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March 31, 2006
On The Road With Pat and Marty
One Tank Trip
Now that I’m commuting from LA to Detroit, I thought I’d ask my buddy Pat Sajak
to come on a visit and help me scope out a house to buy.
I’m tired of staying in hotels, even though LadyBomb picks up the tab.
It took a lot of work on my part, but as soon as I mentioned second-hand Super Bowl XL
junk, he relented.
We arrived at Metro on Friday at 6 and checked into our room in the RenCen before heading to Greek Town via the PeopleMover to eat and gamble. Pat was up two-and-a-half playing blackjack and I was a little over breaking even at the craps table by the time we both got bored and wished they had some real entertainment at these Detroit casinos.
You know, like those old time Vegas acts: Sinatra
, Sonny & Cher
, Tom Jones
I had a brochure of "One Tank Trips" in Michigan that pointed us towards my home town, Jackson.
"Oh, yeah," I said. "It’s the birthplace of the Republican Party!"
We cruised down I-94 in our rented Ford Focus
, exited at Elm St. and turned south, towards downtown.
"Jackson in a nutshell," I said as I pointed out landmarks, most of which were party stores.
We pulled up to Keeder’s Show Bar
, at the corner of Elm and Page Ave., and parked the car.
Just what I like...no valet, no doorman, no COVER CHARGE. Pat and I strolled in to the sounds of Nelly
on the jukebox. Paradise
was dancing and I was damned happy to have found this place.
It was a dive, but a glorious one. I ordered a Patron
"We only have 1800
," she said with a gurgle.
"That’ll do," I said, "and a Corona with lime."
"No Corona," she wheezed.
"Labatt?" I asked.
"Yes, cough, hack!"
Pat ordered the same. We toasted our luck as Entyce
approached and gave us each the $1 dance, easily the best bargain in America. I can’t speak for Pat, but I stiffened and relaxed at the same time.
I slipped two bucks between her boobs and an extra down below.
I looked around and Pat was making his own home movie over in the back...
Girls...tattoos...smelly bathroom...$10...hand- crafted antique wooden bar...EXPENSIVE...girls dancing off the jukebox...PRICELESS...
Six rounds later we were fighting the traffic, the wind and night blindness as I steered our dumb asses back to the hotel.
A.) That’s sounds pretty lowlife to me, bro.
B.) Don’t drink and drive, man.
C.) Hi Mom! Can you bail me out?##
pop singer with two first names pays price...
George Michael Joint Woes
nice bud--who's got a photo of some rolling papers?
Pray it doesn't come to this, but since cops in England found weed and another drug in his car a month back, it may be curtains for George Michael's
love affair with American soil.
He may be barred entry to the U.S. forever!
Our immigration department frowns on letting drug users into these United States, because we must first be sure to have enough dope for our own citizens.
Every day as more Americans bend and snap because of this and that (wine, women, war, whatever...) we need more and more drugs.
Pharmaceutical, homemade, smoked, snorted, injected...we don't care.
We are the United States of America--the greatest drug users on earth!
And thank god we have oceans upon oceans of alcohol in case we run short of drugs.
Of course, money and mea culpas go a long way when you’re a celebrity, and washed up or not, Michael still makes blog headlines, hubba hubba.
But just in case sorries and moolah ain't enough, a team of lawyers is already working on a solid Plan B:
Banish Carrot Top
to England & let George in.
A.) Yes, that may work. Send the flag up the pole; see if anyone salutes.
B.) In France, Carrot Top is considered heir to the Jerry Lewis throne.
C.) What a coincidence, I'm drinking muscatel...oops, I puked on myself, fuck.
Heady stuff from Marty ShermanMOON VIEWS EARN NEWS
Earlier this month, a spacecraft on a joint US-European mission to the planet Saturn sent live pictures which support the theory that life may exist on Enceladus, one of the planet’s thirty-four named moons.
Geysers similar to those at Yellowstone Park were photographed erupting into the atmosphere, which led scientists to theorize that a pressurized layer of water fueled by a molten interior (much like on our planet, Earth) could produce an environment that would support the existence of microbial life.
According to my sources at the Miami Herald
, South Florida real estate agent Manuel Diggis
was recently contacted by Heat
center, Shaquille O’Neal
, who hoped to acquire property on "one of the moon’s oceans".
The only stipulation to the deal was that the All Star wouldn’t have to vacation next to property owned by Madonna
or Kobe Bryant
"They both get on my last nerve," said O’Neal.
A.) Astrology is a stone gas!
B.) My sister drives a Saturn and she loves it.
C.) There goes the neighborhood!##
Before Coffee...Naomi Needs Jeans, Maid in Stitches!
Supermodel Naomi Campbell
, running late for an Oprah
appearance, asked her housekeeper Velma
(as good a name as any) to fetch her favorite jeans.
A limo sat outside waiting, the driver checking his wristwatch every few minutes.
Where were the jeans, damn it? Velma couldn't find them. Naomi fumed.
Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. Naoimi called Oprah, told her she couldn't find her jeans, hung up and started crying...crying like she had never cried before.
Her cries turned to anger.
She grabbed her cell phone and whipped it at the back of Velma's head. It may have been one of those RAZR phones because blood gushed from the maid's head...rivers of it...so much that when police came to the scene, one of the cops slipped and fell hitting his head on the floor.
Velma went to the hospital for stitches. As did the cop.
What happens next is anyone's guess, because when all is said and done--this was researched and reported before coffee.
Mmm, I can smell it brewing.
Okay, coffee's ready...stay tuned.
A.) Drink some quick, dude, you sound fuzzy.
B.) Yeah, he's probably hungover from drinking with big shot Marty Sherman.
C.) Pray Naomi, Velma, and the cop are all right.
March 30, 2006
New iPod XTreme is Fantastic!
New technology keeps blowing minds, whew!
Apple’s new iPod XTreme
is finally in stores and it’s as impressive as its advance reviews have been reporting.
While the nine pound car battery sized player may seem cumbersome at first, one has to just listen for awhile...the weight is worth it. It snugly fits in any good-sized indestructable back pack or large duffle bag.
The news gets even better: The iPod XTreme
contains every recording ever made.
That's right, every single song and sound ever recorded--including outtakes, demos, and conversations.
This morning a writer listened to Asian pan flute music (Kahzi Ruhito’s Pad Thai Symphony
) followed it up with American hard rock (Starship
’s We Built This City
) and then heard a retarded kid sing Happy Birthday
to a squirrel in Des Moines, Iowa. The boy's Grandpa recorded it.
The dudes and chicks at Apple are geniuses.
While the iPod XTreme
is a terrific deal at $699, we opted for the $799 model--the iPod Xtreme X2
—which has the capability to play one song in your left ear and another in your right.
During lunch at a Mexican restaurant, it was Iranian folk music (Snakes on a Plain
by Renti Betossgh
) on one side and Asian pan flute music (Bangkok Walls' Thai Me Up, Thai Me Down
) on the other.
Some writers love Asian pan flute music.
The headphones are a little tinny but a small cotton wad tucked into each ear canal before putting the phones on solves that problem.
You need the iPod XTreme
…buy it today.
A.) Sounds like the writer loves the skin flute, too.
B.) You gonna start with the gay jokes now?
A.) Hey, I'm just...
B.) I know what you're doing. You're starting with the gay jokes.
A.) Okay, so what? Big deal...you have no sense of humor. Relax.
B.) I have a terrific sense of humor, in fact...
C.) Hey, what's going on here?
B.) Nothing, what's up?
C.) After work let's buy some crack then blow each other.
