The voices are right. No lucky numbers.

April 20 - May 20
Since the past year has brought so many bad experiences it’s only natural to expect the worst every day. Well, Taurus, that’s not such an unhealthy thing in your case because there’s definitely more shit coming down this week. Alcohol will get you through it. Play the three digit at the party store: 4, 5, 9

May 21 - June 21
You’re employment outlook is bleak, Gemini. You’ve painted yourself into a corner where you are and it’s all downhill from here. The boss is onto your laziness and sloppy work habits. His / her boss also knows, and they’ve had some serious conversations about your future, which doesn’t include a severance package. Sorry. Lucky letters: M, A, R, V, I, N

June 22 - July 22
Knock. Knock. "Who’s there?" "Cancer." "Um, Cancer who? Go away!" That’s right, Cancer, the biopsy results are back and Big ‘C’ is in the house. Ironic, isn’t it? Cancer has cancer? Unfortunately, you just can’t tell it to go away. Good luck with that.

July 23 - August 22
Divorce isn’t the worst thing in the world. Half of America goes through at least one, Leo, and you were lucky to hold it together for as long as you did. Try not to imagine your ex sucking a new dick / eating a new pussy the way she / he did it to you when you first got married. But she / he is, and she / he seems to be enjoying it much more this time around. Lucky numbers: 6, 9, 69

August 23 - September 22
Bad news comes in the mail this week, Virgo. Remember that speeding ticket you got and never paid? Well, the DMV has caught up with you and your driving privileges have been revoked. My advice is to get a gun, go down there and show those punks a thing or two. They can’t treat you this way.

September 23 - October 22
A stolen car, a handgun, a bag of cash and a couple of pounds of weed are the keys to your future this week, Libra. If everything falls into place, you will be thumbing your nose at the God-forsaken wasteland you call home and heading for the West Coast. Unfortunately, it all ends in a fatal rollover accident after a high-speed chase.

October 23 - November 21
If I were you, Scorpio, I’d start packing now. Your little scheme has backfired and the cops are sniffing around, so you’d better plan on getting out of town while you can. By the way it was your sister / brother / cousin who ratted on you. Maybe you can catch a ride with Libra. Lucky numbers: 323, 232, 332, 233

November 22 - December 21
Okay, just for fun we’re going to pretend like everything is hunky-fucking-dory this week, Sagittarius. Live it up because it all ends soon. I see incarceration, cigarette burns and self-inflicted tattoos in your future. Lucky numbers: 2, 4, 24, 48

December 22 - January 19
Ah, sweet freedom. It’s time to hit the road, Capricorn. You’ve run through all your cash and it’s life on the dirty mean street for you, my friend. Just remember, you can still sell your body and get by. No lucky numbers this week.

January 20 - February 18
Right now your boyfriend / girlfriend is getting it on with somebody else. That’s right. At this very minute as you read this. How can I be so sure you ask? Well, Aquarius, it’s in the fucking stars, that’s how. If you don’t believe me, call his / her cell phone. I’ll bet he / she doesn’t pick up, because he / she’s getting LAID. Lucky animal: dolphin

February 19 - March 20
Eviction or foreclosure is in your future, Pisces. It won’t happen this week, but now’s the time to start planning for it. Make that dreaded call to Mom & Dad or Sis or whoever it is that’s always there to bail you out. They’ll say no this week, but keep trying. They might cave one more time. Lucky, lucky number: 7


May 27, 2006


20th Century Bomb: 1999

Magical Motown Memories

Hey, Musty, Toku, and I are sitting around guzzling Chocolate Rothkos and talking about highlights of the 20th century. Remember the summer of 1999 when the famous Three Tenors — you know, those fat opera dudes — came to good old Tiger Stadium to do a concert? We were there with Musty and it went a little something like this...

Tiger Stadium was magically transformed into the world’s largest crackhouse last week as internationally famous opera stars, the Three Tenors, came to party. More than 38,000 rich and beautiful swells smoked rocks and nodded, as the crack pack trio — Placido Domingo, Jose Carreras and Luciano Pavarotti — sang, smoked, and mugged to thunderous applause.

The very idea of opening with the RomanticsWhat I Like About You was a stroke of pure genius. Though Pavarotti is no Wally Palmar on the harmonica, the crowd showed their approval by packing their pipes and lighting up.

Drunk as a skunk Placido was a crowd favorite, handing out Bic lighters and cans of Stroh’s to the adoring throngs.

The three drunkards stumbled through their greatest hits, Moon River, O Sole Mio and other tunes we were too high to jot down, before bringing out Tino and Jeff from the Howling Diablos to help close the show with Devil with a Blue Dress.

If only for one splendid evening Motown became Cracktown — as the smell of hot dogs, and designer colognes mingled with a fluffy cloud of crack fumes and rose heavenward — an indelible memory forever etched in the psyche of Detroit’s crack smoking elite.

