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March 29, 2006

 


SURFING THE BOOB TUBE

Marty Sherman Proves Once and For All That There’s Plenty of Crap to Watch Even Without Cable












8:05 pm
Furonda
...Brooke...Nnenna...Gina...Wendy...Molly Sue...Kari...Danielle...America’s Next Top Model.

Hmmmm.

This is the problem: when you get a bunch of women in the room, they never shut up. Are they hot? Sure, these are beautiful women, but they know it and that’s all they talk about. And somebody has to cry at some point. It always embarrasses me to see somebody cry in public.

*click*

Now to American Idol...oh, Lisa, she’s freakin’ hot. Can’t really sing all that great, but she’s cute. Randy’s keepin’ it real, while Paula’s sleepwalking through positive comments. Oh and Lisa's real short, too, ‘cuz I know that Seacrest prick is only about my height. Ohhhh (shuddering and drooling). Ohh! Cute little voice.

Now Ryan is arguing with Simon...do they have a real feud or is this all made up? They’re both dicks...they’re all dicks.

*click*

I don’t know what this is...oh, it’s Most Outrageous Television Moments on NBC, heh heh.

There’s a guy who looks like he’s playing a guitar with his penis. These are funny. I may have to watch this instead of everything else. Ha ha hah! A woman’s singing the National Anthem and making her boobs jump! Unbelievable! She’s very talented. I salute that! They’re not real boobs either, I don’t think. Sounds awful, though...

*click*

8:13pm
Also wrong with this Top Model thing is the only guys who’re on it are gay. I mean really, the only guys on this show are gay.

All models and a couple of gay guys. It’s unbelievable.

And they’re so...ha hah...they’re so serious about everything...Why these women try so hard to impress these guys just amazes me. Man. This episode is all about walking in clothing that’s hard to walk in, apparently...Danielle...Little Rock, Arkansas...thick, thick accent. Jade. There’s a bald black chick, too. Hmm. Gina...looks Korean or Japanese or something...There’s Danielle from Little Rock again...oh, man! She almost went right on her nose! Oh, God!...I mean, what are they trying to prove? That there’s clothes you can’t walk in? I don’t understand.

It’s like watching a giraffe get shot and go down...

*click*

This blonde country chick on American Idol is very cute. She’ll get a record deal. She will.

Kellie Pickler...there’s something almost naughty about her name and she’s very very cute.

Oh, what an ass!

Look at her from the back...tight tight jeans...ohhhhh (again with the shuddering, the drooling)...that pink frilly top...Damn, she’s cute and short, too. Boy-oh-boy! Holy, Kellie Pickler! 1-866-IDOL-02...I don’t know how to text vote message...don’t want to know.

*click*

Elephants attack people...A big pile of bales of hay falls on a family about to eat a picnic lunch and almost crushes them. Hilarious.

*click*

What the fuck?! She looks like goddamn Frankenstein or something! So this is the cockroach jewelry thing. The newest "fad"...giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches chained to your lapel with jewels glued to their back. Nice job, Danielle. If you keep your mouth shut you kinda remind me of Pam Grier. Furonda’s weird...they all look like freaks, FREAKS! Jade kissed the cockroach...turned everybody on. Me, too. It was weird, but somehow it worked. That girl from Florida can’t do it, ha Hah! You’d think she was getting stabbed the way she’s freaking out. Hah. Frightened, crying about the bug.

*click*

Some kind of action show on CBS...ahh, there’s so much to watch on Tuesdays. Everybody’s watching, I guess.

*click*

8:22pm
...A referee gets knocked out by one of the boxers...A skier...this is always trouble...he’s gonna do something stupid...Ohhhh, head first!

Ha ha, right into the snow, head first! Oh oh, gymnastics...Oh! Pulled her pants down...or up, or something...ohhh, right up her crack. I get it. I guess you could see her ass if you were there in person...hah...

*click*

The gray haired guy’s singing on American Idol. Nobody’s any good this year, these guys all suck...Taylor...how gay a name is Taylor? For a singer, I guess it works...It’s funny, they’re showing celebrities in the crowd...but they’re just singers who used to be on Idol, but lost. And they have to put they’re names on the screen so you’ll remember who they are...