A.) Sounds good.
B.) Great idea. Lemme call the wife, tell her I'll be late.
C.) You are so pussy whipped.
B.) Hey, gimme a break. I love my wife.
A.) Yeah, she's a good woman. B is a lucky letter.
C.) Yeah, I guess so. I'll see you two later at the crackhouse.
A.) Bring money, you cheap fuck.
B.) Yeah, and condoms.
A.) Ha, ha, ha, that letter C is something else.
B.) Ha, he sure is. Good letter, though.
marty sherman spinning
Stripper Anthem Will Be Song of Summer ‘06Catchy Hip-Hop Tune Speaks Truth, Spits Rhymes
Face it guys. We’ve all been there.
I’ll bet even now, after just reading that title, you’re imagining the one dancer that you knew better than the other dancers. Maybe her name was Angel
, or Mocha
, or Misty
You know, the one who changed your strip club routine to conform to her shift. At whatever bar she was working.
The one that you thought couldn’t possibly be crazy.
You thought she really connected with you, liked you for who you were and not for the money. Maybe she even let you buy her a dinner or two before crushing you. Maybe some shrimp on the barbie and king crab legs at Outback
(to the tune of eighty bucks)...oh, and baby loved her some Red Lobster
...couldn’t get enough seafood...God, I miss that girl...sweet ass...I loved her laugh...and her ass...cute little Baby Phat
logo tattooed on her right cheek kinda blurry...Baby Phat was her favorite brand.
I gotta tell ya, she looked great in those jeans.
Sweet, sweet ass...itty-bitty beautifully-shaped boobs...oh, and did I mention the ass?
Anyway, if you’re like me, I’m N Luv (Wit A Stripper)
featuring Mike Jones
will bring back sweet memories of drunken erections, spilled drinks and the crazy, mixed-up smell of cigarettes, perfume and pussy.
The newest re-mix of what I pick to be this summer’s biggest hit, will be available in stores on Tuesday and will feature guest performances by R. Kelly
, Kanye West
featuring 50 Cent
, Ja Rule
, MC Nas-D
, Nas Escobar
, Nas-T Boyz
, The Beastie Boys
, Men Without Hats
, Ice Cube
, Ice MC
, MC EZ
, MC Hammer
, MC Lyte
, LL Cool J
, Dr. Dre
, The D.O.C.
, Queen Latifah
, DJ King
, DJ Ace
, Too Short
, Uncle Luke
, De La Soul
, Digital Underground
, A Tribe Called Quest
, Public Enemy
A.) I heard that Biggie and Tupac had some new shit for this, too!
B.) Verily and forsooth...I, too, am in love with a stripper.
C.) I forgot to mention she could drink me under the table. I loved her.#
wading in wacky weird waters...Cause of Death: Marriage
Nutty movie director John Waters
(Pink Flamingoes, Hairspray, Shawshank Redemption
) is developing a show for Court TV
. The comedy, ‘Til Death Do Us Part
, will dramatize the ups and downs of a married couple until the downs outweigh the ups and one kills the other.
Waters will appear as the groom reaper
(funny name, wearing fast), a surprise guest at a loving couple's wedding, and then take us through the marriage as love fades…
Only to be replaced by drinking, screaming, cheating, murderous thoughts, and then inevitably killing the bitch.
Or the bastard, if the shoe’s on the other foot.
No shooting sked or premiere date yet.
For all I know it could have just been an idea bounced about in a VIP room over top-shelf champagne and toot.
And frankly, dear readers...I don't give a damn.
Just kidding. I care a lot.
Too much probably.
John Waters is my idol.
And I own stock in Court TV.
Oh, who am I trying to kid...I'm a dancing monkey.
Waters stinks, there aren't any stocks.
I don't even have a TV.
I'm a dancing monkey...your dancing monkey.
A.) Guilty as charged! What? I don't know why I said that.
B.) I'd like to give it to Judge Judy good--real good.
C.) That reminds me: I've got to pay the "urinating in public" ticket I got in Sarasota.#
tell me everything...firstname.lastname@example.org#
March 29, 2006
Sir Walter Raleigh, stupid git?CAPITOL RECORDS TELLS BEATLES: "BUTT OUT"
Do-gooders at Capitol Records have airbrushed cigarettes from the original photo featured on the front cover of the new Beatles
' four-CD box, The Capitol Albums, Vol. 2.
Since the Beatles are so powerful, just seeing a picture of them with lit fags might make impressionable types light up.
And there will be no smoking allowed while listening to the box set either.
Capitol will also Photoshop the fabs with fancy Tommy Hilfiger
threads to give them a hip hop flava, and change the drummer’s name to Blingo
A.) And they airbrushed shoes on Paul on Abbey Road.
B.) And they still haven't remastered the Beatles' catalogue.
C.) And George died from smoking cigarettes.
#Simon, Sage, Rosemary, and Eno?
New album for Paul Simon
in the bins on May 9. Produced by Eno
--the guy that’s too good for his old band, Roxy Music
--the long player is called Surprise
and includes guest appearances by jazz pianist Herbie Hancock
, and guitarist Bill Frisell
Paul Simon and Eno? Three thumbs up.
Five days after its release, the singer appears on Saturday Night Live to play a pair of the fresh cuts.
A.) If the hearing aid battery is delivered by then, I’ll give it a listen.
B.) Can you smoke while you listen to it?
C.) What happened to Garfunkel?
SURFING THE BOOB TUBEMarty Sherman Proves Once and For All That There’s Plenty of Crap to Watch Even Without Cable
...America’s Next Top Model.
This is the problem: when you get a bunch of women in the room, they never shut up. Are they hot? Sure, these are beautiful women, but they know it and that’s all they talk about. And somebody has to cry at some point. It always embarrasses me to see somebody cry in public.
Now to American Idol
, she’s freakin’ hot. Can’t really sing all that great, but she’s cute. Randy
’s keepin’ it real, while Paula
’s sleepwalking through positive comments. Oh and Lisa's real short, too, ‘cuz I know that Seacrest
prick is only about my height. Ohhhh (shuddering and drooling). Ohh! Cute little voice.
is arguing with Simon
...do they have a real feud or is this all made up? They’re both dicks...they’re all dicks.
I don’t know what this is...oh, it’s Most Outrageous Television Moments
, heh heh.
There’s a guy who looks like he’s playing a guitar with his penis. These are funny. I may have to watch this instead of everything else. Ha ha hah! A woman’s singing the National Anthem and making her boobs jump! Unbelievable! She’s very talented. I salute that! They’re not real boobs either, I don’t think. Sounds awful, though...
Also wrong with this Top Model thing is the only guys who’re on it are gay. I mean really, the only guys on this show are gay.
All models and a couple of gay guys. It’s unbelievable.
And they’re so...ha hah...they’re so serious about everything...Why these women try so hard to impress these guys just amazes me. Man. This episode is all about walking in clothing that’s hard to walk in, apparently...Danielle...Little Rock, Arkansas...thick, thick accent. Jade. There’s a bald black chick, too. Hmm. Gina...looks Korean or Japanese or something...There’s Danielle from Little Rock again...oh, man! She almost went right on her nose! Oh, God!...I mean, what are they trying to prove? That there’s clothes you can’t walk in? I don’t understand.
It’s like watching a giraffe get shot and go down...
This blonde country chick on American Idol is very cute. She’ll get a record deal. She will.Kellie Pickler...
there’s something almost naughty about her name and she’s very very cute.
Oh, what an ass!