Since the entire security staff was pretty wasted, getting backstage was a breeze. A table sat in the middle of the dressing room, topped with chips, dips, pretzels, iced Stroh’s and of course, a basketball sized crack rock especially flown in from Philadelphia for the occasion.

The tenors were scattered about and winding down. Legendary Detroit columnist, Amanda Love, sat in Domingo’s lap, happily lighting and relighting the maestro’s pipe.

Pay-for-play gal Ginny “Baby Doll” Lovsitt and the rest of the Lady Bomb Escorts were a definite hit. Lucky bastard Jose Carreras disappeared with three of the girls to enjoy some crack in private.

Though the local print and radio media were blasted out of their skulls, it was the TV crew that puffed the most. All night they stood near the master rock, packing and lighting their pipes while taking turns video taping themselves getting high and goofing on the print and radio media.

It was truly a night to remember.

It was almost 9 a.m. when Luciano, Jose and Placido left the party, carried to their tour bus by huge bodyguards. The backstage area dwindled; a FOX 2 investigative reporter smoked the last rock.

The Lady Bomb staff went to meet friends at the Lafayette Coney Island. We ate Coney Islands and made Pavarotti fat jokes.

As we walked out, shook hands and said good-bye, the FOX 2 dude came up and asked if we had anymore crack. My secretary Simone tossed him a $20 rock and we all went home.

I slept for 20 hours, woke up and drank a pot of coffee. It felt good to be alive. I walked to the office. My secretary brought me more coffee.

"Simone," I said, "bring my pipe, rocks and lighter while I wish the readers a terrific holiday weekend.

Have a terrific holiday weekend. ... (MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)

A.) I'm barbecuing, how about you?
B.) Yep, b is coming by and we're doing the same.
C.) I'm going to Toronto.
A.) Sounds good, ay?
B.) Ha, ha, ha, Toronto's a great town.
C.) It really is, ha, ha, ha.


May 26, 2006


The Devil And Jimmy Hoffa
Satan’s Interview With Missing Teamster Sets Record Straight

Satan: First off, I guess I should ask how you’re doing?

Hoffa: I’m doing just fine, Satan. Thanks for asking.

S: Can you set us straight on the whole death thing? How did it happen?

H: I learned a good lesson there. Don’t trust NO body. My buddy, Frank popped me right behind my right ear with a .38. I never saw it coming. The prick was supposed to be watching my back. We had a few drinks one afternoon out in West Bloomfield and were on our way to a meeting with a couple of union guys. Frank drove me to the West side and we went into this house, but nobody was there. The place was kind of a dump. I shoulda smelled trouble from the get go, but it didn’t really hit me until we got inside. Hit me. Get it? Ha ha.

S: So, for the record then, you are dead, are you not?

H: As dead as a fuckin’ doornail, Satan.

S: You know they’re digging up a farm in Milford, Michigan trying to find your remains. Will they have any luck?

H: I can’t understand why anybody even gives a fuck about me anymore. Like it’s gonna do any good now. I mean, I’m fucked. I’m down here in Hell, people. Hell. Let it go. But to answer your question, I doubt they’ll find anything. I mean there’s probably bodies buried all over that son-of-a-bitch McMaster’s farm, but I’m not there. After Frank shot me, he put another slug in my head just to make sure, then he hightailed it. Some other guys who I didn’t know came in and cleaned up the mess. You can kinda see all this as your spirit leaves, know what I mean?

S: I do.

H: Anyway, these guys chopped off my head and hands and put them in a pillowcase with some goddamn bricks in it. Giacalone ordered the hit and they had to show him my head to prove I was dead. Once he was satisfied, they dropped the pillowcase into Lake St. Clair. It’s still on the bottom over there. The rest of my body was tossed into the trunk of a junker and crushed at a steel recycling center on the Southwest side. I was rein-CAR-nated. Ha ha ha. As a CAR. Get it? Ha ha.

S: You seem to have a good sense of humor about it.

H: What the fuck am I gonna do at this point, complain? It is what it is. Things could be worse. Anyway, that one always gets a few laughs down here. Nixon really likes that joke. The bastard laughs every time I tell it.

S: So then, do you have anything to say to the people out there looking for your remains?

H: Give it up for Christ’s sake! It’s been over thirty goddamn years! There’s nothing to find.

S: Anything else?

H: I was real proud of the movie about me with Jack Nicholson. He did a swell job. Not quite as handsome as I am, but a good actor. One of my favorites. And that little DeVito guy did a good job, too. You almost forgot he was a midget in that one.

S: He directed the movie, too, you know.

H: No shit. He’s a talented little prick, isn’t he? Is he dead yet?

S: Not yet.

H: Any chance he’ll go to Hell?

S: He’s an actor. What do you think?

