Lady Bomb Escorts

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April 28, 2006

 
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Sal "The Seer" Bensen's
DIRE ASTROLOGY
DIRE ASTROLOGY
DIRE ASTROLOGY
DIRE ASTROLOGY
DIRE ASTROLOGY
DIRE ASTROLOGY




aries
March 21 - April 19
Face it, Aries. You’re an absolute asshole. Everybody’s tired of your bullshit, and they’re not buying it anymore. This is your week to shut the fuck up and listen. Or else. Lucky numbers: 11, 15, 17, 24, 102, 994


taurus
April 20 - May 20
It’s the moment of truth. Time to pay for all that shit you’ve pulled for last week, Taurus. Drink heavily and maybe you won’t remember how bad it gets. Cuz it’s gonna get bad.


gemini
May 21 - June 21
Fat chance. He / she’s gone and you’re better off without the bastard / bitch. He / she can kiss your ass, AND suck / lick your cock / cunt. You have my official approval, my Gemini friend.


cancer
June 22 - July 22
How fucked are you, Cancer? I told you last week to leave the dope alone, but could you listen? No. Now you’re sorry. Well, too late, dipshit. Karma is real.


leo
July 23 - August 22
How fucked are you, Leo? I told you last week to leave the dope alone, but could you listen? No. Now you’re sorry. Well, too late, dipshit. Karma is real. Why can’t you and Cancer be more like Gemini? Lucky numbers: 4,5,6,7,8,9,10


virgo
August 23 - September 22
Thinking of suicide? Stop at the bar on the way home and have one more drink than you think you should. Pick up a forty and pull straight into the garage. Make sure the garage door is closed. Leave the engine running, Virgo. Are you with me? Drink until you pass out.


libra
September 23 - October 22
Whats’s the big deal, Libra? Will one more week of pathetic non-recognition kill you? Sad though things are, get used to it. Unless you change into a happy, energetic successful person by the weekend, you’ll spend it alone. And we both know that won’t happen.


scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Remember the neighbor’s dog? The one that barked all night? The one that you poisoned, Scorpio? Well, the neighbor knows you did it. And he’s got big plans. So watch your ass. Lucky numbers: 43, 661, 664


sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
No matter what we do, we’re gonna die sooner or later. Everybody knows that. You, on the other hand, have a very good chance to go this week. Make sure your affairs are in order, Sagittarius.


capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Capricorn, Capricorn, Capricorn. How many times do you have to hear that it’s over? Go forward with your plan to wash dishes as a career. Downsizing is here to stay and you may as well get used to a lower standard of living.


aquarius
January 20 - February 18
If shit was gold, you’d be rich by now, Aquarius. But it’s not. Remember when Daddy said the world wasn’t always fair? Well, he wasn’t pulling your leg. No lucky numbers this week.


pisces
February 19 - March 20
Hey, Pisces, that lump you felt in your breast / scrotum is cancer. Not something that you imagined that wasn’t there the last time you checked. It’s growing. I know. You’re so young. It can’t happen to you. Well, it has. You’ll be going to a better place.







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Bad News: The Boot from American Idol...Good News:
Kellie Signs Three Movie Porn Contract!

She may not have been much of singer but as an adult film star Kellie Pickler will make millions of dollars.

Pornographers Vivid Video have partnered with Disney Pictures to sign the American Idol honeybunch to a three-flick deal that takes effect as soon as Kellie turns 18.

The off-key cutie is 16 years, three months, two weeks, and two days old today.

“We believe Kellie to be the quintessential southern girl-next-door – a contemporary Elly May Clampett, if you will,” said Disney executive Trent Berhardt referencing popular 60s show, the Beverly Hillbillies.

"Unfortunately, you won't see her at the 'semen' pond - no penis allowed - it's a 'girls only' series," he quipped.

“Yeah, and I can’t wait to see her pooch…um, after she turns 18, of course,” added Fakkar Hardir, manager of Vivid's Idol Loser/Vivid Winner division.

Hardir is the man behind the company’s successful Clay Aiken – Ass Achin’ XXX thrustfest and the soon-to-be-released Paula Abdul & Toys solo DVD.

Kellie’s daddy, Jimmie “Puffy” Pickler, brokered the deal from his cell at the Pellerton County Correctional Facility in Persnikitty, Tennessee, where he is serving a 36-month sentence for abducting, raping, and murdering a large herd of sheep.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but Mr. Pickler did say he was “hongry to see sum girl-on-girl action, yee hah!”

When reminded he’d be watching his nude daughter having sex with other females, the convict's easy laughter turned to a steely gaze.

“Yep, that’s right,” he said. “Ah love Kellie - she shore is a purty one.”......(LYZAKO)


A.) Win or lose - American Idol opens doors.
B.) Sounds like a great dill for Pickler.
C.) Puffy Pickler is into sheepmales.
A.) Well, that's that. Hooray for the weekend.
C.) Taking your son to the NAMBLA meeting this week, B?
B.) Hell, no. Last week it was a bunch of adult dudes drooling over young boys.
A.) What did you think it was supposed to be?
B.) I thought it was for smart people...like geniuse-types.
C.) That's MENSA, stupid.
B.) I know that now - fuck.
A.) Uh oh, here comes the boss.
E.) Hello letters, big weekend on tap?
A.) I'm gonna watch the game and drink beer.
C.) I'm hitting the clubs for a little punctuation, sir.
E.) Ha, ha, ha - what about you, B? NAMBLA this week?
B.) The ex-wife has b this weekend...
E.) b is a fine young boy...join me, if you like and...
B.) Oh...I...uh, promised a letterfriend I'd meet him at the crack house.
E.) Hmm, I see...some other time perhaps...
B.) Yes, well, I've got to go - C needs help with a typewriter ribbon.
E.) You young letters and your Underwoods, ha, ha, ha.
C.) Nothing like punching the classic keys, sir.
A.) I'd better get to the beer store.
B.) Yeah, come on, C - let's get to that Underwood.
E.) Very good. Let's all have a pleasant weekend.






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Impeach the President
and other great protest songs by a different kind of American hero :

Canadian Neil Young





Streaming @ NeilYoung.com right now.







A.) Fuck the war.
B.) Yes, give fucking peace a chance, fuckers.
C.) Toy soldiers never die.







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April 27, 2006

 
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Rap Songs To Move Big Macs?
Marketing Firm Leaks Fast Food Giant’s Plans For Subversive Advertising

Maven Strategies, the marketing firm responsible for product placement ads for Seagram’s gin appearing in several hip-hop songs last year, was recently hired by McDonald’s to come up with one or more songs that mention the fast food chain’s signature sandwich in the lyrics.

Product placement in rap songs has run rampant ever since Run DMC’s My Adidas sold a ton of footwear back in 1986.

From Jay Z to Kanye West to Petey Pablo, who rapped "Now I got to give a shout out to Seagram's Gin/Cause I’m drinkin’ it and they payin’ me for it," in his 2004 hit Freek-A-Leek, rap artists have made it an art-form to mention as many products as possible in their songs.

From designer clothing to expensive cars to cell phones to liquor and champagne brands...almost no market has been untouched.

The reason, of course, is simple. Money.