Look at her from the back...tight tight jeans...ohhhhh (again with the shuddering, the drooling)...that pink frilly top...Damn, she’s cute and short, too. Boy-oh-boy! Holy, Kellie Pickler! 1-866-IDOL-02...I don’t know how to text vote message...don’t want to know.
Elephants attack people...A big pile of bales of hay falls on a family about to eat a picnic lunch and almost crushes them. Hilarious.
What the fuck?! She looks like goddamn Frankenstein
or something! So this is the cockroach jewelry thing. The newest "fad"...giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches chained to your lapel with jewels glued to their back. Nice job, Danielle. If you keep your mouth shut you kinda remind me of Pam Grier
. Furonda’s weird...they all look like freaks, FREAKS! Jade kissed the cockroach...turned everybody on. Me, too. It was weird, but somehow it worked. That girl from Florida can’t do it, ha Hah! You’d think she was getting stabbed the way she’s freaking out. Hah. Frightened, crying about the bug.
Some kind of action show on CBS
...ahh, there’s so much to watch on Tuesdays. Everybody’s watching, I guess.
...A referee gets knocked out by one of the boxers...A skier...this is always trouble...he’s gonna do something stupid...Ohhhh, head first!
Ha ha, right into the snow, head first! Oh oh, gymnastics...Oh! Pulled her pants down...or up, or something...ohhh, right up her crack. I get it. I guess you could see her ass if you were there in person...hah...
The gray haired guy’s singing on American Idol. Nobody’s any good this year, these guys all suck...Taylor
...how gay a name is Taylor? For a singer, I guess it works...It’s funny, they’re showing celebrities in the crowd...but they’re just singers who used to be on Idol, but lost. And they have to put they’re names on the screen so you’ll remember who they are...
That show with Jim Belushi
is on ABC.
I’ve never seen this show all the way through before. After two minutes I realize why: there’s not enough screen time for the hot MILFs. And everywhere else, there’s fat guys.
The Gilmore Girls
on the WB
. Way too much story.
And I don’t even know what this is on the Spanish Channel...Who cares? If you give it some time there’ll eventually be midgets and hot women with almost no clothes on.
See, I told you, the bitch is crying. Now we gotta watch somebody crying on this Top Model show. Always happens. And then they sit around in their pajamas and talk about how rough their life is right now...boo hoo. This shit is so cheap to produce, it’s amazing somebody didn’t think of this before.
. Kinda looks like she ate a man. She’s a big girl. Nice smile, though and she must have sung a good song. I missed it ‘cuz I was watching something else. Oh, well.
. Wheeew. God, she’s hot. This must be Scrubs
. Lot of cute kids in this, too, but I can’t watch it for some reason.
’s on Faith and Hope
with Kelly Rippa
. Guest star.
Now they're dressing these models up like characters from fairy tales...oh, man. Incredibly hot! Molly is Little Boy Blue. And they’re making them fall into a pillow over and over again.
Hah hah! Why don’t you just whip your weiner out and smack ‘em on the forehead? Ha hah ha ha.
And now she’s crying because he accused her of not trying very hard. Molly Sue’s feelings are all hurt. Leslie’s the Big Bad Wolf falling into the pillow. It’s amazing, you’d think you’d get tired of watching these girls fall into the pillow, but you just don’t. Oh, this girl, she looks good like that. Danielle. Did they cut her hair? She’s Snow White. Holy Cow. Changed it to Snow Black. Maann! That looks good. From every angle. The Asian chick’s scared again. Hope she’s not gonna cry. Well, maybe she should cry. She’s Sleeping Beauty.
I guess they’re done falling into the pillow thing, so I’m gonna watch something else.
Bald-headed guy just sang on American Idol.
for Max Factor
Oh, there’s Sally Struthers
on Gilmore Girls. She’s with a couple of other women even fatter than she is. I guess they’re supposed to make her not look so fat. Hah. I guess.
Kelly Rippa...she’s pretty hot, too. For an old broad...another MILF. Regis just made a Liberace
joke. Maybe I’ll watch this for a minute.
Hmmm. I see CBS
are both showing the same commercial at the exact same time...H3..I can time it and go back and forth...I try and see it forever, and ever...Like Nothing Else. Hummer
That advertising is a sick and evil thing.
Another walking test for the models with some very difficult shoes to walk in. What? Are they training them to be strippers? It looks like the one thing the Asian chick can do is walk in really tall and clunky shoes. She did it perfectly. This white chick’s pretty good at walking in those things, too. Whooa! Danielle was doing fine, then she almost hit the deck. Whoa. She could break an ankle. She looked good going off, though...Ohhh! She did fall! Hit the deck! Hah hah.
She’s crawling on her hands and knees. Apparently she turned both ankles somehow.
Bucky. Bucky Covington
. He had to have sang him a country western song. Hey, Bucky. Thank yew. Oh, this is the real young girl, I think. Paris Bennet
. She’s cute. What are we watching now, Marty? This is American Idol, dummy, not America’s Next Top Model.
Oooh, that Kelly Rippa looks goood (more shuddering and drooling here). She’s a freakin’ MILF and a half. Man, she’s in good shape. Jeezus. And look at that little ankle tattoo. She looks great in that dress.
They’re getting drunk on the Gilmore Girls...
Uh, oh. Who’s gonna be the dead one today. Tyra always says "You’re still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model."
Well, apparently the chubby white blonde girl isn’t anymore...
A.) Television is the worst.
B.) What are you talking about? TV is great!
C.) I watched bowling on ESPN Classic last night.
March 28, 2006
bust your conk with marty shermanGADZOOKS! GOOD NEWS!! QUATLOOS LOSE!!!
Regular readers will know by now, that Pat Sajak
and I go waaaaaay back. From now on, I’ll refer to my good friend and drinkin’ buddy as merely "Pat" or "Pat S." just to save some skin on these worked-to-the-bone digits of mine.
Good news in the "Bet Your Bottom Quatloo" Dept...
After striking out with the MAJOR majors on Friday, it looked like Pat and I were shit-out-of-luck in the game show biz. FOX
expressed no interest in our Sci-Fi game show concept.
We had one more meeting with BET
The drive across town in my Mini Cooper
convertible was brutal as Pat pissed and moaned about the money.
"Listen, man, if you th’ow ‘nuff shit ‘gainst the wall, some of it bound to stick," I said while giving him a hearty laugh and a knowing wink. That got a smile out of Pat just as we slid into a parking spot at the end of the BET
Long story short...they bought the concept...with a few changes, of course.
Let’s just say that BET
inked a contract with SURE-JACK PRODUCTIONS
(a cleverly twisted amalgam of mine and Pat’s last names...Get it? SUREman and SaJACK?...Jack wanted to call it SAY-MAN, but we voted amongst family and he lost) to produce eight episodes of the series "Clockin’ Dolluhs".
Loosely based on "Bet Your Bottom Quatloo," "...Dolluhs" will be the first combination game show / reality show and, instead of Sci-Fi trivia questions, it will feature questions about music and entertainment in general with a focus on Hip-Hop and Rap.
Contestants will live together for a month while answering trivia questions at all hours of the day or night. Each will be removed from the running by a combination of test scores and audience voting until one is left standing to "clock" all the "dolluhs!".
A flurry of phone calls produced scheduled appearances by G-Unit
, Kanye West
, Obie Trice
, Digital Underground
and Gwen Stefani
, among others.
Pat and I get Co-Producer credits.
Look for our newest project: A website with all the jokes of the Western World catalogued for easy access. JOKE-A-HOLIC.COM will feature every joke ever told in the English language separated into categories and cross-referenced by the name of the comedian who first performed and/or wrote the joke.
