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April 07, 2006

 

marty sherman:
ME AND MISTER JONES...
A Rambling Account of Tom Jones in Vegas, Showgirls, Knighthood and More...

Hats off and congrats to that handsome Welsh warbler and good buddy of mine Tom Jones for his recently awarded knighthood. He now ranks right up there on my top four all-time favorite knights list along with Sirs Paul, Tipsy and Galahad. Cheers, mate!

I met Tom on his first U.S. tour back in ‘65 or so, and quickly schmoozed my way into his entourage. I probably saw every live show he did after that...from London to Tokyo to Vegas.

He always had a crack band and the man was spot on every performance. Women were tossing panties and dropping like flies every show.

Tom recorded many of those shows from the ‘60s, and I helped set up the mics for all of them. And yes, he did swipe my then-girlfriend Maxine after the show at The Talk Of The Town, but I’ve already had my say on that incident and I really don’t want to talk about it.

It was a magical night up until that point. I will say that.

My favorite live Tom Jones LP was the one that we recorded at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas in ‘71. You know, the one with the picture of Tom in a toga surrounded by beautiful women on the cover? Well, it wasn’t such an exaggeration of the truth.

She’s A Lady was Tom’s million seller at the time and the ladies were there for the taking. The atmosphere in Tom’s dressing room was very much like a Roman orgy...Tom had this big chair (just a big padded chair, but he insisted that we call it a throne) and there were so many half-naked off-duty showgirls that you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting one.

I remember one night after a three encore late show coming in and seeing Tom in his "throne" flanked by a bevy of beauties in various stages of undress. There were blondes, brunettes and redheads, both white and black. A gorgeous, extremely young-looking Asian babe on hands and knees in front of him was acting as his personal ottoman. I had just sent out for more drinks and the crowd, including Tom, was getting thirsty.

"Where’s my goddamn champagne?" he asked.

When I explained that there was more on the way he mumbled something, grabbed one of the brunettes by the hand and the two of them disappeared into the bathroom. I just smiled and worked the girls that were left, making sure that the alcohol kept pouring while eagerly awaiting my usual sloppy seconds.

I will say this, too...that Asian chick was one comfortable foot rest.

Ten minutes later Tom came out and I got up to take my turn but he shook his head and told me to call a doctor. Guess what. He split the girl wide open.

Even though I never saw it, Tom’s "little buddy" had long been rumored to be one of the most monstrous in showbiz. Evidence that it was more than a rumor presented itself that night in the form of four stitches to the vaginal area of that poor young showgirl, who never was able to dance again.

Her name? Well, let’s just say you know her as Elvira, Mistress of the Night.


A.) And that, my friends is the rest of the story.
B.) If Tom Jones got in a fight with Elvis, who would win?
C.) Elvis knew karate. I think he’d win.






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