McDonald’s was planning on paying anywhere from $1 to $5 per mention each time their Big Mac Rap Song was played on the air. On the low end, that would mean a song like Freek-A-Leek, which received over 350,000 spins on the radio, would have meant a payday of more than a quarter of a million dollars for Petey Pablo.

And that’s in addition to the normal performance and writing payments he would receive for air-play.

A spokesperson for McDonald’s had no comment when approached, but industry insiders say now that the cat’s out of the bag, Micky D’s may not pursue this avenue of advertising.

"The plan was to have several songs in place for the big summertime junk food eating season," said one insider. "But the bigwigs think it may not work if Rap fans are aware of what (McDonald’s) is doing."

Maven Strategies disagrees. "What you’re looking at is basically a market that isn’t very bright to begin with," said one marketing expert for the company.

"Face it. Kids today play video games and listen to music. The ones who can read and think for themselves are already too smart to eat this crap."

For the rest?

"The mere mention of a Big Mac starts them to salivate, just like Pavlov’s dog. And if we can do it with a beat, they’ll be dancing their way to the golden arches double-time."


A.) Mmmmm. Big Mac. Know what they call that in France, right?
B.) Le Big Mac. That Sam Jackson cracks me up.
C.) Afer I eat a Big Mac, my crap smells just like a Big Mac.






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Thinking About Liz Taylor...

According to internet reports it looks like Elizabeth Taylor isn't doing too hot - she may check out any day now.

We've always been Liz fans and want to send some good thoughts her way, that's all. We hope her ticker isn't failing her as reported but she has already made funeral plans according to the UK's Daily Mail.

Taylor wants to be buried next to former husband Richard Burton.

A fine looking woman, and a great actress - Taylor as Angela Vickers in 1951's A Place in the Sun is an absolute mind bender......(LYZAKO)






A.) What a beautiful human specimen.
B.) She's a cat on a hot tin roof.
C.) One of the original modern hot chicks.






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Marty Sherman Kills Audience!
Stand-Up Not a 'Routine' for Sajak Pal

Did you see where this guy in Oregon shot himself in the head with a nail gun?

Twelve times. And he’s fine.

Turns out he was high on crystal meth when he did it and he was trying to commit suicide. How bad is that?

Pakow! Pakow! Pakow!
Hmmm. Nothing.
Pakow! Pakow! Pakow!
Hmmm...still nothing.

Let’s try the other side...
Pakow! Pakow! Pakow!

Hmmm...

I mean, why stop at twelve? Was that all the nails he had? Was it too much of a hassle to reload? Why not put one right into your eye?

Doctors said he came to the hospital complaining of a headache. Yeah, I guess...

The article I read also said the surgeons removed the nails with needlenose pliers and a drill.
Who were these surgeons anyway, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard?

Hey, if it’s ever offered - maybe you ought to pass on that crystal meth.





I saw where Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt said that they know their unborn baby’s gender, but it really didn’t matter to them whether they have a boy or a girl...

They figure if what they have doesn’t work out, they can always trade it in for four or five poor Asian kids.




Speaking of Asians...Did you hear about this? They had a fashion week in Australia and part of the show was this Chinese body painting.

The models are nude except for a g-string, right? And they have these beautiful designs painted on them that looks like they’re wearing tight-fitting Chinese outfits...

...very sexy.

Yeah, it’s called Qi Pao...sounds kinda like Ka-Pow, doesn’t it?

Kinda like a backwards nail gun, eh?

Anyway, they say it took a team of 42 makeup artists 12 hours to paint 14 models. Now, get this...Kirstie Alley is thinking of having an outfit painted on. No, no, I’m not kidding...

They think it will take the same team of makeup artists twice as long.





Say, how about those gas prices? Through the roof aren’t they? And I saw where energy analysts - how do you get a job like that anyway? Energy analyst - they say that $5 a gallon gas could be in our near future. Yeah.

Meanwhile, the major oil companies are expected to post record profits again. Exxon-Mobil, Chevron and ConocoPhillips will clear more than $16 billion for the first quarter alone.

That’s right, folks. Billion. With a B.

Just to give you an idea of how much money that is...Tom Cruise only made a half a billion for starring in this new Mission Impossible. And he’s Tom Cruise.

Don’t worry, though. President Bush has unveiled his four point plan to help lower prices... He’s going to ease environmental restrictions that require gas to be mixed with cleaner burning ethanol...

Let’s see...gasoline minus ethanol equals more smog?

Oh, and we can burn up what little oil is left even quicker?

Sounds like a great idea to me. He’s also proposing to stop adding to the national strategic oil reserve until the end of summer and investigate price-gouging.

Investigate?

How about we put Katy Couric on it. She’ll get to the bottom of it.

And last, Bush is proposing a plan that will stimulate inner city business and eliminate some city driving. He plans to bring in more Arabs and ease alcohol restrictions to make sure that even the poorest Americans are within walking distance of a liquor store.





You know my girlfriend has been spending the night a lot lately and she gave me hell the other day about not putting the toilet seat down. This ever happen to you guys?

I said, "Hey, with my aim I thought I was doing you a favor lifting it up."





Television...TV’s something, isn’t it?...

I saw last night that David Blaine, you know - the magician, is going to have a two-hour prime-time special. He’s going to hold his breath under water for 9 minutes.

Why’s it take two hours for him to prove he can do something for 9 minutes? Is he gonna do it 13.33 times?

Even if he can do it, is that really magic? Isn’t it really more like having huge lungs or something?

Speaking of magicians, I saw where David Copperfield got held up by a couple of guys who demanded his money. He had a bunch of cash, but tricked the crooks by palming it and showing them empty pockets.

He was with a couple of beautiful women, so the thieves made them open their purses, took all their money and ran off.

The cops caught the crooks an hour later, and by the time the police called Copperfield, he was actually engaged in three-way sex with those same two women.

Now, that’s magic....( MARTY SHERMAN)


A.) Ha haaa hah! Hah, ha, heheh, hee hoo!
B.) Hoooo-hah! Awwwwhurdlhurdlhurdlhurdl, hah hah hah!
C.) Hah...cough...hack...sput...ha HAH! Heh heh.






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TOKU on TV...
Hot Chick Walks the Plank!!
TV star have to see doctor in hospital

The actress Teri Hatcher - she hot chick star of Desperate Houswives, favorite show of Toku - hurt one eye on set of TV series.

Not to worry, it will be all right.

She scratch cornea (it dome-shaped “window” that cover front of eye) and must wear eye patch temporarily.

Funny thing is...it make her look like pirate, and she know it.

"Now I understand why pirates get so grumpy,” she say grumply.

“It's kind of uncomfortable," Teri say to reporter of news organization who put report on Internet where Toku find out.

Toku surprised she not make ‘arrrrrrrgh!’ pirate joke.

For many year, Hatcher not big star. Now she explode into superstardom.

Let us hope everything is okay with eye as Teri Hatcher is star of favorite show, Desperate Housewives, as Toku say early in article.