Coming soon to an Internet near you.
A.) Hey, can I get a book of them jokes?
B.) 106 and PARK is my favorite show. Will you be on there?
C.) Would SOMEBODY tell me what a QUATLOO is?!##
We saw her love tunnel in Basic Instinct...
Sharon Stone: Teen Blow Jobs Okay
knows how to work it. In promoting her new flick, Basic Instinct 2
, Stone is saying whatever comes off the top of her head.
With the movie opening right up the road, she wants headlines and knows how to get them.
Smart money says Stone scored a nice back end deal on Basic Instinct 2
DVD sales, and she ain’t showin' that vag onscreen again, so let’s make some movie promo magic.
In England to sell tickets, the still stunning 48-year-old told a British newspaper.
"Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex. I tell them oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."
A.) Got it. If she wants to screw me, I'll blow her instead.
B.) She uses a stunt vagina in the new movie.
C.) Cant read the blog right now; I’m spitting semen into a kleenex.#"I like bananas because they have appeal."Lucky Bastard in New Monkey Film
Because of the popularity of King Kong
, Benicio Del Toro
will star in Gorilla
, a movie based on the life of Ernesto "Che" Guevara
, a man we are embarrassed to say we know nothing about.
While we hate to assume, Guevara may be a similar character to the one Jack Black
played in King Kong though we haven’t seen that flick yet either, sorry.
Del Toro won an Oscar for his part in 2000's Traffic
, and then he immediately nailed Scarlett Johansson
in an elevator after receiving the award.
Going up, going down, indeed.
Shooting begins in Mexico next month.
A.) Cheetah is still my favorite monkey.
B.) Che Guevara is a Marxist revolutionary, dimwit.
C.) I wonder if Michael Jackson still pines for Bubbles.##
Her dad’s got big $$$$$$Tori Spelling’s New TV Show!
Hollywood beauty to play self
Lord knows we watch bad television--we’re reality show fans, for god's sake--but we’re going to have to take a powder on so noTORIous
with Tori Spelling
playing a fictionalized version of herself.
Tori’s daddy, Aaron Spelling,
is one of Hollywood's richest and most powerful men having produced Fantasy Island
, Charlie’s Angels
, Starsky and Hutch
, The Love Boat
and other fine stinky cheeses for the boob tube in the 70s.
Did we mention Loni Anderson
plays Tori’s mom in the series?
No? Good enough for Burt, good enough for us.
We request our minions to turn on VH1
this Sunday, April 2 @ 10PM and check it out. Or TIVO
it for a future date.
They say so noTORIous
will do for reality television what Showgirls
did for strippers.
And we may have mentioned it before...we dig strippers.
There are two reasons we cannot watch so noTORIous
1. Because this sounds like the rottenest stupidest fucking idea for a TV show anyone could ever come up with, and
2. Because we dumped the cable a few months back and don’t watch VH1 anymore.
It’s a win/win situation for us.
Don’t forget the big premiere this Sunday, April 2 @ 10PM on VH1.
A.) The good thing about a Tori Spelling bomb is it writes itself.
B.) I wish Aaron Spelling was my dad. I'd bang prosties all day.
C.) Tori is the star of the new Mr. Ed movie remake.#Best rock haircut ever?
Rolling Stone Brian Jones is 64Rolling Stone
guitarist Brian Jones
turns 64 years old today. Happy birthday, man.
We like to believe Jones didn’t drown back n 1969.
Don’t get us wrong--Ron Wood
bomb, but sometimes it’s nice to think of what could have been.
And here they are...the World's Greatest Alphabet Letters
, and C
A.) Brian Jones triumphantly returns to the Stones after Mick Taylor quits.
B.) Brian Jones is the maitre d at Bill Wyman’s Sticky Fingers restaurant.
C.) Brian Jones plays Tori’s dad and Loni’s husband in so no
R.I.P. ALBERT EDWARD "BUCK" OWENS, JR.A Day Late and a Dollar Short
marty sherman says goodby...
It’s a sad day, this day of Buck Owen
I remember the HEE HAW
days well, the long-legged hillbilly chicks in cut-offs lounging around the porch while Buck grinned as Roy picked...or was it vice-versa?
Buck was a songwriter’s songwriter and wrote many a song which other songwriters wished they had written. Act Naturally
leaps to mind.
I met Buck backstage at The Grand Ole Opry
in the winter of 1968. He, Minnie Pearl
and I did shots of Jack
and laughed like there was no tomorrow.
His spirit will be truly missed.
Born in Sherman, TX (my family tree traces from Michigan through this tiny Texas town via the Cherokee tribe), brother Buck wrote his first hit when he was only seven years old. "I Saw Her A-Peein’" was featured in the young Buck’s second grade musical and was covered by a two-year old Pat Boone in 1936.
Buck went on to be a Country Superstar, wowing fans from Memphis to Moscow.
A.) Didn’t you just do a Buck Owens thing?
B.) Buck was the bomb, knowhatimsayin?
C.) All this fuss over a dead guy?##
March 27, 2006
lady bomb dotcom specialSnakes on a Plane Mondays
We’re so excited about the August 18 release of Snakes on a Plane
with Samuel L. Jackson
that we’re going to run SOAP specials every Monday until the film hits the screens. The buzz on this flick is tremendous--critics are saying the movie will do for snakes what Showgirls
did for strippers.
And we admit it: we dig strippers.
Because we’re too busy greasing palms and pimping chicks, we depend on the experts at Snakes on a Blog
to entertain us with the latest in SOAPy news. We urge you to visit them often.
This week’s SOAP special is a piece of dialogue from Sam Jackson. In this scene, he’s apparently sick and tired of all of the bullshit going down on the flight he’s on and let’s everyone know it.
...“That’s it--I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane......Everybody strap in, I’m about to open a fuckin’ window.”
This movie has Academy Award stamped all over it.
A.) You're not lying; it's gonna be awesome.
B.) I hate flying and I hate snakes. I'm going to pass.
C.) I still don't understand what this movie is about.#
a lap dance from scarlettHOTTEST CHICK OF ALL TIME!hotter than a pentium chip
Super smoking hot chick Scarlett Johansson
is number 1 on FHM
magazine's 100 Sexiest Women in the World
"One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy," the 21-year-old super smoking hot chick said. "I'd like to thank FHM's readers for the huge compliment."Jeanine Garofalo
is No. 2 on the list, followed by Star Jones
, Bea Arthur
, Clay Aiken
, Kathy Griffin
, Tonya Harding
, and Richard Simmons
Johansson ranked ninth in last year’s hoohah.
A.) Yes, Bea Arthur is a MILF.
B.) Tonya Harding can sharpen my skate anytime.
C.) I dated Richard Simmons; he’s very high maintenance.#
'Snakes on a Plane' Star to NarrateHot penguin-on-penguin XXX action!
You’ve seen March of the Penguins
, the Oscar winning ‘best doc’ that follows penguins on their poignant journey to breed in Antarctica. Morgan Freeman
narrated the touching tale.
Now get ready for Farce of the Penguins
, a spoof written and directed by funny bastard, Bob Saget.
The comedy’s tagline is ‘What happens in Antarctica stays in Antarctica
,’ and Thinkfilm
, the film’s production company, says the plot will follow "one penguin's search for love while on a 70-mile trek with his libidinous buddies on their way to a hedonistic mating ritual.”
If they're talking penguins in lingerie, we are so there.
And just getting onboard, our favorite…Samuel L. Jackson
as the narrator.