H: Ha ha hah. What was I thinking? Ha ha ha. ... (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) Finally, now I can sleep at night.
B.) I wasn’t paying attention. Does this have anything to do with American Idol?

C.) I heard Jimmy used to beat his wife with a pipe wrench. And that’s when he was being nice.



It was bound to happen sooner than later. Show biz legend, friend to Pat Sajak, and now hitting the skids as a snarky pop cult beat writer for "fictional" online whorehouse Lady Bomb Escorts, Marty Sherman was handcuffed by cops and taken away after a midnight raid yesterday at the Bomb "offices" for posting a picture of a dying squirrel.

The offensive photo, part of a Sherman feature ("Suicides Claim Portion Of Squirrel Population" - four posts below), shows a poor cute little squirrel freezing to death...shaking...praying to his little squirrel god...and in one last tortured gasp, stuttering, "I'm"

Lyzako, Executive Publisher of Lady Bomb Ink, INC, while angry with Sherman came to the writer's defense.

"What the fuck? They're squirrels! I mean, I love animals as much as the next guy but what should we fucking do? Call Marty a witch and burn him at the stake in a pay-per-view show?"

Lyzako rubbed his chin, and stared off into space. Like a light bulb had been switched on.

PETA (People for Ethical Treatment to Animals) doesn't agree with Lyzako. Its spokesperson, Marcia Stent-Baylor is apalled: "Men like that Marty Sherman are disgusting," she said. "They sit in one-room apartments on wooden chairs in urine-stained boxer shorts watching pornography all the time and have absolutely no idea of the plight of the squirrel. These are extremely depressed animals"

Sherman has been charged with Animal Photo Cruelty and sits in an Oakland County jail where a judge has set his bail at a quarter-of-a-million dollars. ... (MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)

A.) Guy shouldn't make fun of squirrels.
B.) You're right - that's good eatin'.
C.) Oh yeah...deep-fried and smothered in hot sauce.



20th Century Bomb: 1957

Close Shave
for the Beaver!

Hey man, I wish I was Wally Cleaver and had friends like Eddie Haskell and Lumpy Rutherford from the television program Leave it to Beaver.

Eddie’s a smart aleck and Lumpy’s kind of dumb but they both seem like they’d be cool guys to know. I could really dig hanging around at the malt shop with those guys.

I love chocolate malts - but only when they're made with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup. If they use chocolate ice cream, it turns me off. Too much chocolate.

"Hey Lumpy, tell them to use vanilla ice cream in my choocolate malt," ha, ha, ha.

And you have to admit it — Ward and June Cleaver are always fair with Wally and the Beaver.

Well, I have to go. My favorite television show is on. ... (JOHNNIE KOLTRAIN)

A.) You’re right as usual. Now I'm gonna make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
B.) TV is for squares — I’m meeting the gang at the Drive-In, man.
C.) Mrs. Cleaver has perky bazoombas.


May 25, 2006



Leave it to Musty. He’s trying to drop a few pounds by switching from beer to cocktails, so he invented a good looking, great tasting drink with no carbohydrates or fat calories.

Calls it the “Chocolate Rothko.” After artist Mark Rothko.

Here goes…

1. Using the back of a tablespoon as a tool, spackle the inside walls of a squat 12 oz. dry cocktail glass with fresh raspberries. Mash them against there; don’t worry, they stick proper.

2. Chill them babies in the freezer for ten minutes and then bring them in from the cold. Fill with ice cubes (cubes only).

3. Add 2 ounces of Bacardi light rum.

4. Splash modestly with Diet Faygo Chocolate Cream Pie Soda.

5. Stir gently. Drink.

A.) Raspberries are rich in vitamin C and fiber.
B.) Why, it tastes like a chocolate covered cherry, yum.
C.) I’ve only had 10 of them — and I’m pretty fucked up.



Beam Up My Checkbook, Scottie!
Auction House
To Auction
‘Star Trek’ Stuff
Trekkies Line Up To Spend Hard-Earned Cash On Phasers, Quatloos

New York City will be the gathering place for wealthy Trekkies from all over the world this October when a sale of rare Star Trek memorabilia takes place at famed auction house Christie’s.

Props from the original TV show along with later television spinoffs including Deep Space Nine, Enterprise and Star Trek: The Next Generation, will be offered, and pre-sale estimates project that the auction could bring in upwards of $3 million. Experts were quick to add that actual sales could be much higher, citing what one Christie’s spokesman calls "the geek factor."

In addition to stuff from Star Trek-related television shows, the auction will also feature memorabilia from the series of movies that were based on the 1960's sci-fi adventure show created by Gene Roddenberry.

New York native and rapper Jay-Z, one famous Trekkie who just recently went public with his passion for all things Trek-related, is expected to be a big bidder. The famously wealthy boyfriend of singer Beyonce reportedly already has a large collection, but will be looking to add some "key pieces," like a coveted science officer uniform which was worn by Leonard Nimoy in the original series.