Good luck, Teri....(TOKUGAWA MARINSKI)


A.) That chick is hot, hope she’s okay.
B.) It’s Teri Hatcher time!
C.) Good thing she didn’t injure her vagina.
A.) Whoa, someone’s in a pissy mood today.
C.) I smoked too much crack last night. I’m still woozy.
B.) Ha, ha, ha, pace yourself, fucker.
C.) Hey, I thought you and b were coming to the crack house after the game.
B.) Nah – I went to my son’s friend’s house instead.
A.) What was that like?
B.) Nothing special. We sat in the basement and smoked weed.
C.) The friend’s parents weren’t home?
B.) Of course not – what are you, nuts?
A.) What are you smiling about?
B.) There were some girls there and I took a few phone numbers.
C.) My dawg…
A.) Atta boy!
B.) Uh oh, Mr. E is in the house, back to work.
C.) Catch you later.
A.) Letter A, out!










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April 26, 2006

 
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the truth, man - like it or not...
Brando, DeNiro, Macdonald, Jagger?
Sir Mick signs on the dotted line with ABC

Originally thought to be mere internet stupidity – it’s been confirmed: Mick Jagger will star in an ABC pilot, working title: Let’s Rob Mick Jagger.

Written by long time Dave Letterman co-hort, Rob Burnett and writing partner Jon Beckerman, its story revolves around the janitor of a hot shit Manhattan high-rise where the Rolling Stones singer lives.

After witnessing Mick's pissing and moaning though he sits in the lap of luxury, the janitor decides then and there to rob the fucker.

Then all hell breaks loose as the zany tale unfolds ‘24’ style – hour by hour, each episode in 'real' time. Since Burnett is from the Letterman school of urbane wacky Manhattan-style comedy, the janitor and his posse of urbane wacky Manhattanites will plot, cajole, quip, kibbitz, schlep, and use whatever other other comedic devices it takes to get the job done.

If the show hits and there’s a second season, a new celebrity will be targeted and mugged.

The series was originally pitched as Let’s Rob Jeff Goldblum, but The Fly guy passed, so Burnett and crew went to plan B and brainstormed names till someone blurted out 'Mick Jagger!'

Whoa, good one.

That's out-of-the-box thinking.

They sent Sir Lips the script - long story short: Mick dug it, said yeah, and shot his scenes two weeks ago in New Zealand while on tour with the Stones.

No release date on the TV show yet.....(MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)


A.) Those Stones are amazing, aren't they?
B.) Yep, they really are the greatest rock band in the world.
C.) Fucking Mick AND Keith Fucking Richards in the same band.
A.) I'm not sure about this TV show, though.
B.) Me neither. As an actor, Jagger is a great singer.
C.) What the fuck - it's an easy payday.
A.) You got that right.
B.) Whew, look at the that - it's almost time to punch out.
C.) I saw old letter E leave ten minutes ago.
A.) We should leave early and buy some crack.
B.) Crack, crack, crack - that's all you think about.
C.) I've got my Stones CDs in the car, maybe A is right.
B.) (rubbing chin) Yeah, smoking crack does sound good.
A.) I'm going to call the wife, tell her I'll be home late.
C.) Me, too.
B.) Damn, I forgot - I have to watch my son play baseball tonight!!!
A.) Too bad. I heard the crackhouse got a shipment of really good crack.
C.) Yes, too bad. Well, I'll smoke a bowl for you.
B.) Damn. Well, a deal's a deal. I promised I'd go.
A.) Have fun watching b at the game - he's a good kid.
C.) If the game ends early, bring him to the crackhouse afterwards...
B.) Hey! There's an idea!
A.) Ha, there you go. That's what friends are for, ha.
C.) See you after the game. Wish b luck for us!
B.) You two are the best fucking letters in the world.
A.) I'm blushing.
C.) I'm tired - let's go to the crackhouse.






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What Have You Done For Me Philately?
Naomi Campbell Stamp Gets Nod From Collectors

Finally some good news for fans of supermodel Naomi Campbell, and philatelists around the world.

On the heels of recent bad press about an alleged attack on her maid, it has been announced that an image of the bronze goddess will be used on a special limited-edition charity stamp to be issued in Austria, where she is scheduled to host the Vienna Life Ball next month.

The event is a fund-raiser for Elton John’s AIDS charity, and will take place at Vienna’s City Hall on May 20th.

According to a charity spokesperson, the stamps, which are not self-adhesive, will require a good licking and will come in three flavors...Extra Cleansing Vinegar, Country Fresh, and "one that tastes like Naomi smells."....(MARTY SHERMAN)


A.) I don’t care if she is a bitch, I’d lick her like there’s no tomorrow.
B.) I’m in. I want some of that one that tastes like she smells.
C.) As a gentleman, I never lick and tell.







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MTV Silver News:
MIKE WALLACE: Out of this World!
"Sweetheart, bring Daddy his reading glasses."

87-year-old Mike Wallace, CBS 60 Minutes superstar, claims he is being courted by GT/T Invent to do a news show for them on another planet.

“They've been talking with me for some time about coming up to Neptune,” he says.

Glaxo Ten/Twelve, the company's president, would transport me three times weekly in his own personal rocket ship so I can travel back and forth between Neptune and Earth - maybe get a nice apartment in downtown GXRL-25 city, I don't know..."

"I wonder how the corned beef is up there…" the newsman says rubbing his chin, gazing off into a faraway world.

"And the women..." Wallace ponders - then laughs: "That is alien nookie in its purest form."

An assistant walks in: "Glaxo Ten/Twelve on the phone, sir.'

The reporter shakes Wallace's hand and is shown to the door not knowing what he's learned or what he will write.

He doesn't know how the story ends... or if there even was a story...

Not unlike a cheesy low brow twilight zone kind of thing....(LYZAKO)


A.) Strange. Wallace reminds me of an old Geraldo Rivera.
B.) I remember when that racist bastard was Governor of Alabama.
C.) Oops, pooped my diaper. Hey, that colon cleanser really works!






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Farrah Fawcett Also noTORIous
Aging Beauty Plays Neighbor In New 'Reality' Show

One of television’s original Charlie’s Angels and 70's poster model Farrah Fawcett will be appearing as Tori Spelling’s neighbor in Spelling’s new VH1 series So noTORIous.

The storyline is based on the fact that the two actually lived in the same condo development in Hollywood a few years back.

"Farrah rang my doorbell once and asked if I could give her some sugar. I invited her in and when I came back from the kitchen she was buck naked on my sofa," Tori said.

"It turns out that what she really wanted was ‘sugar’...you know, the naked kind."

Farrah admits to being attracted to women and confesses that Tori represented a challenge to her.

"It was the first time I ever did a father and his daughter, too." Tori’s dad, of course is gazillionaire TV mogul Aaron Spelling, who also produced Charlie’s Angels.

In a related story, Sotheby’s announced that a rare Farrah item will be part of an upcoming memorabilia auction in New York. Even though the Lady Schick Speed Styler was sold by the millions back in the early ‘70's, few are known to exist today in working condition.

And only one is known to be complete in the box with instruction booklet intact.

"It’s a thing of beauty, and the inclusion of the booklet is critical," said one Sotheby’s spokesman. "We fully expect it might go for as high as $1,000,000."

Pre-auction estimates range from $400,000 to $450,000 but the item could fetch considerably more if bidding becomes heated.

