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March 20, 2006

 
coming attractions
V for Vagina!
easily slides in at number one


While exact figures aren’t in yet, it looks like the Wachowski brothers—Larry and Andy, makers of the mind-bending Matrix trinity—have another hit on their hands with their latest flick, V for Vendetta. The dark tale took in a smidge over $26 million.

Andy Wachowski celebrated with family, friends, and champagne while transgendered brother, Larry, flew to Brazil and had three new vaginas installed, one below each back shoulder blade, and one in the lower neck beneath the back of his head.

Vagina is considered by many heterosexual men to be the best female organ ever.

Perplexing, exciting, versatile…this pink tunnel of love means many things to many people.


A.) Can’t read the blog right now, I’m engaged in cunnilingus.
B.) Hi, I’m trisexual. I do guys, chicks, and cheap lunchmeat.
C.) Some guys can’t get enough vagina.


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our ‘vendetta’ coverage continues…


marty sherman, our reporter in los angeles,
saw the film made by the wacky polish brothers
while quietly eating unbuttered popcorn.

here’s his take on the extravaganza.



Bust Your Conk!
...................with Marty Sherman


V FOR VODKA

I caught the first matinee at the Magic Johnson Theatre over on Marlton Avenue on Saturday, and the room was empty except for me, some ten-odd geeks and an assorted freak or two, lured in by the sweet promise of the newest comic book to film adaptation, V For Vendetta.

The crowd was noticeably absent of women. Definitely not a chick flick, but I have to say the dorks were a very polite and considerate crowd to watch a movie with. No talking, no gum cracking, no slurping or munching and not a single cell phone rang the whole time.

There had to be five commercials and eight or nine movie trailers before the movie, though, and by the time it started, my three screwdriver buzz was wearing off.

In retrospect I should have ordered doubles.

Anyway, I’d like to be able to tell you that I managed to stay awake until the end, especially because this was my first review assignment, but I just can’t. I drifted off to the lonely echo of Julie London singing Cry Me A River, which was playing on the vintage Wurlitzer jukebox at V’s houssssszzzzzzzz...zzzzz....zzz....zzzzz....zzzzz...


V FOR VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

But boy-oh-boy that Natalie Portman! Was she ever great as V’s helper! Even though the brown-eyed beauty never sheds her clothes, we do get to see her dressed like a little school girl while posing as a hooker. Whew! And I knew from the TV trailer that she cut her hair off, but I didn’t realize that we were actually going to see the brutal shearing in the movie. Oh, Baybee! What? I enjoyed it.

Anyway, I guess that’s why this flick probably won’t draw a lot of women to see it. V, the hero, wears the same stupid mask through the whole movie and we never see his face! Ever!

The rest of the male cast? British. Over forty. Bad teeth.


V FOR VICODIN

The plot is compelling and kind of scary if you can understand the heavy Brit accents, but don’t expect to see some kind of action movie based on the number of explosions featured in the trailer they are showing on the tube. I found it all a little slow and pretty much forgettable.

Compared to the transsexual soap opera of the Wachowski brothers and the refusal of writer Alan Moore to allow his name on the finished product, the movie itself is downright dull.

There were good parts...the fight scene during the finale was almost worth the price of admission, but by the time it came around my butt was numb and there were pains shooting down my right leg from sciatica.

Thank god I have some pain killers in the glove box, I thought as I limped out to the car.


A.) Alan Moore knows the score.
B.) You wouldn’t know a good movie if you saw one, dipstick.
C.) Trailer - Four Stars, Movie - Two Stars.



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artlyzak@ladybombescorts.com

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