A.) Remember "The Penguin" in Batman? Me, too.
B.) "Penguins on a Plane.
" Looking for writers?
C.) Samuel L. Jackson is one hell of a motherfuckin' actor.#
28 frikkin’ songs!
New Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Red Hot Chili Peppers
new Warner Bros. double disc set Stadium Arcadium
is in stores May 9, 2006. Produced by Rick Rubin
, it should be the shizznit or whatever you kids say.
The first single Dani California
…out there on April 3
A.) I can’t wait.
B.) I could care less.
C.) Will feature this music at my next zombie rave.##
not a bad looking monday out there…
pick letter A, B, or C
that’s all there is to it
savvy readers may also use
secret high concept letter D
#Leo Leary LSD Guru?
take two orange barrels and call me in the morning…
As movie bigwigs drink and drug, straining their brains to come up with flicks to once more put asses in the seats of American movie theatres, Leonardo DiCaprio
may have a good one in mind.
His production company, Appian Way
, is battling Requiem for a Dream
director Darren Aronofsky
for movie rights to the story of acid eating Harvard professor Dr. Timothy Leary
Dr.Leary loved tripping like no man before him and coined the term "Turn on, tune in, drop out."
A.) Can’t read the blog. I’m tripping. The words don’t make sense.
B.) Don’t worry, that has nothing to do with the acid.
C.) Uh oh, I see a pineapple.#
spotlight on the dead:The Buck Stops Here
Fare thee well to Country music legend Buck Owens
; he’s gone to a better place at age 76.
The man had many hits including, I've Got a Tiger by the Tail
, and Love's Gonna Live Here
, but he is best remembered as the writer of Act Naturally
, a song recorded by the Beatles back in the mid-60s.
sang the tune, but it still made a few bucks for Buck.
A.) Buck was funny on Hee Haw.
B.) Buck Owens. Never heard of him.
C.) Rest in peace, Buck.# The guy’s nuts, right?Always a Little Rascal!Robert Blake
sat in a bankruptcy court on Friday crying to a judge that he can’t come up with the big dough—30 million plus—that he has to pay out for the mess he made.
Had a kid with a bim, married her, then maybe got rid of said bim with a gun. Like Baretta
After telling the judge his tale of woe, Blake tore off his raincoat to reveal a short pleated plaid skirt and white blouse and danced as he sang the Shirley Temple
classic, On the Good Ship Lollipop
As a kid, Blake starred in the Little Rascals
A.) Alfalfa had that cool shiny hair thing going.
B.) Spanky reminds me of Cartman.
C.) Stymie was my favorite.#
March 24, 2006
lady bomb dotcom weekend link tank
we’re looking forward to having cocktails
with our readers in texas
but just one
cops are walking into bars and ticketing patrons for being too wasted
there’s a leprechaun on the loose in mobile, alabama
saint patrick’s day was a week ago and hey
we like to keep a buzz going as much as the next girl
so it’s off to mobile and its lucky charms this weekend
but times were different two-and-a-half centuries ago
we would never ever name a tortoise addwaita
that is our promise to you
it was probably a cool name it is all scummy pond water under the bridge now, though
addwaita is dead after 250 years on this doomed god-forsaken planet
too much coke so much that they eventually burn a hole in their septum
some guys take
you know, the nose wall that separates the nostrils
this cat is tightening his wig...maybe
have fun this weekend...turn the machines email@example.com
marty sherman on sportsMARCH MADNESS TEMPORARY?
Clinical Study Isolating Madness Gene in Lab Rats Suggests Possible Link to Alzheimer’s
Researchers at Southern Methodist University found evidence in a study involving laboratory animals that a significant number of test mice developed symptoms of anxiety and confusion after being forced to watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament.
"These symptoms are consistent with the early stages of Alzheimer’s in human subjects," says Dr. Audrey P. Oliver
, lead researcher in the study. In addition to anxiety and confusion, many of the mice became dependent on nicotine and alcohol, with fifty percent preferring Miller Lite
and the rest opting for Bud Light
Meanwhile, half of the Elite Eight were set last night in a flurry of games which saw LSU impale top-seeded Duke 62-54 while no. 2 seed Texas corn-holed West Virginia 74-71 in the Atlanta Regional. In the Oakland bracket, the UCLA Bruins cold-cocked perennial tournament favorite Gonzaga 73-71 and Memphis anally-raped Bradley 80-64.
Upcoming match-ups to round out the Elite Eight include 11th seed and tournament Cinderella George Mason
, who’s already pounded Michigan State and rear-ended pre-tournament favorite North Carolina, versus Wichita State. Other games pit U Conn against Washington, Villanova versus Boston College and Florida against Georgetown.
The finals of what is now being referred to by some as "the Tournament that Never Ends" are set for April 1 in Indianapolis.
A.) I picked Gonzaga to win it all dag nab it.
B.) Wasn’t George Mason the guy who chopped down the cherry tree?
C.) Hand over the remote and pass me a Bud Light.
Bust Your Conk!..................with Marty Sherman
You know, Pat Sajak
happens to be a close friend of mine (that's not his real hair, by the way) and he coincidentally lives right around the corner from the Jolie-Pitts
One night we were drinking and playing strip Jenga
with Pat's wife and Vanna White
- a very tasty dish, I might add - she's vegetarian and as a long time rug muncher I can tell you that it makes a HUGE difference. We heard some noise from outside...car doors slamming, shouting, horns blowing...the whole ball of wax. Well, come to find out that Brad came home to find Angelina in bed with another chick and blew his friggin' stack.
By the time we could see what was going on, Brad was waving a gun in the air and shouting "So it's pussy you want, bitch? I'LL show you some PUSSY!"
After unloading a couple of rounds in the sky, Brad hopped on his motorcycle and sped away. Of course, the police arrived and left, and no complaints or reports were filed. Not even the Enquirer
is hip to this story.
Anyway, long story short, it seems Brad doesn't know a good thing when he sees it. Personally, both Angelina and Jennifer seem a little too tight-assed for me.
Yep, give me Vanna, a fifth of Hennessy
, some mellow smoke and a hand held video camera and I'd show that punk how to party.
March 23, 2006
BARBECUED PENIS EATING CULT FREAKS ARRESTED !!!
In what is surely one of the creepiest, weirdest stories ever reported on the internet, a cult of barbecued penis eating freaks was arrested last night in Kannaville, a small town one mile west of Planamas, Iowa.
Apparently, the sick townsfolk were scarfing down cadaver shwantz bought up in Kuppirton Falls from a perverted funeral director that collected, froze, and sold the penisicles earning upwards of $100, 000 a year.
The bastard gourmands, a group of 37 men and women, would then grill the human weiners with fresh vegetables at weekly gatherings, and wash everything down with cold beer.
A.) Disgusting. Penis for sex is bad enough, but eating them?
B.) What next. Penis hair pasta?
C.) Tastes like chicken.
Exclusive!American Idol? Not This Year
“What a drag!” says bummed out local dude
I’d like to thank everyone that voted for me on Tuesday night’s American Idol
; I came in dead last only by 24 or 25 million votes so I don’t feel too bad.
And since Ma
, Uncle Birdy
, and Janine
were there, it was like a big party.
I shouldn’t have drunk so much amaretto. My stomach is still churning.
I really should have concentrated more on the contest, and more specifically, my song selection.
In retrospect, a reggae version of We Built This City on Rock & Roll
probably wasn’t the greatest song, but Paula
said they liked it.Simon
is needlessly mean, though. I did not sound like Danny Bonaduce
with an ice pick lodged in his larynx —and the joke’s on you, Simon--I don’t know what a larynx is.