The blow dryer originally sold for $12.99 in 1971..... (MARTY SHERMAN)


A.) I thought I read that Farrah went insane.
B.) Man, I loved her poster. Nip was a big deal in the ‘70's.
C.) Jaclyn Smith had a better ass. Kate Jackson had no ass.









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April 25, 2006

 
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Jolie-Pitts To Paparazzi: Do Not Disturb Or Else
Bodyguard Who Guards Their Bodies Issues Statement

"If I find anyone getting a picture of Jolie, I will fucking smash someone to pieces."

"I'm not joking. I'll fucking put someone in the hospital. Tell your friends," said Mickey Brett, head of the Jolie-Pitt security detail.

It is unknown whether Brett had a hand in an earlier reported beating of a photographer who tried to get some snaps of the famous couple while visiting Namibia, where the couple plans to birth their first baby.

The bodyguard reportedly went on to say that "I hope we never go back to America. They won’t let us fuck these punks up back home. I like it here, where we can beat the shit out of whoever we want."

The Namibian government is on the Hollywood couple’s side and have rescinded a number of visas for photographers who are in the country to follow the stars. Some were forced to leave the country or be arrested.....(MARTY SHERMAN)


A.) In Namibia, photos bad, violence good.
B.) Look, I shoot photo. Please to beat me, also.
C.) No! Beat me! Beat me!






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(They have it)
Made in China!
Such a deal...

In an effort to curb piracy (argggh…) in China, Warner Home Video is selling Martin Scorsese’s The Aviator DVD for $1.50.

A company spokesman recently told the London Financial Times, "This is a first step to see if the consumer can accept this product at this price.”

What? Accept the 'product' for a buck-and-a-half?

It's at least a twenny in Metamora, right?

At that price adventurous consumers can use it as a disposable sex toy. Why wouldn’t the Chinese be anything but thrilled with buck-fifty DVDs?

Because bootlegs go for 75 cents, fucker - that’s why.

Warner’s should try that price here in the States; they’d sell trillions of discs. Every day.

Hell, for $1.50 I’d even buy that Showgirls Director's Cut I’ve had my eye on for the last ten years.

Oh, and Snakes on a Plane.

No, wait a minute – SOAP hits dollar stores in November.

$1.50 DVDs would be great.

Why, it would make this planet a heaven on earth, you hear me?

A Heaven on Earth... (MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)


A.) Ha, ha, ha, looks like Musty read Peter Guralnick’s bio on Sam Cooke.
B.) What? What do you mean?
C.) Sam Cooke used to call everyone ‘fucker.’
B.) That's funny. Everyone calls everyone 'fucker' anyway.
A.) Yeah, but it's funny in print.
C.) Especially when you don't know the fucker, ha, ha, ha.
A.) Fucking right.
B.) Why do you think the f-word is so funny?
A.) How the fuck do I know? Ha, ha, ha.
B.) Ha, ha, ha.
C.) Ha, ha, ha, fuck.







artlyzak@ladybombescorts.com
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Neanderthal Athlete Reprimanded
Sexist Comment Lands Keith Hernandez In Hot Water

Former All-Star first-baseman and current Mets announcer Keith Hernandez was reprimanded for making "inappropriate" remarks during a Mets game against the San Diego Padres on Saturday.

Upon seeing a woman high-five Mike Piazza after the Padres’ catcher homered, Hernandez said that women "don't belong in the dugout."

Even after finding out that the woman was 33-year-old Kelly Calabrese, the Padres’ massage therapist, Hernandez stuck to his guns.

"I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout," he affirmed.

Mets management immediately reprimanded the former MVP, who was forced to issue a statement of apology during Sunday’s broadcast.

The gist of the apology was that he was "only teasing" and that he went on to say "I love you gals out there...always have."

After Sunday’s game, Hernandez reportedly joked in private that Calabrese "might" belong in the dugout but would also "look damn good spread-eagle and tied down to my king-size four-poster."...(MARTY SHERMAN)


A.) I heard she was also the team ‘ball handler’.
B.) No, she handled all the ‘equipment’ - if you know what I mean.
C.) I wonder if Keith could get to first base with her.







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Americans Sick of Fucking War
Impeach the President this Friday


If you’re thinking the war in Iraq is one fucking unholy mess, join the club.

Neil Young’s soon-to-be-released anti-war album, Living with War, starts streaming from his dotcom this Friday, April 28.

It may change nothing but hopefully make more human beings ponder the useless waste of lives in Iraq while we're busy over here killing six-packs and eight-balls.

The fuckers at the top running the show have their shtick down pat - they don’t give a fuck what we think.

And to them Neil Young is nothing more than a shut-the-fuck-up Canadian who should be happy with the millions he’s made in the USA.

Maybe not legally, But Young is a damn fine American; that’s why he made this record.

Impeach the President is the first single from Living With War. Remember, the stuff is available this Friday at his website.

Impeach the President. One tight honest punchy little sentence.

Advance reviews say the LP rocks with Young’s guitar at its grungiest - and while his website has some of the lyrics slowly scrolling cross the screen – his design team should really just lay them out proper instead of using the stupid crawl.

Can’t wait for Young’s no-bullshit takes on the neo con death cult.....(LYZAKO)


A.) Yes, fuck the war…impeach the president.
B.) Impeach that dude now.
C.) Neil Young is a good fucking guy.
A.) Got that right.
B.) Top notch.
C.) Give fucking peace a chance.







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April 24, 2006

 
The I-94 Connection
KEVIN K: Rock and Roll Dynamite Live

Since you like your New York guitar rock crunchy like we do, we invite our minions in Detroit and Chicago to check out New York rocker Kevin K this weekend April 28 & 29 – as K celebrates the release of his new CD Rock and Roll Dynamite - out later this month on Fullbreach 77 Records.

This is old school straight up Heartbreakers/Dolls/70s Manhattan rock with a splash of Iggy and Alice - as all rock should be.

K is backed on the two dates by a superb group of Motor City musicians: Ricky Rat on guitar & vocals (ex-Trash Brats), Sean Elwood, bass (Cyril Lords), and one of the handsomest men in Detroit rock, Ralph Serafino (The Torpedos) on the drums. (MUSTY SCRIBBLINS)


A.) I’m sold. It’s Friday, April 28 in Detroit for me.
B.) Chicago is my kind of town. Saturday, April 29.
C.) This dude absolutely fucking rocks.






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Gigolo Bigamist Out On Parole
Con Artist Gets Early Release For Good Behavior, Bad Taste In Women


After serving a mere 10 months of his original three-year sentence for fraud, 54-year-old William Michael Barber was released from a New Jersey prison in late March.

Barber, whose flaccid penis measures four inches, was convicted in 2005, after his wife Joyce Reynolds discovered that he had been fraudulently using credit cards in her name.

Further investigation showed that Reynolds was just one of at least six women that Barber, whose erect penis measures 6.75 inches, had married under false pretenses.

The con artist and self-described "chubby chaser" used a series of fake I.D.’s to trick his victims, and once married, proceeded to ruin them financially.

Fatwoman, one of NYC’s most famous super heroes, who’s powers include being able to digest any kind of matter from stone to steel, was Barber’s third wife.