Friends of the rapper, who’s real name is Sean Carter, say that behind closed doors the famous couple often plays fantasy games, with Beyonce dressing up as female characters from different episodes of the show and Carter playing Captain Kirk. ... (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) Live long and prosper, dorks.
B.) I bid one thousand quatloos for the quatloos!
C.) Check it out. My phaser’s set on ‘fuck’!



Suicides Claim Portion
Of Squirrel Population
University Study Exposes Intelligence And More In Rodents

A new study at Harvard University Veterinary School has determined that the North American squirrel is one of the most intelligent mammals on earth.

And it doesn’t matter if the little critter is red, black or gray.

"We tested the subjects thoroughly," said a professor involved in the ground-breaking study, "and each variety passed with flying colors. We found that all squirrels were capable of very advanced forms of thought, not dissimilar to human thinking."

The tests found that the tree-dwelling rodents were quicker to learn simple tasks than any other domestic pet, including dogs.

"Squirrels can be seen to cross busy city streets within crosswalks and with the light," stated the report.

But what of those that we see flattened in the street? How smart are they?

"The study also turned up something very surprising," said a researcher. "The greater an animal’s intelligence, the greater it’s capacity for emotion. In other words, squirrels have genuine feelings...of joy, love, happiness and unfortunately, of depression. The vast majority of the squirrels you see dead in the road have thrown themselves in front of cars because they no longer wish to live."

The study also found that each variety of squirrel was extremely intolerant of squirrels of a different color, preferring to keep within small populations of the same variety.

"You could almost say that they were racist." ... (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) Is a dead squirrel supposed to be funny? I don’t get it.
B.) Dead skunk. Now that’s funny. In the middle of the road.
C.) Stinkin’ to High Heaven! Yeeeeeee-haaaaahhhhh!!!



20th Century Bomb: 1952

Invisible Guy
at Beach
Even the caption is invisible

Last week at the club, Vincent Cantsworth told me he had the pleasure of reading Ralph Ellison’s new novel, The Invisible Man.

Why, that's insane, I yelled at Cantsworth, there surely could never be such a thing, could there?

He nodded and smiled. He assured me it's quite a compelling read.

I may learn something, he added.

Whilst I'm sure it shall hardly be frightening, perhaps I too will read it - as a story about a man with the power of invisibility intrigues me. I've quite enjoyed yarns of vampires, wolfmen, Frankenstein monsters and such before, so a chap that cannot be seen should be at least as entertaining.

Yes, if Cantsworth says it is worth my while, then I shall read it. I have decided.

But first, I shall loosen my tie, relax, and have Rosco mix me a martini.

Then I will send him to the bookstore for a copy of that book. Ha, an invisible man, indeed - ha.

Now where in the he** is Rosco?

Rosco! Rosco, come here...fix me a cocktail! Then I need you to run an errand!

Rosco! Rosco!

Where in the he** is he? ... (SALVADORE BENSEN)

A.) If I was invisible, I’d be at school in the girls’ locker room.
B.) Me too, with my pants around my ankles.
C.) Sure hope the d**n Commies don’t bomb us.


May 24, 2006


Hello? Hell-ooo?
Is This THE Mariah Carey?
New Pepsi/Motorola Ringtone Download Promo Goes Overboard

In a new marketing campaign which is just too complicated to figure out, Pepsi and Motorola are offering a series of ringtones available for download to your cellular phone as a way of promoting their respective products.

The original songs will be written and performed by a number of recording artists including pop diva Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige and The All-American Rejects. The ringtones, all penned specifically for the promotion, will be no longer than 40 seconds in duration and will be available as prizes.

According to a press release, one in three Pepsi product caps will contain a code which is good for a free download at the Pepsi Ring Tones site.

For completists, that will mean down(load)ing over 400 soft drinks in order to get all of the tunes into your phone. Pepsi is planning somewhere around 800,000,000 units with the special caps as part of the promotion.

A.) So let’s see...Drink Pepsi. Then drink more Pepsi. Then one more Pepsi. God, I’m full.
B.) Download free Mariah Carey song. Wait for phone to ring.
C.) Then what? Shoot myself?



Soul Patrol 53.7% Kat Pack 46.3%

In what turned out to be no surprise, Alabama’s Taylor Hicks has been voted your American Idol.

In what turned out to be the largest watched TV show of all time, after being announced as the winner, Hicks fell to his knees and borrowing from another rock great, Little Richard, testified "A wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom."

In what turned out to make the silver-haired singer look like Tutti Fruitti himself - an excited Hicks impulsively gave host Ryan Seacrest a long lingering kiss, somewhat reminiscent of the touching scene between parting lovers at Casablanca’s end.