I should have trusted my gut and stuck with my original idea: A reggae version of Eve of Destruction
I could have worn the American flag shirt that Ma made me. And I'd have done that little dancing march I used to do in seventh grade. That would have had the crowd standing, cheering, and holding up signs with my name in glitter on them.
Instead, it's back home to Inkster, Michigan for me.
What a drag. This sucks, darn it.
Oh, well. At least I can say I gave it my best.
I will be recording my first CD this weekend—live at Ron Durango
’s Soft Rock Café
over there in Westland. Hope you’ll come out and rock soft with me. Thanks.
A.) Soft Rock Cafe? Great gig, dude.
B.) Paula would totally do you, dude. I could feel it.
C.) Don’t ever quit, man—dreams come true.
WHY I LOVE THAT JESSICA ALBAA Movie Review.
I know it’s a little late to be reviewing this as a new DVD release, but technically I did rent this movie when it first came to my local Video Schmideo
Unfortunately, I forgot all about it and just found it two days ago under a mountain of used napkins and an empty White Castle Crave Case
that was smack dab in the middle of the coffee table in my tv room. It was three weeks overdue and cost me $68.77, but it was worth every dime.
The PG-13 rated Into The Blue
stars Jessica Alba
in her meatiest film role to date, and her first memorable performance since the beautiful brunette babe made her name as the star of FOX television’s Dark Angel
. That series, which was co-created and produced by Titanic
director James Cameron
, ran for a couple of seasons at the turn of the century.Into The Blue
is a just swell story about some good-looking kids getting into all sorts of trouble while scuba diving, drinking and making out somewhere in the Caribbean. Sit back and enjoy the misadventure as a plane crashes into the ocean, sharks eat swimmers and mountains of treasure and cocaine are found in the briny deep. Aaarrrrr!
Jessica and her friends spend about 20% of their on-screen time developing the plot and the rest of the time they’re underwater, where the real action is. The way she does it, swimming, snorkeling and scuba diving become a true art form...a slow-motion ballet where legs, boobs, ass and crotch are the stars.
Nominated for an Emmy in her Dark Angel
days, Jessica continues to garner recognition for her acting, having been nominated for a Razzie
two years running, both for her role in today’s featured DVD and for her portrayal of the Invisible Girl
in the 2005 stinker Fantastic 4
To sum up: Into The Blue
starring Jessica Alba is a better than average B Movie with some fine underwater cinematography and enough nearly nude teenagers to keep anyone, male or female, interested between plot developments.
I wish I would have seen it on the big screen. Recommended.
A) I nominate Jessica for Best Legs, Boobs, Ass AND Crotch! Hah!
B) I don’t understand how anyone could watch such drivelrot.
C) I have a large collection of photos of Jessica that I’ve clipped out of magazines and newspapers and meticulously pasted into scrap books, noting the names and dates of each publication. I also write captions for each photo, along with a random thought of the day, using a red pen on holidays and important occasions like my birthday. A separate album is devoted to magazine covers.
In this corner…
Champion of Drug Users!
'Douchebag say what?'
Whew, this Pete Doherty
clown makes Tom Sizemore
and Sid Vicious
look like pussies when it comes to getting high.
After showing up over an hour late this morning for his court appearance for busts back in December and January, the Babyshambles
singer pleaded guilty to seven charges of possessing junk, crack, and weed.
Luckily, he had left his meth, airplane glue, and Ecstasy in his other jacket.
Anyway, the Bobbies keep busting Pete but he doesn't give a toss, he just takes more drugs and moves on.
We know how this story will play out, unfortunately—'tis a shame, really--but it gives us endless opportunities for drug jokes, one of our favorite humor genres.
Next week: Pete drinks rubbing alcohol with a lemon twist.
A.) Hanging ala Michael Hutchence is supposed to be a gasser.
B.) Sucking down a 7/Eleven Mountain Dew Super Gulp Slurpee does it for me.
C.) Doherty will be dead or high on Jesus by the 4th of July.
Good Morning!South Park Chef Dead at 63…Matt
killed off Chef
last night on the first episode of this season's South Park
The poor bastard was mauled, stabbed, and burned by a lion and bear after being brainwashed by the Super Adventure Club
. In the days prior to his death, Chef even threatened to “make sweet love” to the boys who blamed "that fruity little club for scrambling his brains."
If we didn’t know any better we’d swear they make this stuff up.Isaac Hayes
, the voice of Chef, quit an easy payday because of an episode that goofed on Scientology.
Hayes is a Scientologist.
A.) Super Adventure Club backwards is Scientology.
B.) BASEketball--now that's comedy.
C.) Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? SHAFT!
#marty sherman knows hollywoodhe even hangs out with pat sajaktoday marty makes candid observationson one of his favorite hobbies: actresses
“You know, it wasn't that long ago that J-Lo
was considered the sexiest woman alive. People
...she got props from just about everybody. And it's about time she got the dramatic vehicle that she so richly deserves to spotlight her acting chops and impeccable ass.
Did I say impeccable? On second thought her ass is entirely peccable. Lickable. Smoochable.
Get used to it and learn to speak Spanish. Caliente! Gracias, puta!”Sharon Stone
“Is it just me or is anybody else hoping to see Sharon's asshole?”Uma Thurman
“I wouldn't mind a quick peek at Uma's turdcutter, either.”Scarlett Johansson
“I guess it doesn't matter because she's so hot that the mere mention of her name has me conjuring up all sorts of filthy things to do to her. I've been in love with her ever since she was in the "Horse Whisperer" as the one-legged girl.”Charlize Theron & Scarlett Johansson
“I'd like to see Charlize and Scarlet get down. Wouldn't that be some high concept porn? Some nice and gentle mouth to mouth, slowly Scarlet drags her tongue downward, lingering at Charlize's ohsosoft tummy, paying special attention to her sexy bellybutton (tastefully pierced for the occasion), before parting her long, luscious legs and causing Charlize to moan softly with pleasure as Scarlet ticklelicks her goodies while stroking her precious breasts with her hands and tweaking her generous nipples ever so gently between thumb and forefinger...uh oh, gotta go...”
March 22, 2006
Roxy Music Update:
False Alarm: No ENO!
misplaced bald joke angers keyboardist?
Looks like Eno
isn’t going to rejoin Roxy Music
to record and tour and make millions as reported a few days back. He explains all at his website, EnoWeb
. We tried to reach Bryan Ferry
) but he was busy fixing his hair.
Cross your fingers the Roxette
reunion is still in place.
A.) I stood in line all night for nothing, fuck.
B.) Ticket sales weren’t even announced, dickhead.
A.) Hey, I’m the world’s biggest Roxy Music fan, okay?
B.) And the world’s biggest dickhead, so what?
C.) What did I tell you two about fighting in the blog?
B.) Yes, but letter A is a stupid dickhead…
A.) Why, you bastard, I’ll kick your ass!
B.) You and what army, dickhead?
C.) Alright, enough!
A.) Fucking B should get a grip.
C.) Listen to you two…arguing about Roxy Music.
A.) Well, when you put it that way…
B.) Yeah, hell—ha, sometimes I’m a dickhead, too.
C.) Me, too! Ha, ha. Come on; shake hands.
B.) Sure, why not.
C.) Good. Now let’s go to the crack house.
A.) Now you’re fucking talking.
B.) Right on, letter C.
C.) Fuck Roxy Music--it’s crack cocaine for us.