"I’m a little concerned that he’s been released so soon," she said from her secret lair in the sub-basement of the Carnegie Deli. "If I have to, I’ll take things into my own hands to prevent him from doing this to someone else."

"I can make him disappear without a trace," the obese crime-fighter added. "And I should have done it a long time ago. He’d go well with a nice, full-bodied cabernet."

Baker, who is currently residing in a Men’s Shelter in New Jersey, was surprised to find out that his third wife was indeed the famous super hero. "I should have suspected something," he said. "She could really pack it away." (MARTY SHERMAN)


If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
B.) Yeah, then lie, cheat and steal from her.
C.) Bring back the hot chicks! That pic made me queasy.






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We just don't care for the guy, sorry
Hugh Grant is a Douchebag!
Larry King's kind of a douche, too

British actor Hugh Grant will be on the Larry King show tonight to talk about the long awaited release of his sex video Divine Brown Blew Me, now finally available on DVD at Divinebrownblowshughgrant.com for only $19.95.

Along with the one-minute director’s cut of the blow job, the disc is sandwiched with extra footage of Grant cutting a deal with the whore (“I’m Hugh Grant, blow me – five dollars, take it or leave it.”) and the LA police beating him for bad acting (“I wasted good money on your films, you fuck.” "Yeah, you really suck, pal.").

Click here for a free bonus picture.


And don't forget this Friday, Grant stars as Stan Laurel to Danny DeVito's Oliver Hardy in Two Dudes for the Rodeo - a stunningly mediocre TNT original movie.


A.) I like the guy. Good actor.
B.) Yes, because you're high on crack.
A.) Remember when Hugh Grant was Mary Tyler Moore's boss?
B.) You're right. Damn, he was good in that.
A.) Hey, where's C?
B.) Hitting the pipe in the can. Here he comes...
C.) Wheee! Let's do the Hugh Grant piece. He's great.
A.) That's what I say.
B.) We're done. Gimme the stupid pipe.
C.) Wheee!




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how's your monday going?
we had problems at our blogger.com account this morning.

and the fucking cops were sniffing around again.

not sure how much longer we can keep this up.

whatever...


here comes marty sherman on cindy margolis...

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Cindy Margolis Wins Cooking Competition
See...She’s Not Just Another Pretty Face With Big Tits, Long Legs And A Perfect Ass

Internet beauty queen Cindy Margolis pulled out all the stops in her breathtaking victory last weekend on NBC’s Celebrity Cooking Showdown.

The dazzling blonde, who’s famous for almost taking off all her clothes on the web, got to the finals by ‘beating’ pro football tight-end Tony Gonzales and soap star Alison Sweeney in the first round of the week-long competition. Margolis then ‘whipped’ the winners of the other two rounds, Ashley Parker Angel, from MTV’s Making The Band, and 2005 Miss USA Chelsea Cooley, in the finals on Saturday.

In a bold move by NBC to redefine the word ‘celebrity’, singer Patti LaBelle, actor Tom Arnold, beach-volleyballer Gabrielle Reese and country singer Big Kenny were selected to be the other competitors in the Cook-Off, which was planned to cash in on the Iron Chef cooking craze.

The show was hosted by Alan Thicke.

Wolfgang Puck, who was one of the celebrity chefs that helped the so-called celebrities prepare full-course meals in just under an hour, said of Cindy: "She was just marvelous. I loved her spirit in the kitchen, and she looked great doing it."

Not many know that Puck started his showbiz career as the voice of Disney’s Professor Ludwig Von Drake before becoming a restaurateur and chef to the stars. Today he markets his own line of cooking products that includes TV shows, cookware, spices, prepared foods and cookbooks.

Cindy’s winning menu included "Bone-In Tenderloin in Cream Sauce" and her own "Sweet and Creamy Cherry Tart" for dessert. (Marty Sherman)


A.) Shall we dine in or carry out?
B.) Chef Cindy can ‘whip’ me anytime.
C.) Should I be getting a boner when I think about food?





Big Kenny: "I Was Robbed!"
One Half Of Country Duo Big & Rich Speaks Out

"My steak, cornbread and taters were head and shoulders better than any of that other high-fallutin’ crap. I feel like I was robbed because them judges think I’m a hillbilly," stated Big Kenny Alphin, the ‘big’ half of country duo Big & Rich.

Kenny, along with partner John Rich, vaulted to national attention with their 2004 release Horse of a Different Color. The CD reached the top spot on both Billboard’s national and country charts and featured the smash single Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy, which was used by ESPN in spots to promote its World Series of Poker in 2004.

Attempts by the duo to cross into the gay market were nixed when the song was turned down by producers of last year’s Oscar-winning film Brokeback Mountain for being "not subtle enough for the purposes of the narrative," according to one industry insider.

Big Kenny is currently consulting with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe to see if he has any recourse against NBC for losing the Cook-Off.

"I think if them snooty judges had been honest with themselves, they’d have picked my grub, hands down," he said.

Partner John Rich agrees: "Kenny’s definitely the cook in this relationship. Everything he prepares is scrumptiously divine." (Marty Sherman)


A.) Yeeeehah!
B.) Ride ‘em Big Kenny!
C.) Just don’t make me watch. It turns my stomach.







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April 21, 2006

 

Proof: Brad Pitt Pussy-Whipped
Come On...Can You Really Blame Him?

Amidst making travel plans to Africa, where the Jolie-Pitts plan to birth their first child, Brad Pitt found time to get what experts believe to be his first tattoo.

The mark, which will adorn his lower back, is a Sanskrit prayer in honor of his adopted son Maddox and is similar to one that Angelina has on her shoulder.

Reportedly, the tattoo artist, who was running a two-for-one special, also inked "PROPERTY OF ANGIE" on the actor’s balls.

Pending his better half’s approval, Brad is said to be considering another bit of skin art.

"I’d like to get the Zig-Zag guy done on my bicep," he said, " but I’m going to wait a while. The one on my (balls) really hurts."

The couple also recently confirmed that they will, indeed fly to Africa so that Angelina can give birth on the Dark Continent. As is the practice in many remote villages, the mother will have the baby through natural childbirth on the floor while squatting in the dirt and screaming.

An African midwife will be present, though the Jolie-Pitts plan to have their personal gynecologist oversee the birth. The "birthing hut" will be near a hospital facility in case there are complications.

Brad and Angelina are also reported to be considering an African name for their first born.

Depending on the baby’s gender, Brad’s choices are Tarzan B’wana Jolie-Pitt if it’s a boy and Sheena Cheetah Jolie-Pitt for a girl. (Marty Sherman)


A.) Of course the bastard’s pussy-whipped. Wouldn’t you be?
B.) Is she really THAT hot? I mean, a tat on the balls...ouch.
C.) These two are as nuts as Tom and Katie. No shit.







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New Product Testing Department...
Where We Put New Products To The Test!

Peanut butter and jelly on white bread is one of my favorite sandwiches.

It takes me back to when I was a kid. Those were the days...bike riding was the only thing on my agenda in July besides farting in my hand and smelling it.

Ahhhh, it was great being young....

So when our testing lab received this new combination PB&J spreader, I couldn’t wait to try it out.

Hmm. An "all-in-one tool" it says, "scoop and spread peanut butter and jelly, mustard and mayonnaise, and other delectable duos."

