Fast Food for Slow Pokes! Quick, get grandma and grandpa on the horn. Tell them and their friends that Arby’s now features Joan Rivers and Hulk Hogan look-alikes on TV to sell their new Wrinkled Wroast Beef sandwich. Who will the geniuses at Arby's use next? Phyllis Diller and Charles Nelson Reilly? Christine Jorgensenand Cantinflas? We don’t know; we don’t care. Arby’s latest ad campaign stars an emaciated “Hulk,” unfunny and annoying while their “Joan” is fat and also unfunny and annoying in commercials obviously pitched, written, and produced by people on crack. Really strong crack.
A.) I liked Arby’s “wife in fishnets” commercials and the fish sandwich, too. B.) Don’t make fun of my grandma and grandpa, fuckhead—they’re dead.
C.) Just smoked some crack. I like the Christine Jorgensen/Cantinflas idea.
Livin’ In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida Loca! Glad to hear Pearl Jam has a new disc out in March; that’s another $15 that stays in my pocket. Not going to say we’re not Pearl Jam fans but we’re not Pearl Jam fans. Yes, the band is popular and has sold nearly 60 million albums worldwide but we hate them anyway because we hate overwrought rock of any kind. Especially overwrought rock fronted by a shoe gazing oversinger like Eddie Vedder. Good heart, bad pipes. Oh, don’t get us wrong—we don’t hate them hate them, we wish them well, of course—but just the mere thought of even accidentally hearing anything from their new album makes the ears bleed. Fuck. See what I mean? Blood.
A.) Fuck you, pal, Pearl Jam rocks. B.) The first single is World Wide Suicide. Fuck. Blood. C.) Wow, your ears really are bleeding. Take my hankie...please.
Drugs? You’re Soaking in Them! The official cause of death for actor Chris Penn is in. He left the planet because of an enlarged heart—1.55 pounds-- overtaxed by the drug buffet in his system: weed, codeine, Valium, morphine, and antihistamine. Plus the guy weighed 280 pounds, had a long history of drug abuse, and was totally blasted at his time of death.
Thank god for small victories; dude died at home in bed.
A.) Seemed like a good guy—certainly a decent actor. B.) Whoa, I’ve never tried antihistamine. How is it? C.) Taking drugs is a tricky business.