'Seances are Rubbish' says John Lennon at seance
A TV seance to celebrate the 25th anniversary of John Lennon
’s death was taped last December in England for an In Demand
showing in the U.S. on April 24.
For ten bucks you’ll be able to watch mediums contact the spirit of the late Beatle
A fortune teller gave us a choice Lennon bon mot from the upcoming show.
"Please tell Paul to take my name off of that gay Yesterday
song. I had nothin' to do with it, mate. And tell him playing the bass left-handed is gay also."
Wow, how do fortune tellers know these things?
Lennon’s widow, Yoko Ono
, is thumbs down on the production.
But if you play the flip side, producer Paul Sharratt
barks, "People say this is disgusting and I accept that criticism, but we're making a serious attempt to do something that many, many millions of people around the world think is possible."
Sure thing, pal.
The late great PT Barnum
said it best: There’s a sucker born every minute
A.) John says he misses chocolate milk shakes most.
B.) John says he jams with Jimi Hendrix nightly.
C.) John says he feels gypped that he was murdered.
#marty sherman reminisces about last week’s rock & roll hall of fame induction dinner in new york...
You are one lucky bastard to have scored tickets to that party, man.
I was supposed to go but the passes I bought on the internet said the dinner was in Cleveland
I wondered why there weren't more celebrities on the plane.
I did see Drew Carey
in first class, though. He was using his hands eating away on this big fancy first-class lobster dinner not unlike Darryl Hannah
did in Splash
, when the stewardess politely asked me to return to my aisle seat by the toilet.
Whatever you say, baby. Whatever you say.
I thought they told that dude to lose some weight. If they didn't, they should have.
Anyway, it wasn't a total loss as I made a trip to the Pier
or the Shore
or whatever they call it and took in a show at Larry Flynt's Hustler Club
. I met the cutest, youngest looking black stripper with hands so tiny they made my shlong look as big as Harry Reems'
She did me a solid in the VIP and it only cost me a buck-fifty.
Then it was on to Buffalo Wild Wings
for dinner and some boombas of icy cold Canadian Pilsner
from right across the lake. It's funny, but as I was leaving I saw Drew Carey sitting with a table full of beautiful babes and another fat guy who was apparently competing with Drew in a wing eating contest.
The chicks were cheering as the chicken was disappearing...hey, that rhymes.
...I think they call that part of town the Flats
Hospital gig for Tyler:
Aerosmith Chirp Goes Under Knife!
‘…undisclosed medical condition’
Publicist Marcee Rondan
tells the AP that Aerosmith
singer Steven Tyler
goes under the knife later this week for an undisclosed medical condition but don’t worry--he’s doing fine, thanks.
The band had to cancel some dates but health is wealth, of course.
A.) You’re right—health is wealth.
B.) You’re right—Steven Tyler is the singer of Aerosmith.
C.) You’re right—they haven’t disclosed his medical condition.
Marty Sherman on Lady Di:
Lady Sings The Jazz
... MOLDY MOTOWN FIG SEES LIGHT OF DAY
Detroit-born crooner and lead singer of the Supremes
, Diana Ross
has a new album slated for summer release.
The material for Blue
was recorded at the time the Motown legend starred as Billie Holiday
in the 1972 movie Lady Sings The Blues
and was originally meant to be released as a followup to the movie’s soundtrack LP. But on the heels of her Oscar loss for Best Actress in a Musical
to Liza Minnelli
, Ms. Ross, the Beyonce of her day, recorded the hit album and chart-topping single Touch Me In The Morning
never looked back.
The tapes from the session, which include Diana’s versions of jazz standards from Let’s Do It
to I Loves You Porgy
, were recently unearthed during a "vigorous spring cleaning" at the Motown offices, according to one insider.
Reportedly, the 62-year-old Ross had "no recollection" of ever having recorded it.
A.) It’s high time jazz made the spotlight again. Pass me the jittersauce, baby.
B.) Destined for Urban Contemporary/Smooth Jazz stations everywhere.
C.) I didn’t know Diana Ross was still alive. You live, girl!
March 21, 2006
."Oh well, whatever, nevermind..."
He's Plastic! He's Fantastic!
Kurt Cobain is yours forever!!
Still looks cool as fuck even though he’s dead and only back on earth as an action figure small enough to fit under your pillow.
Drugs and shotgun not included.
We don’t know the cost but he's on shelves in late June.
Here’s the place to get the dope you need.
A.) Kurt was the last real deal.
B.) Suicide. What a dumb ass.
C.) Courtney Love should star on The Apprentice.
Bust Your Conk!
.............with Marty Sherman
It's funny you would mention the Star Wars TV show.
I'm on my way to meet my buddy, Pat Sajak for lunch at Twingo's West in Venice Beach. We're pitching a new game show idea next week to all the majors...NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, BET...It's an all-Sci-Fi trivia game called Bet Your Bottom Quatloo.
It pits nerd vs. nerd in a fast-paced competition that not only requires in-depth knowledge of all aspects of the Sci-Fi genre (from comic books to fantasy role playing games to movies and tv), but amazing eye - hand coordination as well. I can't give away too much, but rest assured you'll laugh your ass off.
A.) Just what the world needs...another freaking game show.
B.) Call me a nerd, but it sounds like fun. Live long and prosper.
C.) I don't get it. What's a Quatloo?
CNN anchors cry like frightened children
“Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!”
Stay tuned for more blazing action right here, right now:
Fire briefly broke out at CNN
headquarters in Atlanta this afternoon; no one, thank god, was hurt.
The fire apparently started shortly after lunch as veteran on-air talent convened in an unused office to smoke crack cocaine, a daily ritual. Unbeknownst to them, a new meteorologist—scoring drugs for the first time--mistakenly copped heroin instead.
As the group began to puff the junk, one by one they nodded out, until the meteorologist dropped the sizzling hot pipe atop a USA Today
. Three inch high flames reached heavenward before being snuffed out by the size 12 foot of sports reporter, Sal Penningten.
An intern ran to the lobby to replace the newspaper.
A.) Close call. See how heroin can kill you?
B.) Injecting crack into the arm is safer.
C.) Remember: Only you can prevent crack pipe fires.
Writes the songs that make the whole world sing...
Manilow: American Idol Tonight!
Tonight and tomorrow (March 21 & 22) Barry Manilow
will show those crazy young kids what a real American Idol
is like. In this just announced surprise appearance, the singer will sing his latest single, Love is a Many Splendored Thing
from his Greatest Songs of the Fifties
album which just went platinum.
Now that's entertainment.
A.) Fred Durst can learn something from this fine entertainer.
B.) Paula Abdul will be higher than a kite.
C.) I wonder if Simon and Barry will kiss.
Paris + Nicky = Idiot's DelightInterscope
big cheese Ted Fields
is in talks to make a TV cartoon show about the wonderful, tra-la-la lives of Nicky
and Paris Hilton
Yes, it’s called The Cuntstones
No, we really don’t know what it’s going to be called. That would be a handsome moniker, though.
A.) I am so sick of those Hilton girls.
B.) I’d do Paris in a Baghdad minute. Wait, I don’t know what that means.
C.) It’s probably like banging a well-oiled baseball glove.
Bust Your Conk!..with Marty Sherman
FLAP OVER THE FLAP?
I tried them all...slingshots, boxers, briefs, even a short stint at going commando before deciding on the new hybrid boxer/brief as my underwear of choice. It has just the right amount of support while maintaining ample ball room, adds a layer of warmth when I’m visiting colder climes and cups my junk in such a way that it looks nice and big.