In what turned out to be a fitting finale to this successful season, a rich-beyond-his-wildest-fucking-dreams-because-of-American Idol Simon Cowell took fellow judge Paula Abdul into his arms onstage and grabbed her ass proper.

A.) Wow, what a season!
B.) The best ever!
C.) Taylor Hicks is the new Joe Cocker!
A.) Seriously though - Hicks takes it tonight, right?
B.) Oh sure, it's a lock.
C.) Not the best singer, though.
A.) Nope. He's no Ruben Studderd...Studdard?
B.) The big fat guy?
A.) Yeah, him.
C.) Ha, ha, ha.
A.) Taylor Hicks should sound teriffic in the recording studio.
B.) Oh sure, they have computers to guarantee that.
C.) I remember when you had to have talent to cut great tracks.
A.) Really, Grampa? Ha, ha, ha.
B.) Ha, ha, ha.
C.) Ha, ha, ha.


May 23, 2006


2oth Century Bomb: 1951

It's a totally crazy new scene!
New Kicks for Hep Teenagers!
Movie Theatres? Squaresville, Man...

DETROIT, Mi...After hitting the books all day, and then having dinner with Mom and Dad, we like to go out and have fun — and fun is what we have at the new Bel-Air Drive-In Theatre on 8 Mile Road just east of Van Dyke.

They don't call us the Motor City for nothing, you know.

What is is? It's cool as heck is what it is. Better than a regular movie theatre, at the Drive-In you park your car in a huge parking lot with a thousand other cars and watch your favorite motion picture on a gigantic screen.

You also get to use a personal hi-fi speaker that hangs on your inside window and in the winter they have portable heaters. You can dress as you like and even smoke cigarettes in the privacy of your own vehicle.

They also have restrooms and a refreshment stand with hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza and Cokes.

It's almost like having your own pad - except with the latest Hollywood movies! ... (MUSTERVILLE SCRIBBLINS)

A) Wow, I get paid on Friday; I’m going to the Drive-in!
B.) I saw a Dean Lewis/Jerry Martin movie at the Drive-in!
C.) I got my girlfriend pregnant at the Drive-in!



Elvis Presley’s Ghost Haunts Uri Geller
Psychic Buys Historic Home To Appease Spirit, Make A Few Bucks

Under guidance from the spirit of Elvis Presley, psychic Uri Geller and his two business partners have just purchased a home formerly owned by The King Of Rock ‘N’ Roll.

The four-bedroom house in Tennessee was purchased in 1956 by Elvis for his parents just a year before they moved to the more famous Graceland, which was recently purchased from the Presley family by billionaire media mogul and owner of American Idol, Robert Sillerman.

Geller, who met The King in Vegas in the 1970's, reports that the spirit of Elvis visited him regularly to make sure that he "take care of Momma’s house. He always made me feel as though it was something very special to both him and to his mother, who was also with him."

Elvis’ mother Gladys reportedly didn’t want to move from the home and never got used to living at Graceland.

Geller’s plans for the home, which was purchased in an on-line auction for a little less than a million dollars on eBay, is restoration, and then opening it to the public.

"This is a piece of history," said the psychic, who is famous for bending spoons with his mind. Geller went on to say, "I felt intuitively I got the price. Suddenly the radio started playing an Elvis song. That was Elvis telling me we got the house."

Geller also reported that Elvis "was really pissed about the American Idol Elvis Night this year and wanted to make damn sure that cocksucker American Idol guy didn’t get ahold of Momma’s house, too."

Museum Admission: $20 adults - $10 students & seniors - Kids 12 & under $6.50 ... (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) You know, I don’t even care.
B.) Me neither. Elvis has so left the building for me.
C.) I wonder who would win in a fight...Uri Geller or David Blaine?



LadyBomb Exclusive! You Heard It Here First...

Angelina Jolie’s Water Almost Breaks!
Harassing Photographers Harassed By Namibian Govt. Says Namibian Human Rights Group

A photographer trying to get the million-dollar shot of Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s newborn baby was arrested Friday after attempting to sneak into the hospital where the couple plans to give birth.

John Liebenberg, who hails from South Africa, was pinched for trespassing, bringing more international attention to the Namibian government’s over-zealous police work surrounding the Hollywood couple, and drawing criticism from Namibia’s own National Society of Human Rights.

The NSHR is calling for Namibia to reverse its decision to arrest and deport photographers who have entered the country to follow the famous couple, both of whom also work actively for human rights.

Reportedly, the Namibian government has issued a statement that in effect says "no way", and vows to keep guard over the Jolie-Pitt’s privacy "by any means necessary, including beatings, stabbings, shootings, hangings and in the most extreme cases, death by unga bunga."

The Jolie-Pitts were unavailable for comment. ... (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) I’ve been unga-bunga’ed. That’s some seriously painful shit.
B.) Only if you’re on the receiving end.
C.) Yeah, it’s actually kinda fun if you’re doing the unga-bunga’ing.




