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April 28, 2006


Sal "The Seer" Bensen's

March 21 - April 19
Face it, Aries. You’re an absolute asshole. Everybody’s tired of your bullshit, and they’re not buying it anymore. This is your week to shut the fuck up and listen. Or else. Lucky numbers: 11, 15, 17, 24, 102, 994

April 20 - May 20
It’s the moment of truth. Time to pay for all that shit you’ve pulled for last week, Taurus. Drink heavily and maybe you won’t remember how bad it gets. Cuz it’s gonna get bad.

May 21 - June 21
Fat chance. He / she’s gone and you’re better off without the bastard / bitch. He / she can kiss your ass, AND suck / lick your cock / cunt. You have my official approval, my Gemini friend.

June 22 - July 22
How fucked are you, Cancer? I told you last week to leave the dope alone, but could you listen? No. Now you’re sorry. Well, too late, dipshit. Karma is real.

July 23 - August 22
How fucked are you, Leo? I told you last week to leave the dope alone, but could you listen? No. Now you’re sorry. Well, too late, dipshit. Karma is real. Why can’t you and Cancer be more like Gemini? Lucky numbers: 4,5,6,7,8,9,10

August 23 - September 22
Thinking of suicide? Stop at the bar on the way home and have one more drink than you think you should. Pick up a forty and pull straight into the garage. Make sure the garage door is closed. Leave the engine running, Virgo. Are you with me? Drink until you pass out.

September 23 - October 22
Whats’s the big deal, Libra? Will one more week of pathetic non-recognition kill you? Sad though things are, get used to it. Unless you change into a happy, energetic successful person by the weekend, you’ll spend it alone. And we both know that won’t happen.

October 23 - November 21
Remember the neighbor’s dog? The one that barked all night? The one that you poisoned, Scorpio? Well, the neighbor knows you did it. And he’s got big plans. So watch your ass. Lucky numbers: 43, 661, 664

November 22 - December 21
No matter what we do, we’re gonna die sooner or later. Everybody knows that. You, on the other hand, have a very good chance to go this week. Make sure your affairs are in order, Sagittarius.

December 22 - January 19
Capricorn, Capricorn, Capricorn. How many times do you have to hear that it’s over? Go forward with your plan to wash dishes as a career. Downsizing is here to stay and you may as well get used to a lower standard of living.

January 20 - February 18
If shit was gold, you’d be rich by now, Aquarius. But it’s not. Remember when Daddy said the world wasn’t always fair? Well, he wasn’t pulling your leg. No lucky numbers this week.

February 19 - March 20
Hey, Pisces, that lump you felt in your breast / scrotum is cancer. Not something that you imagined that wasn’t there the last time you checked. It’s growing. I know. You’re so young. It can’t happen to you. Well, it has. You’ll be going to a better place.


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