Well, since I couldn’t think of any other "delectable duo," I decided to try it with PB&J.

I guess the peanut butter end is brown and the jelly end is purple, so I’ll just dip it in here...yeah that works pretty okay. And turn it around...shit...I got peanut butter all over my hand.

Oops, the jelly fell off onto the floor.

The damn thing’s pretty slick...Let me just scoop up some more jelly...there.

I think I got it...now, can I cut the crusts off with this bad boy? Hmmm, nope. And I got jelly on my sleeve. It just kinda tears the bread.

I give up.

All in all, I’d rather use a spoon and a knife. It says it’s "dishwasher safe" but I’ll never find out because this worthless piece of crap is going right into the trash. (Marty Sherman)


A.) They would laughed this thing off American Inventor.
B.) Only in America.
C.) I’ll bet it’s made in China.





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Godfather of punk turns 59 today
BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR IGGY POP: THE STOOGES

Here at the Bomb's Detroit office we’re all wishing Iggy Pop a happy fucking birthday.

We’ve always dug the man and his music right from the get-go back in the late ‘40s with the Asheton brothers through his painfully amusing divorce album, Avenue B - the last real good Iggy Pop solo disc - a few years back. The pair after that (forgot their names) were totally forgettable.

But Iggy's no dummy - Pop knows best. He’s recording a new LP with The Stooges - Ron and Scott Asheton, inventors of American punk - their first effort since 1973’s Raw Power.

They’re all in Miami this week making music and prepping for a new album to be released in 2007. Produced by the legendary Steve Albini (with a few sure-fire hit tracks produced by Jack White), the album should fucking kill. The fellows have been working very hard on it.

Anyone who has compared the Stooges live onstage back in the day with more recent shows will tell you they are one and the same. A rare phenomenon in the reunion business.

Next year, a successful proper tour will promote what should be a terrific record and the Stooges comeback story will have a happy ending.

Happy endings are the fucking best. Happy birthday, Iggy Pop.


A.) That Iggy is one skinny dude.
B.) Yeah, he must be a vaginatarian.
C.) Yeah, for his birthday dinner he’s having a lima bean and a twig.
A.) Ha, that Iggy is something else, ha.
B.) What’s up for the weekend?
C.) Not much – some yard work...hopefully in the sun. You?
B.) Taking b to a NAMBLA convention.
A.) Good idea. May as well get that part of the kid’s life out the way.
C.) Exactly. You’re no dummy. What about you, A?
A.) Wife, dog, the Sam Cooke bio by Guralnick...
C.) No ham this weekend? Ha, ha, ha.
A.) I don't think so. I still have ham coming out of my ass.
B.) Damn, the boss is coming this way.
E.) Gentlemen, gentlemen, good morning. What are we opening with?
A.) It's Iggy Pop's birthday, sir.
E.) Ah, yes...one of my favorites as a young man. Very skinny.
B.) It's because he's a vaginatarian, sir.
C.) Yes, and his dinner is a lima bean and a twig.
E.) Harrrrrrrrummmph...well, I know you boys can do better than that.
A.) Not necessarily keepers - still working out punchlines, Mr. E.
E.) Yes...well...um...
C.) What are you doing this weekend, sir?
E.) Going to the NAMBLA convention. I always enjoy myself there.
A.) What a coincidence. B will be there with his son, b.
E.) Really? I'd love to buy the boy an ice cream.
B.) I'll tell him to look forward to it.
E.) Good. And now, gentlemen...to work - then the weekend. What say you?
B.) Okay, Mr. E.
C.) Right as usual, sir.
A.) Have a great weekend.





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April 20, 2006

 
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Cartoon Love Dolls Available
Popular Sex Aid Now Caters To Niche Market

A spokesperson for the San Diego based RealDoll company, says that the newest versions of their popular sex dolls will be based on the physical traits of Japanese cartoon characters.

Adult-oriented Japanese animation often incorporates nudity and sex into sci-fi and fantasy scenarios, and the word Hentai, which loosely translates as "perverted," is commonly used in the U.S. and Europe to describe these X-rated romps.

Characters based on Japanese video games, anime and Manga comics can now be ordered as adult-size, fully-articulated Real Dolls.

"We already do customized features on our top-of-the-line models, and we were getting more and more requests from both here in the States and from Japan to make dolls that resembled popular Japanese characters like Sailor Moon," said the spokesperson.

The newest dolls come with all the bells and whistles. Like previous Real Dolls, they can be ordered with different hair styles and colors, varying skin tones and up to three "input" ports including vaginal, oral and anal.

The main difference is the way the dolls are proportioned.

"The heads and eyes are larger, and the bodies are slimmer, with bulbous breasts," said the spokesperson. "They also come with a choice of either four or five fingers per hand."


Unlike the original Real Doll models, there are currently no male versions of the Hentai dolls.

"Sexual attraction towards cartoon characters seems to be limited to men, but we listen to our customers and should the need arise, we would be happy to accommodate any of them, male or female."

RealDoll is currently developing prototypes for dolls based on American cartoon characters Betty Boop, Daisy Duck and Marge Simpson.


A.) What? No Betty and Veronica?
B.) It’s like a freakin’ real life Tijuana Bible.
C.) Let’s get a Betty Boop and have a three-way, guys!






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New network sitcom for Rolling Stone?
Take Mick Jagger, Please!


Rolling Stones canary Mick Jagger and ABC are hoping to cut a deal to shoot a comedy pilot about a gang of New York City bad guys who attempt to rob a celebrity.

The original pitch title was I Want to Rob Jeff Goldblum, with Goldblum as the celebrity - though The Fly guy never agreed to do it.

If Mick says yep, the new name would be I Want to Rob the World, Awright?

The weekly comedy would center around an old rock band touring the world selling overpriced concert tickets, tee shirts, leather jackets and other crap.

If Jagger nixes the project, a handshake deal is already in place with Andrew Dice Clay to star as a washed up comedian in what would revert to the original I Want to Rob Jeff Goldblum name again.

And if Diceman gets the part, the sitcom format will be scrapped in favor of a reality show angle where Clay puts together a crew with a plan to really rob actor Goldblum after pistol whipping and beating the living shit out of him.

No matter how it plays out, it sounds like another winner for ABC.


A.) Keith Richard should play the nosy landlord, Mr. Roper.
B.) Andrew Dice Clay is the Carrot Top of his generation.
C.) Mick should play Barney Fife in the new Andy of Mayberry movie.






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OH MY GOD! FROGS!!
OH MY GOD! FROGS!!
OH MY GOD! FROGS!!

Hollywood Comes To Aid of Migrating Amphibians

Spring is in the air...the smell of lilac, the warm sun on bare skin and the sound of chirping birds...wait, no that’s the sound of frogs....frogs being flattened as they cross country roads all over the Midwest and Northeast.

Thank God there’s the Amphibian Preservation Alliance, a non-profit organization founded in 2003 that coordinates volunteers to help guide the frogs, along with their salamander cousins, to safety.

Unfortunately, according to local officials in at least one town in Pennsylvania, the do-gooders, who often stop traffic to make way for the jumping critters, are actually making driving through migration areas more dangerous.