Church leaders mad at rock star Bo Bice from American Idol because he make fun of Jesus Christ on cross in his live rocking show.

In Los Angeles on opening night of Bo tour, while Bice sing hit power ballad Chick, I’m the Dude for You, he climb on cross made of wire milk crates with twinkling lights behind and look like he hang there. He not really hang but it look like it.

In reality, he standing on little floors that are built on cross. It made especially for concert by special horror make-up artist Tom Savini.

"Why would someone with so much talent seem to feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?" said the Church of England in a statement.

What? What he mean?

Other highlight of show include Bo ask girls to show chests – which make him smile very much - then he shake and slap hand with fans, jump up and down on amplifier, and set guitar on fire before he smash it on stage. He also give out guitar pick to people that say Bo Rocks! on them. How cool it would be to have one.

But hotbed of controversy remain Bice hanging on cheap cross.

David Muir of the Evangelical Alliance also accuse singer of "blatant insensitivity."

"Madonna's use of Christian imagery is an abuse and it is dangerous," he say.

Madonna? No, it Bo Bice. Wait…Toku check notes.

Uh, oh.

Oop, ha, ha, ha, I sorry.

Tokugawa make big mistake and very sorry – it not Bo Bice, it Madonna who get crucified.

She crazy lady.

Toku crazy, too. Big sorry to Bice fan...Toku fan too. ... (TOKUGAWA MARINSKI)

A.) Madonna? Ha, ha, ha. She's wacky.
B.) Christ, she'll do anything for press.
C.) She'd probably murder a back-up dancer onstage.
A.) She did that in 1986.
B.) Puke on the front row?
A.) The '95 tour.
C.) Recreate Sharon Stone's famous Basic Instinct scene?
A.) She does that in interviews.
B.) Bang Bo Bice?
A.) Now let's not get stupid.


May 22, 2006


And In This Corner...
Axl Rose Vs. Tommy Hilfiger
Celebrity Bar ‘Fight’ Leaves Rocker's Arm Bruised, Designer Exits In 'Huff'

NEW YORK, May 22...A slap boxing match erupted at The Plumm in Manhattan last Thursday night between washed up rocker Axl Rose and designer creampuff Tommy Hilfiger.

The Guns ‘N’ Roses frontman claimed to be moving the drink of Hilfiger’s girlfriend in order not to spill it, but insiders say that he was "definitely interested in moving more than her drink."

Fed up with Rose’s advances, Hilfiger decided to take matters into the palm of his own hands and gave Rose what was described as "such a vicious smack" to the arm.

And that wasn’t the end of it.

"He just kept smacking me," said the bewildered singer.

"It was like Gunfight at the Oh Fay Corral," joked Kid Rock, who witnessed the thrashing.

"It was fuckin’ hilarious!"

The club, which was hosting a birthday party for Rent star Rosario Dawson, was packed with celebrities at the time, including Mickey Rourke, Lenny Kravitz, Saturday Night Live’s Molly Simms and record producer Damon Dash.

Rose, who performed as part of the evening’s entertainment, reportedly dedicated You’re Crazy, a song from Guns ‘N’ Roses’ 1987 debut LP Appetite For Destruction, to Hilfiger. ... (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) Attaboy, Tommy kid! Give it to him good!
B.) Attaboy, Axl baby! Give it to Tommy’s girlfriend good!
C.) I’d like to give it to Rosario Dawson. Real good. And real hard.



20th Century Bomb: 1950

No, this is not 'art'...
This world is going to Heck...

NEW YORK CITY (1950)...Perhaps now we’ve seen it all: An artist in New York City, Jackson Pollock, has the unmitigated gall to pour, drip, and fling paint onto a canvas and then sell it to mopes and swells for big bucks under the guise of “modern art.”

"Why, this is simply disgusting," pontificated Sidney Braunshire, a gallery owner on Fifth Avenue. "My pet chimpanzee, Puffy
, can paint better than that and he's retarded. It’s nothing more than 'modern c**p' — you hear me? And because there are suckers who know nothing of art, of course Pollock's works command big dollars."

A ten-by-twenty foot Pollock goes for upwards of $75.

Mr. Braunshire, exasperated and spent, walked to a large mirror where he combed his hair.

"Modern c**p," he muttered one last time. ... (MUSTERVILLE SCRIBBLINS)

A) What a g****m moron. Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, sir.
B) I fought in WWII. It’s a dirty shame this country is going to He**.
C) I’m going to poop on a canvas and sell it.



Fat Joe Gives Shout Out To Paris Hilton
Skinny Pete, Dirty John, Swollen Mike and Stupid-Dope Sam Refuse Comment

In a radio interview in NYC, rapper Fat Joe boasted that Paris Hilton’s upcoming CD, which features a guest appearance by the overweight hip-hopper, will be "phenomenal."

