##Marty Sherman Kills Audience!
Stand-Up Not a 'Routine' for Sajak Pal
Did you see where this guy in Oregon shot himself in the head with a nail gun?
Twelve times. And he’s fine.
Turns out he was high on crystal meth when he did it and he was trying to commit suicide. How bad is that?Pakow! Pakow! Pakow!
Hmmm. Nothing.Pakow! Pakow! Pakow!
Let’s try the other side...Pakow! Pakow! Pakow
I mean, why stop at twelve? Was that all the nails he had? Was it too much of a hassle to reload? Why not put one right into your eye?
Doctors said he came to the hospital complaining of a headache.
Yeah, I guess...
The article I read also said the surgeons removed the nails with needlenose pliers and a drill.
Who were these surgeons anyway, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard?
Hey, if it’s ever offered - maybe you ought to pass on that crystal meth.
I saw where Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt said that they know their unborn baby’s gender, but it really didn’t matter to them whether they have a boy or a girl...
They figure if what they have doesn’t work out, they can always trade it in for four or five poor Asian kids.
Speaking of Asians...Did you hear about this? They had a fashion week in Australia and part of the show was this Chinese body painting.
The models are nude except for a g-string, right? And they have these beautiful designs painted on them that looks like they’re wearing tight-fitting Chinese outfits...
Yeah, it’s called Qi Pao
...sounds kinda like Ka-Pow
, doesn’t it?
Kinda like a backwards nail gun, eh?
Anyway, they say it took a team of 42 makeup artists 12 hours to paint 14 models. Now, get this...Kirstie Alley is thinking of having an outfit painted on. No, no, I’m not kidding...
They think it will take the same team of makeup artists twice as long.
Say, how about those gas prices? Through the roof aren’t they? And I saw where energy analysts - how do you get a job
like that anyway? Energy analyst
- they say that $5 a gallon gas could be in our near future. Yeah.
Meanwhile, the major oil companies are expected to post record profits again. Exxon-Mobil, Chevron and ConocoPhillips will clear more than $16 billion for the first quarter alone.
That’s right, folks. Billion.
With a B
Just to give you an idea of how much money that is...Tom Cruise only made a half a billion for starring in this new Mission Impossible. And he’s Tom Cruise.
Don’t worry, though. President Bush has unveiled his four point plan to help lower prices... He’s going to ease environmental restrictions that require gas to be mixed with cleaner burning ethanol...
Let’s see...gasoline minus ethanol equals more smog?
Oh, and we can burn up what little oil is left even quicker?
Sounds like a great idea to me. He’s also proposing to stop adding to the national strategic oil reserve until the end of summer and investigate price-gouging.
How about we put Katy Couric on it. She’ll get to the bottom of it.
And last, Bush is proposing a plan that will stimulate inner city business and eliminate some city driving. He plans to bring in more Arabs and ease alcohol restrictions to make sure that even the poorest Americans are within walking distance of a liquor store.
You know my girlfriend has been spending the night a lot lately and she gave me hell the other day about not putting the toilet seat down. This ever happen to you guys?
I said, "Hey, with my aim I thought I was doing you a favor lifting it up."
Television...TV’s something, isn’t it?...
I saw last night that David Blaine, you know - the magician, is going to have a two-hour prime-time special. He’s going to hold his breath under water for 9 minutes.
Why’s it take two hours for him to prove he can do something for 9 minutes? Is he gonna do it 13.33 times?
Even if he can do it, is that really magic? Isn’t it really more like having huge lungs or something?
Speaking of magicians, I saw where David Copperfield got held up by a couple of guys who demanded his money. He had a bunch of cash, but tricked the crooks by palming it and showing them empty pockets.
He was with a couple of beautiful women, so the thieves made them open their purses, took all their money and ran off.
The cops caught the crooks an hour later, and by the time the police called Copperfield, he was actually engaged in three-way sex with those same two women.
Now, that’s magic....( MARTY SHERMAN)
A.) Ha haaa hah! Hah, ha, heheh, hee hoo!
B.) Hoooo-hah! Awwwwhurdlhurdlhurdlhurdl, hah hah hah!
C.) Hah...cough...hack...sput...ha HAH! Heh heh.##