*click*

That show with Jim Belushi is on ABC. I’ve never seen this show all the way through before. After two minutes I realize why: there’s not enough screen time for the hot MILFs. And everywhere else, there’s fat guys.

*click*

8:39pm
The Gilmore Girls
on the WB. Way too much story.

*click*

And I don’t even know what this is on the Spanish Channel...Who cares? If you give it some time there’ll eventually be midgets and hot women with almost no clothes on.

*click*

See, I told you, the bitch is crying. Now we gotta watch somebody crying on this Top Model show. Always happens. And then they sit around in their pajamas and talk about how rough their life is right now...boo hoo. This shit is so cheap to produce, it’s amazing somebody didn’t think of this before.

*click*

Mandeesa. Kinda looks like she ate a man. She’s a big girl. Nice smile, though and she must have sung a good song. I missed it ‘cuz I was watching something else. Oh, well.

*click*

Tara Reid. Wheeew. God, she’s hot. This must be Scrubs. Lot of cute kids in this, too, but I can’t watch it for some reason.

*click*

Regis Philbin’s on Faith and Hope with Kelly Rippa. Guest star.

*click*

Now they're dressing these models up like characters from fairy tales...oh, man. Incredibly hot! Molly is Little Boy Blue. And they’re making them fall into a pillow over and over again.

Hah hah! Why don’t you just whip your weiner out and smack ‘em on the forehead? Ha hah ha ha.

And now she’s crying because he accused her of not trying very hard. Molly Sue’s feelings are all hurt. Leslie’s the Big Bad Wolf falling into the pillow. It’s amazing, you’d think you’d get tired of watching these girls fall into the pillow, but you just don’t. Oh, this girl, she looks good like that. Danielle. Did they cut her hair? She’s Snow White. Holy Cow. Changed it to Snow Black. Maann! That looks good. From every angle. The Asian chick’s scared again. Hope she’s not gonna cry. Well, maybe she should cry. She’s Sleeping Beauty.

I guess they’re done falling into the pillow thing, so I’m gonna watch something else.

*click*

8:47pm
Bald-headed guy just sang on American Idol.

*click*

Carmen Electra for Max Factor commercial...

*click*

Oh, there’s Sally Struthers on Gilmore Girls. She’s with a couple of other women even fatter than she is. I guess they’re supposed to make her not look so fat. Hah. I guess.

*click*

Kelly Rippa...she’s pretty hot, too. For an old broad...another MILF. Regis just made a Liberace joke. Maybe I’ll watch this for a minute.

*click*

Hmmm. I see CBS and FOX are both showing the same commercial at the exact same time...H3..I can time it and go back and forth...I try and see it forever, and ever...Like Nothing Else. Hummer.

That advertising is a sick and evil thing.

*click*

Another walking test for the models with some very difficult shoes to walk in. What? Are they training them to be strippers? It looks like the one thing the Asian chick can do is walk in really tall and clunky shoes. She did it perfectly. This white chick’s pretty good at walking in those things, too. Whooa! Danielle was doing fine, then she almost hit the deck. Whoa. She could break an ankle. She looked good going off, though...Ohhh! She did fall! Hit the deck! Hah hah.

She’s crawling on her hands and knees. Apparently she turned both ankles somehow.

*click*

Bucky. Bucky Covington. He had to have sang him a country western song. Hey, Bucky. Thank yew. Oh, this is the real young girl, I think. Paris Bennet. She’s cute. What are we watching now, Marty? This is American Idol, dummy, not America’s Next Top Model.

*click*

Oooh, that Kelly Rippa looks goood (more shuddering and drooling here). She’s a freakin’ MILF and a half. Man, she’s in good shape. Jeezus. And look at that little ankle tattoo. She looks great in that dress.

*click*

8:56pm
They’re getting drunk on the Gilmore Girls...

*click*

Uh, oh. Who’s gonna be the dead one today. Tyra always says "You’re still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model."

Well, apparently the chubby white blonde girl isn’t anymore...

*click*

A.) Television is the worst.
B.) What are you talking about? TV is great!
C.) I watched bowling on ESPN Classic last night.






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