He went on to add that Paris is a "phenomenal" singer and a "phenomenal" person who performs "phenomenally," and that music fans can expect the first "phenomenal" single, Jealousy, to take aim at Hilton’s ex-best friend and "phenomenal" co-star of The Simple Life, Nicole Ritchie."

Fat Joe, who’s crew is known as the Terror Squad, also confessed that he thinks Nicole’s pop, Lionel Ritchie is "phenomenal."... (MARTY SHERMAN))

A.) Does the dude even know what phenomenal means?
B.) Phenomenal means phat, right?
C.) And phat is good? I need a drink. Is it noon yet?



No Picnic Without Mayo

Whitman Mayo would have been 76-years-old today but it wasn’t meant to be. He passed in 2001 at age 71.

Mayo (no relation to the condiment) played Grady Wilson alongside comedy legend Redd Foxx in the 1970s TV series Sanford & Son.

Damn, that Mayo was one good actor. Oh, the whole cast was terrific - Fred, Bubba, and Aunt Esther, of course - but Grady was our favorite. His walk and talk were slow but sure; and he always made sense even when Lamont and his snarky pal, Rollo, would try to give everybody shit and all Fred could do was piss and moan and clutch his heart looking Heavenward to announce to his beloved ‘Lizbeth that he was comin’ to see her, darlin’.

Come to think of it, maybe Bubba was our favorite – maybe not, it’s Monday and we’re fuzzy – but when he played the old bluesman, Blind Blahblahblah (Monday, fuzzy), it cracked us up like there’s no tomorrow.

“I want my daddy’s records,” Blind Blahblahblah drawled. Ha, ha, ha…really funny stuff. Well, maybe we’ll change our minds up the road but for now we’re going on record: Whitman Mayo is the best.

Birthplace: New York. Cause of Death: Heart Attack. ... (MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)

A.) Mayo did a lot of TV work also.
B.) Sure did…from Diff’rent Strokes to ER.
A.) A talented funny man.
B.) Hey, where’s C?
A.) Late as usual.
B.) Oh, here comes mister big shot.
C.) What’s up, letters?
A.) You’re late again, dipshit.
B.) We’re commenting on the late great Whitman Mayo.
C.) No, Hellmann’s Mayo is by far the best!
A.) Mr. Scribblins did a condiment joke at the top, dipshit.
C.) Oops, sorry.
B.) Remember: I invented the alarm clock for dolts like you.
C.) Guess I’d better chug some coffee.


May 19, 2006


March 21 - April 19
How’s it going, Aries? Feeling all alone? Well, join the club, mister / missy, the world is a cold, cruel place that gets colder and crueler by the minute. I have just two words for you: end it. Lucky number: .44 Magnum

April 20 - May 20
Nothing’s funnier than watching a Taurus get frustrated. You hold the shit inside until you just can’t take it anymore. Then...Look Out World! Go ahead and let it all out this week, Taurus. It may be the last chance you get. Lucky numbers: 929, 55, 25

May 21 - June 21
Nobody likes a smart ass, Gemini. Except me, of course. I have a sneaking admiration for your ability to piss people off with your overbearing personality. It’s a weakness of mine. What can I say? I’m fond of dickheads / cunts. Guaranteed lottery winner: 12, 14, 21, 29, 40, 41

June 22 - July 22
Cancer, it might be time to consider a change. Feelings of helplessness and responsibility have destroyed your sense of freedom. Well, get this: nothing’s more liberating than shedding your clothes, my friend, and I recommend you do it publicly. It will be spectacular if you get arrested. Make your own luck this week.

July 23 - August 22
Remember, Leo, it’s all about the kill ratio. An automatic weapon allows you to squeeze and keep firing even after your bullet-riddled body is convulsing while you die. Find an area with a lot of people (e.g. a mall), get into the middle of the crowd, stay low and fire in a circular pattern. I’m betting you can kill dozens before they take you down. Lucky number: 1

August 23 - September 22
Depression is a deep, dark hole, Virgo. Well, you need to get off your fat ass and exercise or something. Eating and drinking are not substitutes for happiness. So put down the Whopper and ride a bike. Lucky letters: O, u, t, F,a,T,t

September 23 - October 22
Being confused about your sexuality isn’t a crime. And even though it can be tough to deal with, it’s not the end of the world, either. Save some cash, Libra. Thailand has the best specialty surgeons in the world and they can put a penis / vagina where your vagina / penis is now. Bet on it. Also bet on red. Lucky number: eleventy-eleven

October 23 - November 21
It’s time to do something about your wife’s / husband’s cheating ways, Scorpio. Be creative. Poison is something we don’t hear enough about in the news these days. And you can get whatever you need at the local pharmacy or hardware store. I’m on you’re side. The cunt / prick deserves whatever she / he gets. And then some. No lucky numbers.

