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March 14, 2006

 
Diamonds, Clubs, Hearts & Spades!
A Great Deal for Detroit!

With the back-to-back successes of the MLB All-Star game and the Super Bowl behind us; get ready for Detroit to shine like it’s never shone before: The American Contract Bridge League (ACBL) is coming to town for their Spring championships.

More than 10,000 bridge players from all over the world will descend on the D for 10 days from March 6 – 16, 2008 to play bridge.

Or shoot bridge or whatever it’s called.

While we enjoy the manly ingenuity of high-stakes poker or the pure simplicity of War, we admit to having no clue on how bridge is played and don’t know anyone that does.

To be honest, because we're immature we’ve always thought the game to be gay.

Gentlemen and ladies, those days are over.

We’re told it will bring $10 million to our region, so no matter how pissy Musty and Toku get, we're taking bridge lessons and that's fucking that.


A.) How about a bowling tournament...oops, I dropped a pierogi.
B.) An eight is higher than a six, right?
C.) Hit me. No, I don’t want a card. Hit me.


#


He takes vagina for granted!
Michael Douglas Disses the Pitts!

Silver screen superstar Michael Douglas is shrugging and doesn’t get it. He can’t understand why Brad Pitt would dump Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie.

He's all about the Jennifer. He thinks Brad is nuts.

Douglas, married to the genuinely annoying Catherine Zeta Jones, tells GQ magazine, "I don't know about Brad Pitt...leaving that beautiful woman to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean...how long is that going to last?"

We don't know and we don't care.

Oh, that's not true--we wish them well.


A.) Douglas and Pitt are both fruitcups, if you ask me.
B.) On vacation in Hollywood, I saw Pat Sajak.
C.) Hit me again.


#


Monte Melnick--Coolest Name Ever?
Ramones: The True Story

There's probably something wrong with you if you don't love the Ramones. They're right up there with the Beatles, we dig 'em the most.

Released today is a new Monte Melnick/Tommy Ramone produced DVD, Ramones: The True Story. We haven’t seen it but we did read Melnick’s hilarious account as road manager for the band, On the Road with the Ramones, and it’s one of the more insightful and funnier books available on the brothers.

On one of its pages, Melnick recalls the crew making an early gas station stop in rural Texas.

After filling the tank, Melnick walked into the store where Johnny, Joey, Dee Dee, and Tommy were picking out sodas and candy bars.

On the way out, the old clerk pulled him aside and whispered, “Mister, it sure is nice of you to take care of those retarded boys.”

Along with Melnick, the disc features Tommy Ramone, Arturo Vega, CBGB punk mogul Hilly Kristal, and previously unreleased broadcast interviews with Joey, Dee Dee, and Johnny Ramone.


A.) The Ramones are the goddamn best.
B.) Too bad most of them are dead.
C.) No one could count to four like they could.


#


artlyzak@ladybombescorts.com

CoMMents:
You know, Pat Sajak happens to be a close friend of mine (that's not his real hair, by the way) and he coincidentally lives right around the corner from the Jolie-Pitts. One night we were drinking and playing strip Jenga with Pat's wife and Vanna White - a very tasty dish, I might add - she's vegetarian and as a long time rug muncher I can tell you that it makes a HUGE difference. We heard some noise from outside...car doors slamming, shouting, horns blowing...the whole ball of wax. Well, come to find out that Brad came home to find Angelina in bed with another chick and blew his friggin' stack. By the time we could see what was going on, Brad was waving a gun in the air and shouting "So it's pussy you want, bitch? I'LL show you some PUSSY!" After unloading a couple of rounds in the sky, Brad hopped on his motorcycle and sped away. Of course, the police arrived and left, and no complaints or reports were filed. Not even the Enquirer is hip to this story.

Anyway, long story short, it seems Brad doesn't know a good thing when he sees it. Personally, both Angelina and Jennifer seem a little to tight-assed for me. Yep, give me Vanna,a fifth of Hennesy, some mellow smoke and a hand held video camera and I'd show that punk how to party.

Hit ME, dude!
 
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