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April 14, 2006


Holiday Weekend Special!
Improbable! Tom Cruise on Sex!

Enlightened men will want to know that coming up in the May issue of GQ, Tom Cruise talks about sex.

As a rich, powerful, handsome Scientologist myself, I am totally open to Tom’s take on the subject as I am quite the cocksman myself.

You see, a non – Scientologist would mock Cruise as couch-jumping closeted gay man after failed marriages to Mimi Rogers, and Nicole Kidman as proof of his homosexuality.

Scientology has trained me to believe this is not true. Cruise is an enlightened human being. Those women were not his kind. In the future, all men will be more Cruise-like.

The proof of his heterosexuality is his engagement to pregnant fellow Scientologist Katie Holmes.

There you are.

In the magazine, Cruise claims he has a “spectacular” sex life with his fiancée Katie, not because they use the Chinese Fuck Bucket but because they have such “good communications skills.”

“Sweetheart, shall I prepare the Fuck Bucket for sex?”

“Yes, and give me cunnilingus before your assistant Ramon places me into it.”

“Yes, dear.”

Good communication skills…check.

Cruise goes on to explain that meaningless sex outside a relationship is “really horrible and pathetic and lonely.”

As an example, there is nothing worse than having sex all night with a beautiful $1,000 whore who will give you a thorough, mind-bending lesson in pathetic, lonely sex.

Unloading into a stunning expensive prostitute...horrible…got it.

Buy the May issue of GQ. See the new Tom Cruise movie. Become a Scientologist.

A.) Tom Cruise is a chameleon, that’s for sure.
B.) What? He’s not the least bit funny.
A.) I said ‘chameleon,’ not ‘comedian,’ stupid.
B.) Oh, ha, ha - in that case you’re right.
C.) Hey letters, what’s up?
A.) Not much. Tom Cruise in the new GQ.
C.) Guy’s a fag.
A.) What are you saying?
B.) Letta, please.
C.) Guy divorced two hot pieces of ass like Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman.
A.) Well, they are hot.
B.) Whew, that’s no lie.
C.) I rest my case - guy’s a fag.
A.) I don’t think so.
B.) Me, neither.
C.) Oh, okay, he’s not a fag – what’s up for the weekend?
A.) Easter with the family, you?
C.) Same thing. How about you, B?
B.) I’ve got b this weekend; taking him to the zoo.
C.) b is a good kid. How old is he now?
B.) Almost seven.
A.) Wow, time sure flies. How’s the ex?
B.) That fucking bitch…don’t get me started on her.
A.) Sorry, man.
C.) Hey, guess where I just came from?
B.) What? Ha, ha, ha, you mean…?
A.) Does this have anything to do with the picture at the upper left?
C.) Who’s got the crack pipe? Happy Easter, fuckers.
B.) Whoa, Happy Easter to you. I have a pipe in my sock. I love you, C.
A.) Me too, my letter. Happy Easter to everyone.


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