November 22 - December 21
Did you ever imagine as a kid that things would be as fucked up as they currently are? Well, I’m with you, Sagittarius. Let’s take a road trip and kill innocent people at random until we’re caught. Sounds like fun. Lucky numbers: 313, 248, 586. 734

December 22 - January 19
Finally things are looking up. After struggling for years, Capricorn, I see success in you future. The bad news? The future won’t really last all that long. Sorry.

January 20 - February 18
Close your eyes. Picture a beautiful sunset. A beach. Warm ocean breezes. Mmm, smell that fresh air? I hope you have a good imagination, Aquarius, because that’s as close to paradise as you’ll ever get. Open your eyes and get back to work! What? Am I paying you to daydream?! Get drunk and play your birthday in the lottery. Oh, and get used to being a loser.

February 19 - March 20
Keep your fingers crossed, Pisces, and maybe, just maybe things will take a turn for the better. Expect lots of bad new before they do, however. Death in the family and legal problems will keep you stressed until late in the year. Remember to keep you damn fingers crossed. What did I just tell you? Cross ‘em! Lucky number: 88888



This week we write about your favorite star like Paris Hilton, Keith Richard, Lindsay Lohan, and even glamrocker NY Dolls.

Toku love popular culture - it exciting and fun.

Come on - let us not waste is my report

Ron Howard not happy camper. His movie, The Da Vinci Cold get many bad review but he say they wrong. "This sounds a little 'hucksterish', but people really respond to the movie better the second time than they do the first time," he say to Toku. What “hucksterish” mean? Sound like name for monster in Godzilla movie: “Godzilla, help us, help us…Hucksterish coming to destroy Nagasaki. Hurry!” Ha, ha, ha, Toku joking.

Paris Hilton
and Lindsay Lohan hate each other. Why? Who know? Maybe because public like it when celebrity hate each other. TV actor Brandon Davis throw wood in fire and make horrible, horrible comment about Lohan vagina while walking with Paris from nightclub. Paparazzi make movie of it. We do not know who Brendan is, but he fucking asshole in this videotape at

This what Toku hate about certain celebrity, they asshole sniffing cocaine and talking like they so important while rubbing the nose from cocaine. Brandon a asshole big time. Toku hope he get in car accident for being so mean. Fuck you, prick.

Jo Wood
say Keith Richard almost healthy to tour with Rolling Stones again. Who she? Jo Wood is Stone guitarist Ronnie Wood wife. Jo must be short version of Joanne – Toku not sure. This good news for fan of Stones and Richard. Hope it true and not spin of band manager.

Tokugawa love 70s glam rock and no one better than New York Dolls. They have new CD One Day It Will Please Us To Remember Even This. coming out on Road Runner records and label put out two new songs froma album including first single, Dance Like A Monkey. I listen to it, it sound great. Many Dolls are dead but David Johansen and Sylvain Sylvain still rocking.

Speaking of classic rock, The New Cars tour with Blondie all summer. They “new” because Ric Ocasek not sing with them – it Todd Rundgren. You can see them rock over here, it sound good to me.


People still shaking head that Paul MacCarthy from the Beatles did not have pre nup agreement with second wife Heather. It unbelievable. How can man like that with so much money not make decision like that? He smoke too much weed they say. Cloud brain. Heather and Syr Paul say it amicable but Toku not think so. But it will be no problem because Ex-Wing (it true) Paul like to keep everything quiet and mellow. And what wrong with that? I like to know. Cause here I go agaaaaaaaaain...

I love you readers.

I am Toku.

A.) Long frikkin week.
B.) You got that right.
C.) ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....



Like Most Women...
Jerry Hall Loves Her Damn Shoes
Designer Shoe Collection Spotlights Manolo Blahniks

What do you collect? Ceramic owls, maybe? Beer cans? Movie memorabilia? Or how about comic books? I bet a lot of you guys collect comics.

Well, Jerry Hall collects shoes by Spanish designer Manolo Blahniks.

The former squeeze of Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger admits that she has a weakness for the designer footwear, sometimes paying more than $1,800 for a single pair, and that her collection includes more than 300 pairs of Manolos alone, worth over a quarter of a million dollars.

Although the Texas-born model says that she "didn’t buy all of them - some were presents, some were freebies," she does acknowledge buying "most of them."

The 6' tall Hall wears her size 14 Manolos everywhere, and according to neighbors often sports the fabulous footwear even when gardening.

"They’re the most comfortable shoes to wear no matter what I’m doing," said Hall. "They’re like wearing slippers made of clouds."... (MARTY SHERMAN)

A.) I never heard of Manolo.
B.) Yeah you did. He wrote the songs that made the whole goddamn world sing.
C.) Size 14? Those aren’t shoes, they’re canoes!



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