A group of actors and actresses including George Clooney, Whoopi Goldberg, Rosie O’Donnell and Clint Eastwood have decided to help.

With local coordination by APA, the stars hope to build a series of "frog crosswalks" on roads where migration is known to be heaviest.

In addition, CAUTION: FROG CROSSING signs that have flashing yellow lights attached will be installed in the areas to warn motorists.

The stars are reportedly also considering HOP and DO NOT HOP signs on either side of the new crosswalks. (Marty Sherman)


A.) Man, you haven’t written anything funny since that Beyonce butter thing.
B.) Yeah, dude. You gotta give us something to work with. Frogs? Jeezus.
C.) The other guy’s stories are way funnier.








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New Red Hot Chick Celebrity Sex Video!

Get out your foot mouse and lube – here comes your latest celebrity sex video.

This time it’s Sports Illustrated model Carolyn Murphy and her ex-husband, Jmcei Tmof (we don’t know his name - just typing letters at random).

Soon to be on a computer screen in your face after contracts are signed and everyone gets a payday, it’s a two hour overview of Carolyn and Pnsdfh doing things to their penis, vagina, and other body parts during a 17 day honeymoon in Barbados.

And from what we hear, Lnvbwdi gives it to her good.

If we knew who Carolyn Murphy was, we’d really be something – but she’s just another hot chick to us.

Hot? Yes. Big deal.

We don’t really care - they're a nickel a dozen nowadays - just let us see and be done with it.

Wife Swap is on in a half-hour.

When guys watch sex scenes they could care less if it’s Carolyn Shmurphy, or Paris Hilton, or 21-year-old Megan, the girl-next-door.

In fact, Megan would be the best choice but the spycam's in the shop (loud buzzing sound) and her brother, Mdnoehhf, has a Black Belt in Karate.


B.) There's nothing like a good lei.
C.) Ha, that’s not bad.
A.) Good morning.
B.) You’re 40 minutes late, asshole
C.) Dude, you are really riding my nerve.
A.) I brought you letters some coffee.
B.) Great, thanks – next time be on time.
C.) Yeah, what the fuck? It’s why I invented the clock, dumbass.
A.) Oh. And here’s a Vicodin for you and a Vicodin for you.
B.) Whoa, thanks.
C.) Ha, yeah. Thanks A, ha.
B.) Shit, here comes the boss.
E.) Harrrrrumph…What’s going on here?
C.) Good morning, sir. We’re brainstorming the Carolyn Murphy piece.
E.) Yes, she’s quite a piece – eh, boys?
A.) Ha, ha, ha.
B.) Good one, Mr. E.
C.) Oh god, that’s so funny, sir - I can’t catch my breath.
E.) Yes, well…I was young once, ha, ha, ha.
A.) Played the field a lot before finding the missus?
E.) I stirred more Tang than Neil Armstrong, ha, ha, ha.
C.) Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
B.) Whoa!
A.) Oh no - I spit my coffee up, ha, ha, ha.
E.) That’s off the record, of course.
A.) Yes, sir.
B.) Of course.
C.) Say no more, Mr. E.
E.) Alright, fellows. Let’s get back to work.
A.) Yes, sir. Have a great day.
E.) Let’s all have a great day!
B.) Yes!
C.) Here we go!





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April 19, 2006

 
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Supermodel Penny Lancaster's Fiancé on American Idol Tonight!

Just a quick reminder that Rod Stewart - the Frank Sinatra of the Baby Boomer generation - sings one of those swell old moldy figs on American Idol tonight.

The guy has great taste in wine, women & song.

I take that back. He's made some shitty records, but not too many.

A.) Rod Stewart is pure class.
B.) And what a set of pipes that man has.
C.) Whew, look at the bazoombas on that chick.
A.) What?! Oh fuck, here comes the boss.
E.) What going on here? Who's the broad?
B.) Penny Lancaster. She's Rod Stewart's fiancée.
E.) Sweet Mother of God!
C.) What's that, sir?
E.) I said, no bazoomba jokes. Now get back to work.
A.) Yes, sir.
B.) Your new toupee looks fantastic, by the way, sir.
E.) Thank you...but remember, no bazoomba jokes.








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How Many Fingers Can J-Lo Take?
Only Noa Knows

Former hubby Ojani Noa is being sued by Jennifer Lopez to prevent him from publishing a revealing book about the couple’s relationship.

The two were married for barely a year way back in 1997 before J-Lo switched to P. Diddy, then Cris Judd, then Ben Affleck, then current squeeze Marc Anthony, whom she married in 2004.

Reportedly Noa is demanding five million dollars to end his search for a publisher.

Jen’s lawyers claim the book violates an earlier agreement between the two that includes both "non-disclosure" and "non-disparagement" clauses.

Noa, a former Miami waiter and less-than-successful model, had also been in charge of Lopez’s Southern California restaurant Madres, until she fired him in 2002 after only six months of employment.

Two letters were sent by Noa to Lopez’s attorneys, one in January of 2005 and one from earlier this year.

Written in Noa’s second language, Pidgin English, the handwritten correspondences are believed to state his intentions to sell the manuscript, which has a working title of "I Due Jennie En But".

Lopez’s team of lawyers are currently working on complete translations of the letters to see if additional charges can be brought in the suit. (Marty Sherman)


A.) Is it bad press to be able to take a whole hand?
B.) No such thing as bad press, honey. Long as they’re talking about you.
C.) As a gentleman, I never fist and tell.







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Gilbert Gottfried & Paris Hilton in Love!
Yeah, right – not in a million years, man...


Over there at the website of The Phoenix out in the great city of Boston, comedian Gilbert Gottfried has been voted the Unsexiest Man in the World.

Unbelievable, but true - the star of The Aristocrats and voice of the AFLAC duck heads up a list of personalities that includes Jerry Seinfeld, Elephant Man, Freddy Krueger, Tom Arnold, and not surprisingly, Tom Arnold again.

See the whole darn list over here and bring us back a bowl of clam chowder, thanks.


A.) I think Gilbert is adorable.
B.) Yes, like a herpes sore.
C.) Elephant Man? He's sexy in a rugged kind of way.



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New Horror Spoof To Star Snoop Dogg
Rapper’s Production Co. 'Throws Bones' to Jason Alexander, Billy Dee Williams, et al

Take one Rap Star, mix liberally with a cast of Has-Beens and Never-Was’s, half-bake some kind of Scary Story, sprinkle generously with Hot Babes and you get?

Hollywood’s latest entry in the dumb movie department, Snoop Dogg’s Hood Of Horror.

Executive-Produced by Snoop’s own Snoopadelic Films, 'Hood' is described as a "hip hop horror anthology" which "follows the fortunes of the residents of an inner city neighborhood whose actions in this life will determine their destination in the afterlife".

Our guide through the three horrific Hood Tales is none other than the Snoopster himself, who chews the scenery like Lassie on a leg bone.

The tag-line? "It’s NOT all good in da hood."

Aside from former Seinfeld star Jason Alexander and Colt 45 shill Billy Dee Williams, the cast reads like a who’s who of Hollywood extras, many of whom are barely known on the small screen.