Unfortunately, a recent embarrassing predicament involving a misjudgment on my part as to whether I had to fart or crap left me in need of replacement undies ASAP. I double-timed it to the closest shopping mall and picked up a package of CHAPS
by designer Ralph Lauren
. Nice striped pattern and two pair for only ten bucks. It’s more than I usually spend, but what the hey, this was a special occasion.
It’s not every day that I shit myself, so I splurged.
The sales clerk ran my card and I quickly ran into the nearest men’s room to transform myself. What a difference! A beautiful fit, snug to the thigh and 100% cotton comfort. I felt like a new man, so I decided to treat myself to a little late afternoon bar food and some drinks at my favorite lap dance palace, The Lap Dance Palace
After a greasy cheeseburger (I recommend the barbecue burger...two hefty ground beef patties cooked to order then topped with your choice of cheese, barbecue sauce, southern-style coleslaw, pickles and a perfectly deep-fried onion ring. I also recommend substituting the rings for the usual side of fries. You won’t be sorry...until much later, when you’re 55 years old and have that first bypass operation. But that’s way down the road, so live a little.) and six or seven Coronas
with lime, I decided it was high time to crack the seal.
I headed for the john to relieve myself so I could enjoy the first of what I hoped would be many tableside dances with the lovely Cocoa
, girl of my dreams.
The fact that I was wearing my new undies had completely slipped my mind until I confronted the urinal, unzipped and began fishing around for li’l marty. When I was unable to free him from the underwear, my first thought was that I had put them on backwards (it wouldn’t have been the first time) but, no. Everything was on right.
There just wasn’t any flap on the front of these fancy new designer shorts. No flap at all! I proceeded to unbuckle and take them down because by now the pressure was becoming critical. It went okay once I realized what I had to do, and I managed to piss with only minimal dribbles on my slacks.
But I ask you: Doesn’t it take away the advantage of having external sex organs if you have to drop your pants to use a urinal? Really, now.
No more CHAPS for me. No sir. In fact, I decided on the spot that going commando in a strip club would definitely have it’s advantages and tossed my gently-used flapless CHAPS in the trash. I was finally ready for Miss Cocoa.
A.) Commando is the only way to go.
B.) I’ve been to The Lap Dance Palace. It rocks!
C. )It reminds me of the joke about what the well-endowed gentleman said when asked if he wore boxers or briefs: "Briefs are like the ballroom in the Sistine Chapel", he replied. "But sir, there IS no ballroom in the Sistine Chapel." "Precisely," he said with a wink.
They’re having sex with groupies!
Rock Star Sex Video News
The Kid Rock
sex video will not be released until further notice.
Postproduction computer ‘enhancements’ of Stapp’s wiener have been halted as his stand-in cock, Ron Jeremy
, is home in bed with the flu.
A.) Flu? Yeah--a floo
B.) Ron Jeremy references? Dude, drink more coffee.
C.) Hi, it's Ron Jeremy. I really do have the flu, sorry.
#Too Many Comebacks Killing Us:Roxette Guilty of Bloody Murder!
Swedish pop twosome Roxette
will be back in studio cutting new songs according to singer/guitarist Per Gessle
The band, famous for the hit (Musty, insert the stupid band’s one hit here. Do it now before you forget), the band went on extended hiatus after singer Marie Fredriksson
was diagnosed with a tumour on her brain in 2002.
Thank L Ron she’s okay now and Roxette is ready to pop, rap, rock or do whatever the hell they do.
Roxette is the most successful Swedish band since Abba
A.) Whew, Sweden certainly is a hotbed of talent.
B.) Yes. and you are a dancing queen.
C.) Roxette should write a song for Snakes on a Plane.
Great Actor, Boring News:
Pacino in L.A. Play, Blah, Blah, BlahBad way to start the morning…
stars as the dude who would become King Herod
in the Los Angeles stage production of Oscar Wilde
starting April 14. King Herod is a sleazeball who wants to bang his wife’s daughter, Salome
A.) I love Salome…on rye with mustard. Looking for writers?
B.) Pacino is 65 years old, can you believe it?
C.) Slow news day, hoo hah!
March 20, 2006
Cool to the Thrill of it All!
Both Brians Do the Strandsky...
are in the studio making their first album together since 1982’s Avalon
, and this time it’s the original band with Bryan Ferry
, Andy MacKay
, Phil Manzanera
, Paul Thompson
and Brian Eno
—that’s right, Eno.
The last time Eno worked with the group was in 1973.
No release date yet on the Rhett Davies
production but our guess, good as any, is fall of this year. To promote what should turn out to be a killer disc, Roxy Music will tour the world and rake in millions of well-deserved bucks.
A.) Thank god for this reunion.
B.) Though I'm an athiest, I agree with letter A.
C.) Eno backwards is 'one.' Makes you think.
#Hail Hail Rock ‘n’ Roll!!!!!Horrible Limp Bizkit Splits!Maybe there is a god…
Misplaced the guy’s name—Wes Berman
, something like that—but the guitarist of Limp Bizkit
says the band has broken up. This is great news for music lovers, bad news for suckers that listen to dreck.
The one time we tried to listen to Bizkit, it was one of the most awful goddamn experiences we've ever had.
Worse than the time we accidentally sat in the front row of a Bachelor Bob
Oh, man--my goose bumps got goose bumps.
Anyway, good riddance to Limp Bizkit—the kids of America deserve much better than these noise-making chumps.
A.) Bite me, pal. Fred Durst rules.
B.) Yes, he rules my balls.
A.) Hey, fuck you, pal. I'll kick your ass.
C.) Okay, okay, no fighting in the blog...shake hands, both of you.
A.) Alright. No use fighting over Limp Bizkit, I guess.
B.) Of course, you're right. Let's get a beer.
C.) That's more like it. Then let's smoke crack.
#SONGWRITERS: LISTEN UP!
Lennon, Bono, Durst, You!
New scary movie with Samuel L. Jackson
, Snakes on a Plane
, slithers onto silver screens this August, and New Line Cinema
and Tag World
are partnering for a contest. Write a song appropriate to the film and it may get picked up for the flick
We haven’t read the fine print yet, but money, shmoney--we don’t care—we’ve already written the winning song. We're going to be famous.
The set up: You know in There’s Something About Mary
when Jonathan Richman
is singing? Well, we picture the same shtick except with Lou Reed
Like if Lou plays himself and is also on the plane.Musty
, sit down at the piano, let's play the prize-winning song.Theme from Snakes on a Plane(Lyzako-Musty Scribblins-Tokugawa Marinski)
My flight took off, and I was glad,
I don’t like flying but so far it wasn’t bad
I looked at my wife as she sat to my right
There was a boa around her neck wrapped tight
Snakes on a plane, snakes on a plane,
My wife is choking and she’s going insane
Her new white blazer is all blood stained
Must be snakes on a plane
The guy behind me started to scream
It was snake-related if you ask me
I looked at the guy, he was turning blue
Instead of one boa he was fighting two
Snakes on a plane, snakes on a plane,
The dude is choking and he’s going insane
His white dress shirt is all blood stained
Must be snakes on a plane
The pilot came on the radio
Said ‘stay calm’ then screamed ‘oh, no!’
Sounded like the guy was in a lot of pain
Must be snakes on a plane
Snakes on a plane, snakes on a plane
Everybody’s screaming and going insane,
Our flight’s gonna crash, we know who to blame
The goddamn snakes on a plane.
(repeat all three choruses)
A.) Catchy with hooks galore, bravo!
B.) Hollywood just called—you lost, loser.
C.) What is Snakes on a Plane about?