Ball of Confusion 2006! Okay, everybody, the visitors are gone. Whew, that was some high maintenance shit, wasn’t it? Go here, don’t look there, sniff this, don’t park here; touch this, $10,000 a throw? Bite me, pal. But hey, that’s what modern day Super Bowls are made of, right? We dug right in. Ouch, my nose hurts.
This week, exhausted, we keep our sentences short. Special thanks to Steve Martin and Norm MacDonald for last week. Good--no, excellent--fucking times. You fuckers are too fucking funny. Denise, Candace, and Rhonda from Lady Bomb are still laughing. Let’s do this Bowl thing here in the motor city every year. Now pick A, B, or C. Savvy readers will also remember secret high-concept letter D.
Our Kind of Girl! After a quick visit to Great Britain to talk to cops about her coke snorting photo shoot, supermodel Kate Moss got on a plane and flew straight to Miami Beach, Florida—a heaven on earth with its sunny beaches blanketed with sands of fluffy, flaky, sparkling white nosegay.
A.) Ze cocaine poetry is so outré. B.) Sacre bleu! Letter A is correct. C.) Wait a minute—A & B are hipster out-of-towners from France, get them!
One, Two, Three—Green Light! Steve Martin and I sold our first script together, “Giddyup Vagina,” (formerly “Showdown at the Crack of Dawn”) to Miramax subsidiary, Edge Hell. Steve doesn’t want the amount disclosed, but we got a fuck load of dough. Norm Macdonald will play Marshal “Rope” Chambers with Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss as red hot, naked, tenderly probing, first time lesbian lovers, Jenny and Dawn. Troy “Boondock Saints” Duffy will direct.
A.) What a coincidence—I’m drinking Busch beer. B.) I smell a hit. Oops, no--I stepped in dogshit, fuck. C.) Norm MacDonald is the David Niven of his generation.
The Truth, Man—Like It or Not! On a stretch of road in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, cops pulled over Nashville cat David Kennedy for crappy driving. You know, weaving between lanes and et cetera. The fuzz found a stack of porno magazines on the seat next to him. Was Kennedy too “busy” to drive? We don’t know. We don’t want to know. The right-handed loverboy was charged with felony reckless endangerment.
A.) Freak! Look at porno like the rest of us, whilst taking a dump. B) Sorry, I don’t look at porn anymore. C.) I bought a replica Jimmy Kimmel Live in Detroit ticket on eBay for only $87
Born Too Loose! Musty, Tokugawa, and I are so fucking surprised. Actor Tom Sizemore has failed another drug test and has been thrown out of a drug treatment program because he’s a pathetic hothead.
A.) Sizemore has been nominated for Most Drug Addicted Actor. B.) Sizemore should take a hard look in the mirror. C.) Presley, Vicious…Sizemore.
New Trend for Manly Men! We’re smack dab in the middle of New York Fashion Week, and it looks like skirts for men are back in again for this fall.
A.) Thank god. I am so sick of pants. B.) I wear my skirts short—no panties--so my junk hangs out. C.) I’ll continue to wear pants, thank you.
Close Shave, Motherfucker! Right before closing the Detroit-Windsor tunnel last week for the third annual International Funnel, Canadian guards busted a guy trying to bring 300 pounds of weed across the border. Dude whipped out a copy of the Snoop Dogg contract for his Bud Bowl gig at Tiger Stadium. Rider item number four: “300 pounds of weed—the good shit.” Officials pinched off a chunk, tried it—it was good shit-- and let the guy go.
A.) “Yeah--that pizzle was the flabizzle, my schnizzle.” I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying; I just want to sound hep. B.) Can’t read the column right now—I’m busy blowing strange guys in alleys to save up for a replica Kimmel ticket. C.) Norm Macdonald remembers when pot was something you boiled hot dogs in.