Ernie Hudson, Danny Trejo, Aries Spears and Lin Shaye (who also appears in Snakes On A Plane!) are the most recognizable names in Hood, which was scripted by the same team who wrote this year’s direct-to-DVD release 2001 Maniacs.

Appearing as eye candy are April 2000 Playboy Centerfold and former Baywatch star Brande Roderick as the hot girl who screams a lot, and Sydney Tamiia Poitier, daughter of Sidney Poitier, as the black girl who gets her head cut off.

If you can stay awake, look for cameo appearances by Detroit Pistons forward Tayshawn Prince, Lakers forward Lamar Odom and rapper Method Man as himself.

Filmed entirely in Los Angeles, Hood is scheduled for release as soon as the editors are able to hammer the raw film into some kind of semblance of a movie. (Marty Sherman)


A.) Snoop’s the Darryl F. Zanuck of the New Millennium.
B.) Darryl F. Who? I hope Brande Roderick takes her clothes off.
C.) What’s a Millennium? She'd better take her clothes off.




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kreat kews!
KEW KISS KRAP
KROM KENE KIMMONS!

Talk is cheap and when the lips behind the yap belong to Gene Simmons of KISS, it’s highly entertaining.

The blood spitting, long tongued bass player claims he will soon market a new exercise video for fat chicks called Sexercise.

American pop culture is at its best when it's at its stupidest.

Ha, ha, ha – that Gene Simmons is something else. Anyone that kan kreate a KISS KOFFIN and get fans to pay five large for what is essentially a long plastic beer kooler with pictures of a pancaked rock band is okay with us.

If you’re out of your mind – or just too high - you may want to visit Gene’s site and spend some dough.

Besides your usual teeshirts, hats, cups, et cetera, you can smoke your crack with a forty buck KISS KIPPO lighter then wash it down with a bottle of KISS KABERNET.

How much for a bottle of the good stuff?

It said ‘click for price,’ so I did. The swill cost $100 per.

I clicked out of the site and went to check out the New York girls at last night’s party.


A.) Coffee's not ready, yet?
B.) I had some before work: Gene Simmons, ha, ha, ha.
C.) KISS is KRAZY! We're out of coffee.
A.) Fuck.
B.) Don't be a baby - go buy some, you cheap fuck.
C.) And learn to be funny before coffee.
A.) You're right, of course.
B.) At least act like a professional.
C.) Don't cry like a baby because there's no coffee.
A.) Fuck, you're right - Simmons has more tongue than a Zingerman's sandwich.
B.) That's more like it.
C.) Um, you'd better get the coffee.






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April 18, 2006

 
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Billionaire Pays King’s Ransom For King’s Image
Corporate Greed To Put Kibosh

On Elvis Imitators?
Payless Announces Sale on Blue Suede Shoes...


Shhhh. Listen...Hear that? It’s the sound of a gazillion Elvis impersonators crying.

It turns out that they soon may be unable to ply their craft if billionaire media mogul Robert Sillerman has his way.

Sillerman, who also owns American Idol, paid $114 million to the Presley family last year for a majority stake in Elvis Presley Enterprises.

While his share of the pie does not include the rights to Elvis’ music, it does include ownership of Graceland as well as the U.S. rights to the King’s name and image, which he intends to use exclusively in a multi-media Elvis extravaganza on the Las Vegas Strip.

He also expects the attraction to lure millions of zombie-like fans annually while making him the "most filthy" of the filthy rich.

Sorry folks, but legal experts say that means "unauthorized" Elvis impersonators may have to cease and desist.

Even though Sillerman hasn’t come right out and said it, his comments in a recent interview for the NY Times implied as much, and an army of the King’s clones are holding their collective breaths while waiting for the other wingtip to drop.

Sillerman has already purchased the Las Vegas attraction Elvis-A-Rama, which he plans to close later this year in order to make way for his new Vegas venture, and Phase Two of his Elvis Takeover includes the demolition of Heartbreak Hotel, the128-room facility near Graceland that currently serves visitors to the King’s mansion.

In its place, Sillerman’s company CKX is planning to erect a self-contained Elvis City, which will include not one, but two 400-room luxury hotels, convention centers, restaurants, shops and theaters.

In addition, an old-fashioned bordello, tentatively named Hunk O’ Burnin’ Love, will be located through a super-secret entrance in the city’s Red Light District.

The next sound you hear may well be the lonely buzz of clippers shearing thousands of mangy sideburns as the Elvis wannabes, some of whom earn annual incomes in the six-figure range, clean up their acts and look for real jobs. (Marty Sherman)


A.) Uh-oh. Looks like no more Elvis bar mitzvahs.
B.) Does that mean I have to shave off MY mutton-chops?
C.) I bet that bastard Simon Cowell had something to do with this.






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The Real Thing

Here’s an upcoming Coke commercial with a fizzy new jingle written by Jack White.


A.) I'd love an icy cold Coke right now.
B.) I’m a Pepsi man, sorry.
C.) Drinking your own urine is very healthy.











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End of the world?
Hitchcock, Scorsese, Durst?
WTF? Seriously, what the fuck?

It’s in Variety, so it has to be true.

The useless Fred Durst from the unlistenable finally-broken-up Limp Bizkit has somehow grabbed a job as director for a budgeted $10 million flick, The Education of Charlie Banks.

Hang on, I’m hungover – let me double check this.

Damn, all true.

Jesse Eisenberg, the star of award-winning indie film The Squid and the Whale, will play Banks.

And um, Fred Durst is directing.

Wait a minute – let me quick pin an Adderall, slug a pot of coffee, and really focus here. I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Okay, I'm back.

I’ll be damned – that’s what they’re reporting in Variety.

Dumb ass is gonna direct a flick. Durst’s previous experience as a filmmaker is directing his horrible band’s videos and somehow he...

Fuck. There is no god, there is a god...I don't know anymore.

It’s news like this that makes me question everything.

The world is a sick fucking place, that’s for sure.


A.) Is Durst the talentless bald guy with the red backward ball cap?
B.) Yes, that's the douchebag.
C.) He can’t rap worth a crap.
A.) Look at you – rap star!
C.) Yes. And now I want to direct.
B.) Direct this.





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The Straight Poop from Washington...
Secretary of Defense Answers Critics

At a White House press conference late last week, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld answered charges by six U.S. Military Generals that he has mis-managed the war effort in Iraq.

Five of the six Generals, including former Head of Central Command Major General Anthony Zinni, have recently retired from military duty.

All of them believe that Rumsfeld should step down.

"Waging war is an art, not a science," said Rumsfeld when questioned.

"Hey, if you want to make an omelette you have to break a few eggs."

President Bush, who continues to support his Secretary of Defense, attended the press conference and was noticeably puzzled when Rumsfeld made the statement until a White House aide passed him a hand-written note that said:

"OMELETTE = WAR...BROKEN EGGS = DEAD PEOPLE."

The President then smiled and nodded knowingly in agreement.

Additionally, Rumsfeld is rumored to have requested that the title of Secretary of Defense be changed back to Secretary of War. The United States hasn’t had a Secretary of War since 1947, when the White House reorganized the Military into the Department of Defense.

Sources inside the White House say that the President is considering Rumsfeld’s request because "war" is easier to pronounce" than "defense."

- Marty Sherman





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